My mom’s eyebrows shot up as she guided me toward the kitchen. It was still pretty early, so she asked if I wanted breakfast. A pang of nostalgia hit me. It was almost like the old days before we were so intimately acquainted with each other’s flaws.
“Not that this isn’t a lovely surprise, but can I ask why you showed up out of the blue? You’ve been actively avoiding me for years, and yet, here you are.”
There was no censure in my mother’s voice, just gentle curiosity. She wasn’t one who passed the blame or shied away from the consequences of her actions. Of course, she’d been disappointed when I pushed her away and demanded space while I figured out my complicated emotions, but she never complained that I was overreacting or not entitled to my anger and resentment. She obviously wanted to bury the hatchet; she waited patiently until I was ready to dig the first hole.
I took a seat at the big marble island that took up most of the modern kitchen. I tapped my fingers on the cool surface and watched as she maneuvered her way through making breakfast the same way she had every morning before school.
“I spent some time today with a little girl who just lost her mom. She’s too little to know the difference right now, but eventually, she’ll figure it out. If she’s lucky, like her daddy was, a new mom will find her way into her life. It made me think about how much easier life is with you in it, Mom. Even when I was so sure I didn’t want you around anymore, I really missed you.”
My mom made a small humming sound but didn’t turn around from the stove. “You’ve always known where to find me, Remy. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how mad you are at me. I deserved every minute of agony you’ve put me through all these years. But I’ve gotta be honest with you, I’d do it all over again if it meant keeping you safe. The only thing I would change is being upfront with you about things first and not having you find out through your father that I interfered in your life the way I did.” She finally looked over her shoulder in my direction, and I could see genuine regret on her face. “I never should have treated you like you were too fragile to have a say in what was happening. You were already struggling with feeling like you couldn’t control what was happening to you, and I just made things worse.”
I braced my hand on my chin and continued to watch her with newfound insight. “No. I was in no place to make good choices back then. The only thing that felt real to me at the time was the love I had for Hyde. It was the one thing that never changed, never faded or dimmed. All my other feelings and emotions were always so up and down, and so unreliable, and the way I felt about myself,” I shook my head. “It was highly questionable in those days.” I either thought I was the shit and untouchable, or I worried I was just too much for anyone to handle and would never find real friends or anyone to understand me. It was brutal, and it only got worse the further away Hyde seemed to get as we grew older. “You undoubtedly saved my life, Mom. You did what you had to do.”
She made that thoughtful sound again, and even though she wasn’t facing me, I knew she was probably crying by the slight shake of her shoulders and the way she kept her head bent down.
“The friend you stayed with is Hyde, and the little girl without a mom is Hollyn, I assume? After your drive-by appearance at his welcome-home party, I didn’t think you would seek him out so soon. You’ve avoided him almost as well as you’ve avoided me.”
I snorted and thanked her as she finally turned to face me with a plate full of food. She made one for herself and took a seat next to me at the edge of the island.
I blew on a hot forkful of scrambled eggs and told her, “I had a little too much to drink last night. I thought I was calling Zowen to tell him I was getting into a rideshare, but I accidentally called Hyde. He had the driver bring me to him and then insisted I stay over so he could take me to my car in the morning. He couldn’t wake the baby up that late, so I agreed to stay.”
Out of all of that, what she focused on was, “You were out drinking? Is that a good idea with your medication?” She phrased it as a question, but really it was a subtle reminder that it was indeed not a great idea to drink while on my medication.
I took another big bite from my plate, lifted my shoulders, and let them fall in a shrug. “It was a terrible idea, but I’m allowed to have those every now and then. Just like everyone else.”
My mom nodded in agreement. “Yes, you are. But you still have to be aware of the consequences of bad ideas. You aren’t immune from the fallout just because your mind works differently than most.”
It was my turn to nod. “I know, Mom. I’m probably twice as aware of the consequences as anyone else. Sometimes the risk is worth it.” Other times it really wasn’t. But that was true for everybody, not just someone who wasn’t neurotypical.
Tactfully changing the subject, my mother asked, “Isn’t the baby beautiful? It’s been a while since we had one of those to dote on. I’m so glad Hyde was able to come home with her.”
“He’s really good with her. She looks so small when he holds her, but I swear she just lights up when he talks to her. I think he’s a good dad.” I laughed a little and pushed my empty plate away from me. “It’s kind of weird to think of him being someone’s parent, but it’s a role that suits him.”
“Oh, I don’t think it’s weird. Hyde was always good at taking care of you and the younger kids. Even when he was a little boy, he was wise beyond his years. I always knew he was going to grow up to be a good man.”
I turned to look at her and asked with heavy sarcasm, “But not good enough for me, right?”
Okay, so maybe some of my resentment remained. I didn’t mean to be a petty bitch, but sometimes a girl just had to hold a bit of a grudge.
My mom also pushed her plate away and turned to face me with a very serious expression on her pixie-like face. “The truth is, I had no idea if what I was doing back then was good for you or not. I didn’t know if Hyde was helping or hurting the situation, so I went scorched Earth and removed anything that might possibly land you back in a hospital bed—or worse. My actions that day were always about you. It had nothing to do with him. Have I ever told you that your grandpa did the same thing for me? I was a little older than you, but I was fixated on a guy who was definitely not helping me in any way, shape, or form. Your grandpa got me out of a bad situation because it was all he could think to do. It wasn’t about the boy at all; it was always about me. Luckily, I got it right with your dad when I was ready for someone else, but I knew if I got it wrong, your grandpa would always be there to make it right. I want you to feel the same way about your dad and me. Good or bad, we got your back, Remy. Whomever you choose, I believe they will be the person good enough for you. You’ve kept everyone away for a long time. When you’re ready to let someone in, there will be no denying they are special. Your dad and I will support you fully, and I promise you I won’t get in the way ever again.”
I grumbled a little because she was being both honest and sweet. It made me miss all the time I hid from her and her concern. I made my way to the sink to wash the dishes and clean up since she cooked.
“Don’t worry too much. It’s not like I’m looking for anyone. I didn’t come home to date. I came home to work on this.” I waved a soapy hand between the two of us. “This is the only relationship I plan to focus on for the time being.”