I wanted to reach out and put a hand over his. His fingers were curled into a fist on top of the table. They were clenched so hard, I could see the veins on the back of his hands bulging. He really was doing his best to hold himself together.
“Can I ask about the other side of Hollyn’s family? I know you mentioned things were complicated before her mom passed away, so I don’t want to add any extra stress by bringing it up if you don’t want to talk about it.” It took him a minute to nod, but even with that, I could sense his reluctance to broach the subject, but he was willing to indulge me, like he always had in the past. “I’m just wondering how they felt about you bringing Hollyn back to Colorado. She’s a piece of the daughter they lost suddenly. It had to be hard for them to see her leave. Are they planning on coming to see her at all?”
Hyde shifted in his seat and lifted his eyes back to mine. I was taken aback by the anger I saw in them. Hyde wasn’t exactly an easygoing kind of guy, but he also wasn’t someone who lost his cool without a very good reason, and right now, there was pure rage in his evergreen gaze.
“My ex, Ava, told her parents that Hollyn might not be mine. She’d been seeing someone else during my last deployment and kept it up when I got home. She didn’t like that I was ready to move on from the Army. She wanted to be a military spouse no matter what, just like her mother. When the accident happened, I was more worried about the baby, because she had survived. I knew there was nothing I could do about Ava. I guess in my mind, Holly was already mine and Ava stopped being someone I considered my own the minute she told me she was cheating on me. To them, I didn’t grieve properly or show enough remorse over Ava’s passing. I think they even blame me for the accident. Ava was on her way to see me when she was run off the road. I’d told her that day that I was fine breaking up, but I wanted a DNA test to prove who the baby’s father was. I didn’t mind losing her to my former friend, but I wasn’t going to give the baby up without a fight. Not after everything I went through when I was younger. Ava was upset and wanted me to drop it. She didn’t care if the baby might be mine, she wanted the other guy to raise her. She’d moved on and wanted me to do the same. It was so easy for her to get over me; I guess she assumed I could do the same thing when it came to my child. I think she was anxious about the other guy walking away if the baby was mine. That would throw a wrench into the perfect family unit she built up in her mind.” Hyde sighed and shook his head. “The other guy was way more into her than I was. He was also stationed under her father’s command, so he knew her family better than I ever did. He took her death really hard. He barely came by to see the baby, even when there was a possibility she was his. Ava’s family was the same. They were weirdly resentful that her baby survived and Ava didn’t. They didn’t come to see her at all when she was in the NICU and didn’t make any kind of move toward custody arrangements or visitation. They didn’t say anything when we left Georgia for Colorado.”
I blinked and couldn’t stop anger from bubbling in my blood. “That’s terrible. How could anyone do that to a baby?” And how could his friend and girlfriend betray him that way? No wonder his grief was complicated and not overly obvious. He’d been through a lot before he came back home. He really was the prodigal son who faced trials and tribulations before making his way back. It was really hard for me to imagine anyone cheating on him. To me, no one ever compared to Hyde. There was no one better than him. I couldn’t figure out what his previous girlfriend was thinking.
“I figure if they have a change of heart, or if Hollyn wants to get to know them when she’s older, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, they don’t want her, and I do.” He didn’t have to tell me he knew how that felt as a child because I was well aware of the impact his time in the child welfare system had on him. Then, he suddenly turned the tables on me. “What about you? I hope you had better luck with your love life than I’ve had with mine.”
I picked up my drink to keep my nervous hands busy. “No. I’m not exactly lucky in any department.” Dating was easy enough. I’d always had a knack for drawing people to me and making anyone and everyone feel at ease, but my over-the-top personality and my unpredictable moods usually proved to be difficult to adjust to for anyone who tried to get serious about me. I was sick to death of love interests thinking they could change me or that I would suddenly morph into a mellow, docile woman after we’d been together for a bit. I started to feel like no one wanted to put in the effort to love me just the way I was, so I stopped trying. I was more of a fun-fling-while-it-lasted kind of girl anyway.
“I moved around a lot after I had a falling out with my mom. I was really angry at her for a long time, and wanted to be anywhere but home. I was never in any place long enough to get serious about anyone, or invest my time into them. Also, being upfront and honest about my mental health and my history is often a turn-off.”
Hyde sat back in his chair, and a harsh expression crossed his handsome features. “You lost a lot of time with your family because of me. I’m sorry. That was the last thing I wanted to happen.” His words were full of regret, and I could physically see the way remorse weighed his broad shoulders down as he slumped slightly in his seat.
“I had to get out and see the world the same way you did. Had to find who I was supposed to be.” I put my drink down and lifted my chilled fingers to twirl a curl round and round. “I’ve been everywhere…but still ended up back here. Which means this is where I’m meant to be.” I arched an eyebrow at him and muttered, “I wasn’t ready for you to suddenly decide it’s where you were supposed to be as well. The timing is a bit suspect.” It was almost as if fate were playing games with my heart.
“I’m glad the timing was right and brought us back together.” Hyde leaned forward in his seat and put his arms on the table. I felt crowded even though he wasn’t actually in my space. I leaned back reflexively and twisted the curl around my finger even harder. “I missed you, Remy.”
I pushed the chair away from the table so hastily that it screeched across the floor. It made a sound loud enough that several heads turned to look in our direction. I held up a shaking hand in front of me, almost as if I could ward his last words away.
How long had I waited to hear Hyde Fuller say exactly that sentence?
How many nights had I stayed awake, mind racing, wondering if he thought about me at all the way I still thought of him?
How many days did I fight to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault he ran away all those years ago?
He wasn’t allowed to miss me, and I wasn’t allowed to let those words worm their way into my heart.
“We are not back to the way we used to be, Hyde. I have no interest in playing the role of your surrogate little sister or your reliable best friend. I let you put me in those boxes back in the day because all I wanted was the chance to be close to you. I don’t let anyone else define me anymore.” I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. I put a hand over the spot on my chest where I was sure my heart was trying to jump out. “You miss who you wanted me to be. Not who I am or even who I was. I think you need to find someone else to hold your hand when parenting gets hard. I already told you I’m not the right person for the job.” His vulnerability had always been my weakness, and I knew if he told me he needed me, I was toast. It was the one thing in life I always wanted more than anything: for him to rely on me the way I’d always had complete faith in him.