Now, though?
Now they have me feeling things a dead man like me shouldn’t feel.
Keep the shadows from the brightness.
The thought slams into me as if each word was a physical punch.
Can I do that? Can I keep living in the shadows I’ve been in for two damn decades and keep them away from that light this woman casts?
“Drew! Look!”
Riley’s excited gasp pulls me back to the present. She’s pointing, everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Her eyes shine bright with excitement and wonder. The inside of the large tent set up almost identically to the movie they had me watch about circuses, the whole reason I brought them here. Her eyes had brightened when watching that movie. Her happiness got a little bigger with each song until it was a living beast.
I was high on the feeling of giving her this moment. The magic she’s feeling rolls off her tiny body in waves.
Riley starts moving quicker, her legs are pumping so fast, she’s pulling me with a strength a kid this little shouldn’t have with her steady hold on my hand. I hear Olivia giggle behind us, the sound going right to my heart like a jolt of electricity.
Is she the reason I’m having all these thoughts?
Stupid fucking question.
Of course she is.
“Are you okay?” she asks after speed walking to stand next to us.
I grunt a sound I hope sounds like an affirmative, but I’m too busy watching this little girl lead me into a tent and the spell settle over us. Her excitement in seeing a made-up story come to life. Me … well, mine with something real close to hope settling deep in my chest and taking root.
Hope that I never have to stop giving this little girl her dreams in real life …
“Are you sure?”
I look down at her, letting Riley continue to pull me.
Damn, those eyes.
My heart jolts again.
Breathing life back into me.
Each pump of the organ that had been dead bringing me back to life.
Well, shit.
“Yeah, doll. I don’t think I’ve ever been better.”
And just like that, under the peaked top of a circus tent, I really believe that I can have this magic.
“Hold My Hand” by Lady Gaga
“Who is that boy to you?”
“He’s hardly a boy, Mr. W.” I laugh, following his gaze to where Drew and Riley have their heads close together over the top of the table they’ve been sitting at for the past hour.
“You get my age and tell me that,” he grumbles. “She seems smitten with him.”
“She sure is,” I agree, smiling when I see Riley knock over another chess piece before pumping her little fists in the air in victory. This is the third game in a row that she’s won. Each time she made a move, a little frown line joined Drew’s handsome face.
“She’s also a shark.”
“And who, pray tell, taught my little angel how to hustle in chess?” I laugh.
Mr. W has the decency to look sheepish.
“I thought we talked about teaching her to hustle anyway,” I jest.
“I just taught her a few key plays.” He holds up his hands, his bottle of Jameson winking at me from its spot next to his hip.
“What about when you taught her how to play poker? I vividly remember how you started showing her the right way to count cards without getting caught before you started, too.”
His weathered face gets a familiar expression of mischief that never fails to spotlight how much life he still has in him. There’s a little rascal inside of that old man, gained from a long life full of experiences and knowledge.
“Now you don’t say,” he grunts, taking a healthy pull of his drink.
“Don’t you play coy with me, mister. She played for everyone that would entertain a five-year-old bringing the hustle, and at the end of the day, she had a pocket full of the coins she had won off the people she challenged.”
He tosses his head back and lets out a deep belly laugh that shakes his whole body and has those around us looking over with smiles. His deep voice booms around us when he looks over at Riley just in time to see her take a dollar from Drew.
“That’s my girl! Show no mercy,” he bellows toward her.
She jerks her head up, her curls dancing around and over her face obstructing her view. She pushes them away with one hand, looking around until she meets his gaze and gives him a smile that has so much pride and joy in it. Of course, that’s when she lifts her hand that had been under the table and shows off a bunch of bills clenched in her tiny fist.
“See,” I grumble. “You’ve created a monster shark, mister.”
He laughs even harder at that. I just shake my head.
“He’s good with her,” he remarks a few beats later, still watching the duo as they set up another game. Riley, my little shark, slaps her hand down next to the board, all of her cash (and it looks like a lot) in a messy pile, and points her finger at the money before moving it to point at Drew. I don’t hear what she says, but her expression tells me she’s being adorably sassy. Not unaffected by her cuteness, Drew looks over at me and gives me a small wink before pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and slapping a twenty down.
I look away with a snort and glance back at Mr. W. Mr. W who is now studying me with an intensity that I’ve not seen from him before. A seriousness takes over him. He peeks a quick beat over to where they’re sitting before that concentration is right back on me again.
“I should have seen it before now. You’re his person,” he mumbles, voice low and eyes clear. “Might not realize it yet, but that man right there was meant to find you and that little princess.” He leans forward, pushing his cup out of the way, and grabs my hand. “Lived a lot of years, sweet girl. Seen a lot, some more than I care to remember, but I mostly was blessed in this life. I had a damn good woman until the Lord took her home. I lived a happy life full of love that no other woman could ever replace the spot she held. She, my Rachel, found me when I was fresh out of the Army and had stopped seeing any good in the world.” He steals another peek toward my girl and Drew. “When I look in that man’s eyes …” He leans forward even more. “When I see the same shadows dancing in there that had held me captive before her, I worry.”
My heart pounds as I consider his words. Is Drew my person? He certainly feels like he is. Just the thought of being without him physically hurts. I look forward to our walks to Olde Mug in the mornings just as much as I do our nights spent getting to know each other, both physically and on an emotional level. Though, it’s the mention of shadows that I had seen myself that gives me pause. Realizing he may very well be my person and knowing there’s something that could shake that foundation is scary.
“He’s going to hurt you,” Mr. W continues, voice low and his eyes now glancing off into the distance, not seeing anything while at the same time seemingly seeing everything.
“He’s not going to hurt me, honey,” I respond, not sure if I believe my own words now that I’m saying them out loud. What I know, though, is that I feel what we have is worth fighting for, no matter what may come about. Life is never perfect.
“He’s going to, but you’ll sort him. That, my dear, I have no doubt in.”