I shouldn’t have been so stupid and selfish last night. What was I thinking? Instead of getting mad at Madison, I should’ve been concerned when I couldn’t find her. I could’ve helped her with Clara. Instead, I went to a sex club with the guys. No wonder Madison is pissed at me.
Now I know why she’s been so weird lately. She blames me for ruining her friendship with Clara and for bringing down her grades at school. But how could I know any of that when she would barely talk to me?
Everyone leaves me. My parents, countless foster families, Jasmine… And now Madison.
I should call her or go to her apartment and try to explain.
But I can’t do it.
I knew better than to pursue a relationship with her. She told me to stay away and I didn’t listen. Axel even warned me. I should’ve known this wouldn’t end well.
Now I’ve lost her, just like I lose everyone.
24
Madison
“Not a day, no, not a minute goes by that I don’t feel sorry for what I’ve done.”
I’m in court now with my boss from the pro bono office, who is passing me a tissue as we listen to the defendant’s speech. So far, mine are the only dry eyes left in court.
It’s the case where the defendant, the bald, paunchy man in front of me at the stand, drove drunk and ran into a little girl on her bicycle, killing her instantly.
The little girl’s family is present today too. That’s who my boss and I are here representing. They sit just behind us, and I can hear them openly weeping at the defendant’s speech.
So far, I remain unmoved. This case is much too similar to what happened with my dad for me to feel any sort of warmth toward the man on the stand.
The defendant even kind of looks like the guy who hit my dad. I’ll never forget his face. Because of my age, I was never allowed at the court proceedings against him, of course. But he came to the hospital where I was treated right after the accident, even though I only had a few minor injuries.
In my memories, I see his eyes hovering over me at the hospital, looking concerned. “Will the little girl be okay, Doctor? What’s her name?” I don’t remember the doctor’s garbled response. Then I hear the man responsible for killing my father say, “Madison. What a beautiful name. I’m so, so sorry Madison.”
Not sorry enough.
“Sorry isn’t a strong enough word for what I’ve done,” continues the man on the stand. I clear my head, trying desperately to focus on the present. “There are no words that can make up for the immeasurable pain I have caused this family. Because of my selfish, foolish actions, I cost the world an innocent life.”
At this point, the man starts tearing up himself. I roll my eyes. He’s just trying to get a lighter sentence, I’m sure. He should be punished more severely for playing on the girl’s family’s emotions this way, in my opinion.
“And so, I have changed my plea to guilty,” the man continues through tears.
That snatches my attention.
“Because, although it was a mistake, I am still responsible for the loss of a little girl’s life. And for that, I deserve to be punished.” The man is bawling now and appears to be in immense emotional pain. “I can’t change what happened. I can only give everything I can to try to repent for what I’ve done.”
Now he turns directly to the family. Since they are sitting immediately behind me, it feels like he’s talking to me.
“I apologize from the depths of my heart, knowing that nothing I can say or do will ever be enough to even slightly make up for what I’ve done to your family. I accept whatever sentence this court wishes to give me, and I don’t ask for any leniency. I will pay whatever I can, and more, in restitution. Please know that I understand you will live the rest of your lives with this grief, and I will spend the rest of my life living with this guilt. You don’t deserve to feel this pain, but I do. I gladly accept any punishment for what I’ve done, even though I know the scales will never be balanced.”
It’s like he knows exactly what I needed to hear from the man who killed my father. His words touch my heart, and finally I’m crying like everyone else in court.
“I’d like to say something,” comes a shaky voice from behind me as the mother of the girl who was killed stands up. I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s not her time to take the stand yet, and apparently, neither does the judge. It’s a touching moment for everyone, it seems. “I want you to know that I forgive you. Of course, I’ll never get over what you’ve done. But I can’t live with this hatred and anger in my heart, so I forgive you. It’s what…” her voice breaks, “it’s what Kylie would have wanted. So, I’d like to ask the court for leniency in sentencing. This man obviously knows what he’s done, and ruining another family won’t change what has happened to mine.” She sits back down and dissolves into tears, her husband grabbing onto her like she’ll float away if he doesn’t hold tightly enough.
“Please excuse me,” I whisper to my boss, rushing out of the courtroom as fast as I can. I run to the ladies’ room and stand at the sink, dry heaving. I feel sick.
The breakup with Maddox combined with the courtroom drama that feels all too personal has me reeling. I stare at my reflection in the sink above the mirror, trying to process everything.
I see the man on the stand in my mind’s eye, apologizing to the family he ruined. But as I think about him, his face keeps flickering back and forth, switching to the face of the man who killed my father, the way I saw him when he hovered over me at the hospital.
If the mother of the little girl, Kylie, could forgive this man for killing her daughter, why can’t I let go of my anger?
I want to crawl out of my skin. I have to do something, and it can’t wait. I quickly tap out a text to my boss saying I’m ill and had to leave. It’s very unlike me; I’ve never walked out of a courtroom before like that, but hopefully my track record will make up for it.
I hop in Clara’s car, which I borrowed to go to court today. I don’t need GPS to get to where I know I need to go.
On the drive, I think about everything that happened with Maddox. I was livid when I saw that star on his hand. I felt like I would never get over a betrayal like this. Plus, everything I had feared about a relationship, especially one with him, happened: I messed up at school and I lost my best friend.
But I didn’t lose my best friend, I see that now. We are fine now, and if anything, we are closer than ever. I have a new appreciation for her, and it made me aware of how much she means to me and how I need to treat her better.
And I’d been getting burnt out at school before Maddox came along and turned my world upside down. Why can’t I forgive myself for making one mistake? Especially since I worked it out with my adviser and my grades will be fine. A B is not the end of the world.
And Maddox didn’t really betray me. Yeah, I’m still pissed he went back to the sex club without me, especially since we saw his ex there last time we went. But I believe what he said about only going ‘cause the guys made him and he just had one drink at the bar. He loves me. I have no reason to believe he would betray me the way I had imagined when I saw the red star.