That thought was good for a laugh… and to occupy my mind with as I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, unable to get a good night’s sleep.
One night, seven days after my last talk with Ishan, seven days after the day I was supposed to wed Abner, I woke from a rather unusual dream. And by unusual, I meant both Abner and Ishan had been in it… doing some rather inappropriate things to me. Together. It was quite stimulating and I woke with a heart practically beating out of my chest.
I sat up, gathering the blankets around me, feeling my thighs clenching beneath the sheets of their own accord. My skin was sweaty and hot, in spite of the cool air in my room. I hadn’t attempted to start a fire in the fireplace, not wanting to disturb anything here.
A good thing too, for that dream had made me feel like exploding with heat.
I could not say why the thought of both Abner and Ishan having me was such a tempting one, but it was. Frankly, I could not imagine anything better. It would be the best of both worlds, wouldn’t it? I highly doubted I could ever make both gods happy, but it was a thought that filled my stomach with butterflies and made my core heat up all on its own.
Unable to get back to sleep, I rolled out of bed, my bare feet hitting the floor. The cold did not bother me, even though I wore only a thin slip over my body, nothing else. I kept it tied tightly around my waist, breathing heavily, as if I’d really been with both Abner and Ishan at once.
Ooh, that was certainly a thought that would follow me to my grave. An impure thought through and through, but it wasn’t like I could help it. I supposed losing my virginity to that traveling merchant’s son a few years ago was also impure, since we hadn’t been married, but I never saw myself with any of the boys in my village.
Boys. That’s all they’d been. Abner? Ishan? They were gods, handsome in every way, on their own level when it came to their masculinity. They were the kind of men most women could only dream of, and me? I was actually here, caught between them.
Perhaps it was due to that dream, or perhaps it was due to something else, but I had a thought right then, a thought that would surely petrify my family if they ever heard it: what if I gave myself to them? What if I had them both in the most carnal way possible? It would surely be the most exciting time of my life, memories I would not soon forget, and maybe it would help make my decision clearer, easier.
Or maybe that was wishful thinking, and having sex with them would only serve to complicate things further.
Folding my arms over my chest, I slipped out of my room, moving into the quiet, dim hallway. I glanced down it both ways, knowing I was alone and yet still feeling as if I was being watched. Ishan could be nearby; he very well might not have left me after I told him I needed time, sticking to his invisibility to keep an eye on me.
Well, that would be an invasion of privacy, definitely, and if he was doing it, he and I would have to have a little talk about it. But not right now.
Right now, I… well, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted right now, what I was doing or where I was going. All I knew was that there was no possible way I’d ever fall back asleep after that particularly lucid and sensual dream, not when my body was still aching for a release, for touch. For something, anything.
Don’t ask me why, but I ended up in the throne room. Clouds covered the moon in the sky, and yet slivers of moonlight still somehow found their way to the half-circle of windows behind the throne. Abner was not here, thankfully, allowing me to walk right up to the throne.
Its wood was gilded and ancient, the cushion on its seat looking as if it never saw much use, a light blue color, though shadows danced across it. My bare feet stood just before it. No other throne sat in the room; there was just the one, just his.
If I chose Abner, would I get my own throne? It wasn’t as if he entertained anyone here, not like he threw balls or dealt with the people living in the kingdom this castle oversaw. This room, this entire castle, for that matter, was simply for show. None of it meant anything.
I looked around the room, breathing in the air that was somewhat stale. The darkness of the long room only seemed to make it feel like a crossroads, a strange place for a girl to be, a place where no one should be, in fact. Before me sat a throne, the throne my husband would sit in, if I chose to remain here and wed Abner.
Even though I had never seen Ishan’s castle, I knew his was probably much like this one, only his throne room was probably decked in gold and warmer colors, not a single cloud in the sky. Ishan was Summer, warmth and life.
Abner… he was Winter, cold and death.
My eyebrows creased, and I reached out toward the throne, running a hand along its arm, feeling the smooth wood beneath my fingertips. If I was seen as death, I supposed I would not want to try, either. Why bother leaving this castle when everyone hated your presence? When your name was cursed because your winter storms had caused caravans to freeze to death?
Abner was stuck here, alone, hating who he was, what he was, and I felt for him. I did. How could I not? Still, feeling bad for him, having empathy, did not mean I could overlook what he’d done to those other girls, what he would’ve done to me, if Ishan hadn’t stepped in.
How could I possibly entertain the idea of staying here with him after that? Was I mad?
The echo of footsteps was faint, at first, but I heard them. I heard them, and I squared my shoulders, though I refused to turn around, even as the footsteps emerged from the adjacent hall and came into the throne room.
Abner, because of course it was him. Who else would it be? It seemed he wandered the castle nightly, too. Though I’d been hoping not to see anyone—especially tonight, after that dream, with my body still feeling so warm and wanting—it wasn’t as if I could change it now.
“You’re still here.” Abner’s voice rang out, though he only whispered it, and although he was still a good ways away from me, it was as if he whispered that right into my ear.
When my body shivered that time, it didn’t shiver because it was cold. “Did Ishan not tell you that I asked for a month to decide?” Of course he had to know I was still here; his messenger dropped food at my door each day, every mealtime. He and I just hadn’t seen each other since our last confrontation.
He must’ve been careful to be quiet as he walked, for the next time he opened his mouth, I found he was much closer than he’d been before, probably around ten feet behind me. “You should’ve gone with him,” he told me, his voice coming out so sad. “There is no choice here, nothing left for you to decide, Morana.”
I pulled off the throne, slow to face him, to meet his melancholy expression. Abner stood, his shoulders slumped, just far enough I couldn’t reach him, but close enough I could see the pain in his silvery eyes. I should not feel anything toward him, should not feel my heart ache for him or my body wanting to pull itself closer to him, but I did.
I did, and that was the problem here, why I couldn’t just leave him and not look back. Even with Ishan at my side, I could never forget the lonely god of Winter, his sins, his desires, his sorrow.
Abner shook his head, his jaw tense. He wore an ensemble of light blue and white clothes, the clothing itself regal, but the way he held himself was anything but. I did not know of a king that could ever look so utterly forlorn, lost in his own home. “Everything you said, you were right. I put others in danger for selfish reasons, take women from their homes, from their families, to become my bride—but they only end up frozen. Over and over I’ve tried, even though the end result is always the same.”