Adira: What are you practicing?
Me: Luring my prey.
I sniffled, the truth tearing me apart.
Water splashed behind me, but I didn’t turn to see. I couldn’t. My heart was too busy breaking itself apart.
“Don’t,” Fenris said softly. “Please don’t. I’m sorry for pushing. I shouldn’t have said any of that. Forgive me?”
“For what? For telling me the truth like I wanted? I think you’re right. There’s a lot I’m not ready to hear.”
“I know. I’m trying to help you, Eliana. Please believe that.”
“I do.”
“Can I claim one of my hugs?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”
Since Adira hadn’t yet answered, I dropped the phone onto the bag and went to sit against the tunnel wall. The cool temperature against my back helped calm what still raged inside of me. Fenris crouched beside the pool, a fair distance away. His intent study made me nervous so I closed my eyes.
After a few minutes, I heard the faint lap of water and knew he’d returned to the pool. That thing inside of me gradually eased, and I opened my eyes.
He lounged in the hot spring, his arms draped wide over the ledge, and his head tipped back. The pose might have conveyed a relaxed carelessness to anyone who didn’t know him. But I did, and all I saw was the defeat in the way he held his shoulders.
I hated that I’d disappointed him, and I knew I needed to find a way to explain my tears and resistance to his repeated offers.
“You’re afraid of losing a friend, but so am I,” I said.
“You smell like lust all the time, Fenris. I don’t need to prime you for a feeding; you’re already primed.” The flush staining my cheeks grew brighter with each word. “Do you understand what would happen if I started feeding on you like they want? That lust would increase. You’d become driven to find a way to sate it. Obsessed.”
He swallowed hard, and I stared at the strong column of his throat, knowing he was listening.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I could break you in ways that could never be fixed. Dying of want and desperate to ease the ache inside you, you’ll seek relief. You won’t care who you give yourself to. And when it’s done, you’ll be mated for life. But you won’t see that person. You won’t think of her as the center of your universe like you’re supposed to. You’ll only think of me.
“Fight me when I’m too weak to fight myself, Fenris. Because if I fed on you, I would never be able to forgive myself.”
He lifted his head, and our gazes locked.
“And if it’s you?” he asked.
“If what’s me?”
“What if you’re the one I want to give myself to?”
So many images flitted through my head at the thought of Fenris giving himself to me, but the one that stuck was superimposed over another. The image of my dad on his knees before my mom when she came to get me. The way he’d begged for her to accept him again.
An ache returned to my chest that had nothing to do with hunger. I briefly closed my eyes against the pain but didn’t try to ignore it. I let it ground me and give me focus.
When I looked at Fenris again, I let my annoyance show.
“I came here to relax. Is that going to happen, or should I just go home?”
“You know you don’t want to go home.”
“I know I don’t want to stay here if you keep pressuring me to feed. You’re not supposed to be like them.”
He flinched like I’d hit him.
“You’re right. I’m not.” He lifted himself from the pool, and I quickly averted my gaze so I wouldn’t see how the water molded his shorts to places I had no right to consider.
“Use the pool, Eliana. Relax. I’ll check on you in a while to make sure you don’t drown.”
He walked away into the darkness of the tunnel, leaving me alone with my guilt and thoughts.
I returned to the pool and sank to my chin. The heat should have melted away my tension, but it didn’t. Fenris’s words continued to ring in my ears, and I couldn’t help but dwell on what my life would be like if I fed on him and he gave himself to me like he said.
I’d witnessed what it was like with bonded pairs. Their love couldn’t be swayed and tarnished by someone like me. The idea of such an incorruptible love and loyalty without needing to use coercion made my heart race. What wouldn’t I give for that? To have someone love me, truly love me, not with mindless devotion but with a purposeful awareness of choosing me, and only me, above all others? My bottom lip trembled, and the ache in my chest grew. That was all I wanted. And it was something I would never have.
I didn’t want to be like my mom and feed on other men so she could safely sleep with Dad at night. One man. That was it. Yet, just one feeding would destroy any partner I chose.
Taking a breath, I sank under the water and forced my mind to clear. Finally, some of the tension started to fade, and my chaotic thoughts focused.
What I wanted from life didn’t matter as much as just figuring out how to live. I knew Fenris’s offer to feed from him stemmed from his need to help me find a solution to my problem. How long had it been since I’d fed? I felt like I was on the longest streak yet, discounting Piepen’s horrendous contribution.
I shuddered under the water and resurfaced to take a cleansing breath.
My strong opposition to feeding had been in stealing someone’s free will in exchange for keeping myself alive. Mrs. Quill had been a convenient answer since she’d been unaffected by me, but I’d known all along she wasn’t a long-term solution.
Sighing, I thought of the dryads. While I felt fairly certain I’d accidentally fed on the pair, they hadn’t followed me from the woods despite being seduced. That was promising. However, their lack of obsession could have been due to a number of factors, like the fact that I hadn’t fed much or that they were unable to leave their trees. Therefore, could I say I safely fed from them?
And even if it was safe to feed from them, could I? I remembered the earth and rain taste and made a small face. It hadn’t tasted the best, but it was far better than brownie lust.
Grudgingly, I thought maybe, if I was really hungry, I could—I shook the thought away. I wasn’t hungry at the moment. At least, not like I was used to being hungry. So there was no point in that line of thinking.
Fenris had gotten into my head again.
Resting against the ledge, I closed my eyes and let myself float. The gentle lap of the water and distant drip lulled me enough that I gradually drifted into a state of semi-awareness.
“You’re smiling,” Fenris said softly. “I think that means your time’s up.”
“That sounds ominous,” I murmured.
The water dipped and swelled around me a moment before Fenris’s cool, strong arms slid around my shoulders and under my knees.
“Definitely done.”
The timbre of his voice caressed my middle, and my hunger stirred.
“Shh. No talking.”
I turned my head and inhaled deeply, my nose pressed against the crook of his neck.
“You always smell good. I shouldn’t be able to smell you so much in here. You’re too tempting.”