He chuckled.
“That’s what all the girls say.”
I thought of his herd and nodded.
“I guess I’m one of them now, too. Does that mean you’re going to stop talking to me and start running away and hiding?”
“Nope. Because then you’d need to be the flirty one to come find me and talk me out of my panic. It just wouldn’t work as well.”
I pulled back to peer up at him as he sat, cradling me in his lap.
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Never.
“Better not be.”
He grinned down at me.
“I thought you came here to relax. Questioning me is not the way to relax.”
I sighed and leaned against him, languid no matter what he said. His hand smoothed over my back and my arms. I loved Fenris time.
Another sigh escaped me, and I turned my head to press my lips against his skin. His hands only paused slightly before continuing their repetitive journey. Slowly, the heat dissipated, and my head cleared.
Cringing, I pulled back from him again.
“Sorry about that.”
“About what?” He lifted his brows innocently.
If he wasn’t going to talk about the chest kiss, neither was I.
“Nothing.”
He chuckled and released me.
“That glow doesn’t seem to be fading, does it?” he asked as I stood.
I looked down at my bralette. The valley between my breasts and Piepen’s hideous glowing splat were clearly visible. As were other details thanks to the thin, wet material.
Gods, I wanted to cross my arms. Instead, I fisted my hands at my sides and forced myself to stay where I was rather than running away.
My will lasted two seconds before I scurried for the tunnel.
“I’m just going to change.”
Fenris’s chuckle echoed off the walls, but he didn’t try to stop me. I followed the passageway to the first set of pools where we’d lit a torch and set the bag. Though there was a significant amount of steam in the air, and I knew anything I put on would just get wet, I still grabbed Fenris’s borrowed button-up and tugged it over my wet clothes.
“Claiming that for your own?” he asked.
“For now.”
Not only did I wear it outside, but I also used it to dry off. Fenris held the damp shirt I’d tossed back at him and arched a brow as I scrambled to tug my own shirt on so my frozen hair wouldn’t hit my back.
“What? You’re always warm,” I mumbled, grabbing my jeans. “You’ll be fine.”
“I can smell where you rubbed it.”
I turned away from him to do a little jump-shimmy to get the jeans up my wet legs. And also to hide my smile because I’d scrubbed his shirt over Piepen’s mark hard enough that my chest was red.
“It’s the gift that keeps giving,” I said. “You’re welcome.”
When I faced Fenris again, he was already dressed. I sat on the patch of ground he’d cleared for us and put on my socks and shoes. Not that they helped much. Despite being dangerously warm while in the pools, my fingers and toes were already numb.
As soon as I finished dressing, he wrapped me in the blanket and started for the car. Even in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, my ear stung with cold by the time we reached the road.
“We need a better way to enjoy those caves,” I chattered.
He started the car, closed all the vents so they weren’t blowing cold air at me, and grabbed my hands, warming them with his.
“Like what?” he asked.
“A heated changing booth like those things the humans used on the beaches in the 50s.”
“Aren’t they still used?”
“How would I know? Even before I was stuck in Uttira, all I saw was ‘appropriate’ movie reruns.”
“What was it like, living with a dad who had such strong religious beliefs?”
I blinked at him. In four years, he was the first one to ever ask me that.
“It was hard. Conflicting. Confusing. It still is.”
“How?”
“I was told to dress lady-like, be modest, respectful, quiet. But Dad loved a woman who wasn’t any of that. He had pictures of them together. What Mom wore wasn’t modest, and she had a presence, even in photos, that said she wasn’t quiet.
“It wasn’t just how to dress. It was the way I was supposed to think. On Dad’s bad days, he wept for Mom like she’d died. I could hear him praying, begging his god to bring her back to him. On his good days, he’d write sermons about the devil and how temptation can come in many forms.
“When I started to have thoughts and feelings that were far from what Dad was teaching, I thought I’d been corrupted by the devil. I’d have nightmares of burning in hell. Sometimes, though, I’d have dreams where I did the things I was told I should never do.”
I swallowed hard and gently tugged my hands from Fenris’s and folded them in my lap.
“I was happy in those dreams. Until I woke up and guilt hit me for enjoying what I knew was wrong.
“Then, Mom showed up and told me everything I thought was wrong was actually right. That she wasn’t a demon but a different kind of woman. Watching Dad fall to his knees in front of her, though, made me wonder who was right because she did more than tempt him. She changed him.” I shook my head. “The man who preached modesty would have had sex with her in public if she’d asked him to.”
The air started to warm in the car, and Fenris opened the vents.
“Seeing how Mom fed and what happened to the people she fed on disturbed me. But learning that I was the same creature? That terrified me. It still does. I love her, but I don’t want to be anything like her.”
“So don’t be. Be who you want to be.”
He made it sound easy, but it was far from that. It wasn’t possible to be a succubus who didn’t feed. Not without dying, and I didn’t want to die. Yet, I refused to hurt anyone to spare myself. No matter what Adira and my mother said, I would cling to what remained of my humanity for as long as possible.
A sudden realization hit me, and a sick weight settled into my stomach.
I was clinging to something that had never existed.
I wasn’t human. The simplicity of human relationships, no matter how much I craved them, would never be mine.
Heart-heavy, I let the epiphany settle into my mind. In that moment, more than any previous ones, I struggled with any sense of self because the Eliana I’d been raised to be was nothing more than a lie. In a way, coming to that realization was a relief. It meant I could let go of the obligations that tormented me. Or, rather, I could try to. Letting go was often harder than holding on.
Taking my silence as the end of the conversation, Fenris shifted into gear and turned around. I thought we were heading back to town, but he turned onto a road that led to the pack homes and the cabin.
I didn’t ask where we were going since either place would be fine with me. Just so long as he wasn’t returning me to the Quills’ house yet. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do about dinner. While I knew Mom’s invitation would trump Adira’s, I also knew that avoiding Adira wouldn’t make her go away. Especially now that she knew the tracking spell was gone.
Fenris passed the road to pack territory. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what he would do in my shoes, but I already knew. He’d told me time and again not to run from Adira, that it’d only goad her. So, that meant attending the dinner.