“She’s allergic to the fabric?” I ask.
“More likely the detergent it was washed in. Have you switched recently?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to those things.”
“Babies have sensitive skin.” She fills a basin with warm water and uses a soft cloth over Josie’s rash. “Make sure you buy detergent without dyes or perfumes.” She lets Josie tug on the wet cloth. “Does that feel better, sweetie?” She turns to me, keeping a hand on Josie. “Give her a bath when you get home. Be sure to use a baby body wash, not your own. We’ll put a soothing lotion on her here, and I’ll have the nurse give you the names of those you can buy. Ditch the old detergent and wash all her clothes several times with the new one. She’ll be fine wearing just the diaper home in this weather. The rash should clear up in a day or two.”
“So that’s it? Her throat isn’t going to swell up or anything?”
“No. The rash is only on the surface. Breathe, Dad. It’s going to be okay.”
Dad. No one has ever called me that before. And it’s as if something inside me shifts. I remember wondering this morning if I’d be okay with a positive paternity test. I run my hand down Josie’s arm. She looks into my eyes and grabs my finger.
I guess I have my answer.
Chapter Thirty-two
Amber
I put the third load of Josie’s clothes into the dryer. “I still can’t believe this was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t,” Quinn says. “You had no idea she’d react to the detergent.”
“I can’t stop thinking about her horrific cries when you called me. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you in person.”
“She’s got quite a pair of lungs,” he says.
I pass her room and peek in. “I feel like I should watch her sleep. I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to her.”
“Me neither.”
“How can Michelle not check on her? Doesn’t she want to know how she is? I mean, you could be feeding her cheeseburgers and poisoning her with laundry detergent.”
“Honestly? I don’t know.”
I pick up my phone. “Will you be okay with her for a while? I need to make a call.”
“Go ahead.”
Outside, I walk to the arena and sit in the empty bleachers off to one side. Mickey, the head horse trainer, is working with a mare. I page through my contacts until I get to Piper’s name. Piper Mitchell. I’m not sure why I put her in this way; technically, her last name is Lawrence. Karen’s words come back to me: She didn’t want you.
I tap on her name. She immediately answers. “Amber?”
“Hi.”
“Is everything okay?” She seems concerned.
“Yes, why?”
“Well, it’s just that… you’ve never called me before.”
“Sure, I have. We’ve spoken dozens of times over the years.”
“We have, but I’m always the one who calls you.”
I feel about two inches tall when I realize she’s right. “I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just happy to hear from you. Skylar tells me you’re still in Texas. Must be hot down there.”
“It is. But I love the ranch.”
I tell her about learning to ride horses. We talk about my job. About Jon Thompson’s arrest. About Josie. Mostly about Josie. The rash. Her smile. How she’s sleeping through the night. I even text her a few pictures.
“I’d really like to have that lunch when I get back,” I say.
“Me too. Do you know when you’ll go home?”
“I’m not sure. The whole Josie thing is still up in the air.”
“Still no word about paternity? It sure is taking a long time.”
“It is. Too long.”
“What do you want to happen?” she asks.
“Wow—that’s a loaded question.”
“Yet somehow, I feel it’s part of the reason for this call. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? You must be bottling a lot of things inside.”
“I just want her to be happy and healthy.”
“That’s what all mothers want for their children.”
“I’m not a mother.”
“With the way you’ve been talking about Josie for the last half hour, you could have fooled me.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything.”
“I know you said giving me up was hard, and you’d look at your bracelet and hope I was happy, but could you ever really miss me, having only known me for an hour?”
Her voice cracks. “Every day for the past twenty-eight years.”
I sigh. “And all I’ve done is make it harder for you.”
“You haven’t. I knew what I was giving up. And honestly, I never expected to find you. I didn’t think you’d want to know me. This—what we have—is more than I thought I’d have, so don’t you ever feel guilty. Knowing you is a gift, Amber. Maybe one I don’t even deserve.”
“I think you’re wrong. What if Josie’s mom gave her up because she knew she couldn’t give her a good life? What if, like you, she’s doing the best for her child by giving her to someone who can raise her? On the other hand, I don’t get how she can know where her child is and not inquire about her.”
“Honestly? If I had known where you were all those years, it would have been worse. I’m glad I didn’t until I had time to process my own feelings. Now it’s my turn to ask you a question.”
“Shoot.”
“What’ll you do if Josie isn’t Quinn’s child?”
“I’ve asked myself that question every day for five weeks. Maybe it’s why I called. I want to know how hard it is to lose a child you care about.”
Her deep sigh echoes through the phone. “You’ve been caring for her for well over a month, Amber. I knew you for an hour, and it was still the hardest thing I’d ever done. Mother or not, I can tell how much you love her. So, yes, it’ll be difficult. And I’m not sure there’s any advice I can give that will help you through it except to love her as hard as you can for as long as you have her.”
I try to keep the tears at bay.
“Can I ask one more question?” she says.
“Okay.”
“Is Josie the only one you’ve fallen in love with down there?”
I stare blankly at Mickey and the horse. “I…”
“You don’t have to answer. But eventually, you’ll have to figure it out. You told me before that you had no interest in having a boyfriend. It makes sense, having been left by everyone who loved you. But when I saw you and Quinn together in Calloway Creek, it was evident you have strong feelings for each other. Take it from someone who almost threw away the best relationship she ever had: you find a man who looks at you like that, he may be worth holding on to.”
“I’d better go. I want to check on Josie.”
“Call me anytime. And let me know about lunch.”