The idea of it being finished made her feel something worse than guilt.
“You can start filling muffin tins,” she said, handing her a giant pastry bag filled with batter. “We need to make a hundred muffins.”
“Why don’t you just make a giant-ass cake,” she grumbled, moving to the muffin tins that were all lined up on the counter.
“Because this is fussy and fiddly,” she said, grinning. “And I like fussy and fiddly.”
“Can confirm,” Violet said.
“Oh, you love it,” Evelyn said, grinning. “I can’t tell you how wonderful it’s been to have a professional baker on hand as a new sister.”
Elsie looked at the two women, and she suddenly felt like she was standing on another side of a glass pane from the two of them. She could confide in them. But she hadn’t done anything to get particularly close to them since they’d married her brothers.
Yes, she was completely friendly with them. And she had been from the beginning. But it wasn’t the same thing. She hadn’t learned to do the girl-talk thing. She had been raised by men, and had entrenched herself in that.
And she couldn’t confide in them now, no matter how much she wanted to. To ask them if it was normal to be obsessed with the man you were sleeping with. To ask them what she was going to do when everything came to an end, because it would. And she was terrified by the prospect. But even more terrified at the idea of anything else.
“Are you okay, Elsie?” Evelyn asked. “You seemed different the last couple of weeks.”
“Yes,” she said. “I’m fine.”
Evelyn frowned. “You know, when I first met you, I really admired how open you were. But I thought you reminded me a lot of somebody who hadn’t really been hurt yet. And as much as I know about your parents from the time I spent hearing Sawyer talk about his life, I know that isn’t true. You definitely had your hardships.”
Elsie felt uncomfortable with that characterization because in many ways it was actually true.
“Well, I have,” Elsie said. “But in the way that I don’t really know any different. Sawyer and Wolf took care of me. And I never had parents who were any better than the ones I had. Absent and uninterested. My life didn’t really change that much when my dad died. And I felt like I should be sadder than I was, but... I’ve been protected. So you’re right. I haven’t been hurt.”
And as soon as she said that her throat went tight. Because she felt like the problem was that hurt was inevitable. And she could suddenly see the path to it in a way she never had before.
“So...” Evelyn said.
“Nothing’s happening,” she said. And she started to aggressively fill the muffin tins.
“Well, the way that you said that makes me not believe you,” Evelyn said.
“Well, doesn’t matter if you believe me or not,” Elsie said.
She looked away from Evelyn, but then her eyes landed on Violet, who blinked slowly. “Yeah. I don’t believe you either.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter if you believe me or not.”
“Hi,” came a cheerful-sounding voice.
Alaina. Of course. Alaina was coming to help them get the food together because the Garretts were responsible for the desserts, and Elsie had asked if she would. And she had completely forgotten.
“Come on in,” Evelyn shouted.
And Alaina appeared a moment later with a giant bowl of dough in her hands. “Pastry dough at the ready.”
“Perfect,” Evelyn said. “I’m almost finished cooking down the raspberries for the Danish. And then pie filling is on the way.”
“Hi,” Elsie said, trying to smile, but she had a feeling it looked more like a grimace.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“As it happens, we were just discussing that. I was saying that she has seemed very distracted.”
“I’m not distracted,” Elsie said.
“You do seem weird,” Alaina said. And then suddenly her expression changed. “Did you... Has something happened with Travis?”
And suddenly, Elsie was weak with horror and relief. “I... You know not Travis, but there are some things happening and...”
Alaina looked slightly wounded, like Elsie had hurt her by not telling her about all this. But if she only knew...well, she’d be a lot more hurt if she knew.
“Really?” Evelyn asked, arching a brow. “Like...some things?”
“Uh, yes,” Elsie said, suddenly very aware that everyone was looking at her. “It’s just...you know, not a huge deal or anything, it’s just... I have a lot on my mind.”
“Well, which guy?” Violet asked. “I want to rate him.”
“Rate him?” Elsie asked.
“Yes,” Violet said, very seriously. “A ruggedness scale.”
Evelyn laughed. “Yeah, rugged. I like them big and rugged.”
“Same,” Violet said, smiling slightly.
“No, we are not rating,” Elsie said. “It’s no... I can’t. No. I’m embarrassed.”
“I’m enjoying this,” Violet said. “And I feel like I’m owed,” she continued. “You know, my best friend is my aunt and I have to hear about how deeply satisfied she is with my uncle. She’s ten years younger than him. My dad was really... Anyway, it’s a long story but the point is, I’m enjoying getting to horrify someone else.”
“Well, stop,” Elsie said. “I don’t want to be horrified. But that’s it, that’s all there is to say.”
“No, it’s not,” Alaina said. “Is the guy we can’t rate good in bed?”
Her face went hot. Because she wasn’t thinking about Travis. She was just thinking about Hunter.
“I don’t have anything to compare them to,” she said.
“You don’t need to,” Violet said. “When you know, you know.”
She was molten now. “Then I know. It’s good. Good enough that I’m distracted. But I don’t really need to have this conversation with everybody,” she said.
“It’s not a big deal,” Evelyn said, waving a hand. “You’re a grown woman.”
“Yeah, Sawyer may not see it that way,” Violet said.
“Oh, don’t tell Sawyer,” Elsie said.
“I don’t keep things from Sawyer.”