I look at Mama. She never stands up to him or tells him what she thinks and as I think the thought, realization strikes. My relationship with Tristan had been like that. I was scared to voice my opinions because maybe I was emulating what I saw at home. With Logan it was so different. We were so open and nonjudgmental.
“And what did you say to him?” I ask bitterly. Maybe I just want Mama to stand up to Papa for once, or at least stand up for me. He’s always pushing his opinions and what he thinks is right for Alessa and me. Papa wanted Alessa to become a doctor, but she told him it wasn’t happening. That she was passionate about engineering. My sister stood up to him in a way I never have, and maybe it is time for me to do the same. I realize in this moment I can’t teach Mama how to stand up for herself or say what would make her happy, but I can be my own advocate.
“I listened. I told him maybe he was too harsh. I don’t want to give away your secrets,” she replies.
I sit up in my bed. “It’s time for my secrets to be revealed. It’s time for him to know what’s in my heart and what I like. He can’t go on bulldozing my life,” I snarl, even though Mama isn’t the object of my anger. I almost add the words “like he’s done to your life,” but I don’t want to hurt her in that way.
I stand from my bed feeling very empowered for the first time in maybe ever. I have never confronted my father before. Never felt free to speak my mind but it isn’t only me who has something to lose. Logan worked his whole life to get to this point in his career. I’m not going to let Papa derail his dreams.
I go downstairs like a woman on a mission, as Mama trails behind. When I get to the kitchen, the table is set for three since Alessa and Nigel aren’t due home until Friday night.
I sit at the table. Papa is already here waiting. He eyes me and I look him in the eyes and take a seat at the table. He gives grace for our food and then I place some food on my plate too. Mama made homemade quesadillas with chicken, vegetables, and rice. It is one of my favorite meals, but I am so full of nervous energy I lost my appetite.
I glare at my father. “Papa, I’ve been lying to you.”
My father’s dark brows pinch. He lowers the forkful of food he was about to put in his mouth. “Excuse me?”
“I’ve been lying to you and I’m sorry. I met Logan in Hawaii when I was there with Alessa. I didn’t know he was a player on your team. I was hurting and Alessa thought he was a nice guy. He was sitting beside me on the plane because his brother was getting married, and all his friends were there for the wedding,” I explain. “Alessa convinced me I needed to put myself out there again. She was worried I was so shut down I would never trust a man with my heart again. Although I wasn’t ready for love or a relationship when I met Logan, I had fun with him for the first time in a year. When we parted in Hawaii, it was my intention to never see him again. I was shocked to see him at Westfall,” I reveal, still holding my father’s gaze while watching the balls roll in his mind as he digests this new information.
“You see, Mario, she didn’t intend to go behind your back,” Mama says to Papa.
“So you knew about this?” Papa snaps, giving Mama a dirty look.
Mama nods and bows her head. My stomach twists for her but I am not going to bow. I am going to hold my own.
“My whole family thinks it’s okay to lie to me, to keep secrets from me?” he shouts, and he stands from his seat.
“Not lie, Papa,” I reply. “You always give your opinions about my life. You thought I should be a lawyer, so I went into pre-law.”
“You dropped out of Boston. You let it all go to waste,” Papa cuts me off, snapping.
“Because Tristan hurt me. Can’t you understand how he gutted me? I went out with him from the start because I knew he was the kind of guy you approved of. I’ve been spending my whole life trying to please you. Maybe I’m tired of doing that,” I sigh and some of the fight evaporates from my body, leaving me feeling drained.
“Pleasing me?” Papa points to his chest. “Everything I’ve done has been for this family. I work hard to give you all a good life. To make sure my daughters are successful, and what do you do? You go behind my back with one of my players. And not just any player, but a player I trusted. I’ve treated Logan like a son from the moment he arrived at Westfall. I knew about his background and his challenging situation. I was there for him. All I asked was for my players not to hit on my daughter. I watched you broken and hurting for the past year. I didn’t want you getting tangled up with any of those guys and getting your heart broken all over again,” Papa justifies, and his face is red and his hands shake.
“It was never my intention to hurt you, Papa,” I say, as the first tear breaks free and falls down my cheek. “I didn’t realize how hard I fell for Logan until I saw him at Westfall and we became friends. We hung out and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to have some fun. I also went with my feelings. I wasn’t thinking what you would want or what would be good for my future. I was following my heart,” I admit, and my voice cracks as more tears fall.
“That boy is leaving Westfall in a few months. Who knows what team he’ll end up on. Do you even know if he wants a relationship with you past Westfall?” Papa asks.
I shake my head. “We never discussed the future. We were living in the moment and maybe that sounds bad to you, but he made me happy. He made me feel alive again for the first time in a long time. Being with him made me realize what I had with Tristan was so wrong. I’m happy things ended with Tristan now because if I would have married him, I would’ve been miserable. We were so wrong for each other.” I swipe at the tears that are falling and use my napkin to wipe at my nose. I watch my father. He doesn’t look like the strong coach I saw leading his team. He looks like a lost boy as my words penetrate.
He digs both heels of his palms into his eyes and he begins to shake, and that’s when I realize he is crying.
Mama walks over to him and wraps him in her arms.
I stand frozen. Not sure what to do.
Then Papa lifts his head. “I had to work so hard for everything. I wanted life to be easier for you,” he explains.
“I know you mean well,” I say, leaving my seat. I walk over to him. “I love you for it. I do. I just need you to give me space to learn who I am and what I want. In the meantime, you took Logan out of the starting game of the tournament. You know how important this tournament is for the draft. You also know how hard Logan has worked. That he came from nothing and has made it to the top. Do you really want to be responsible for ruining his future?”
Papa shakes his head. “You’re right, mija,” he sighs, and he reaches out to take my hand. I offer it to him, and he gives it a squeeze. “When did you become so smart about life?”
“I’ve had a good role model,” I tell him, wanting to ease his tension.
He blinks and sniffles.
“You’re right, Logan should play, but it doesn’t mean you two should be together. You don’t even know where he stands, for goodness’ sake,” Papa says.
“I don’t know where he stands, but he has told me he has real feelings for me, and I feel something special for him too,” I share.