“I can’t give you my blessing. Not like this. I have to leave town tomorrow early in the morning. I won’t be home until after the tournament, and I’m hoping we win,” Papa says. If anything, I’ve learned how driven Papa is. How hard he works and how hard the team works for him.
“I don’t want to come in the way of your success,” I tell him.
“It’s better we send someone else to cover the tournament,” Papa says and although it stings, I’ll take it if. . .
“Will you let Logan play?”
“Yes, mija, he should play. I don’t like that you two were dishonest about your relationship. You should have told me you met in Hawaii. I don’t know that I would have liked it, but at least it would not have seemed like such a betrayal,” he scolds.
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to lie to you. I said goodbye to Logan in Hawaii and never expected to see him again. When I realized he was your player, I was shocked and then you warned all the guys about hitting on me. I didn’t want to let you down,” I clarify.
“You couldn’t ever let me down. If anything, I spent the last year so worried about you,” Papa says. “But I need you to stay away for the tournament. I want Logan to have a clear head going in. No distractions. After we win, you can figure things out. I just don’t think I could handle him breaking your heart when we are on the road to the championships.”
“I understand,” I say to Papa, and I hug him. “I hope you guys win. Will you call Logan and talk to him?”
Papa nods. “Let’s have some dinner and I’ll make the call.”
Papa called Logan from his office after dinner. It was a quick conversation that ended with, “I will see you in the morning” so I figured it went well. I went up to my room and stared at the last words I had written Logan.
Lili: I’m sorry to hurt you, but I told you from the start I wasn’t equipped to deal with anything serious. It was fun while it lasted.
When I typed those words, I felt like my stupid behavior, my lust for him, had ended his career. I thought he was better off without me, and that Papa would never accept us together. I still hadn’t told Papa I wanted to change majors this late in my degree. He wasn’t going to take the news well, and I figured I had to choose my battles. Either way, I had to finish off my classes for the semester and get my credits. I continue to stare at my phone. Logan did say he wanted to tell my father how much we meant to each other, but he was leaving Westfall in a few months. He clearly didn’t think things through, and he followed his heart instead of thinking what was good for himself. It hurt my heart to think he almost lost everything he worked for.
I begin to type a message to Logan and then erase it. Papa asked me to stay away from him. He wants Logan focusing on the game and not his personal life, and yet when I reread that stupid message I wrote in haste, thinking he was better off without me, I regret it down to my every fiber. I can’t let those words be the last thing I say to him before the tournament.
Me: Good luck at the tournament.
It only takes a few moments for him to reply.
Logan: We need to talk.
Me: We can’t, I promised my dad I’d stay away.
Logan: This isn’t fair.
Me: Please just focus on the tournament. I promised my father I wouldn’t intervene in your life right now. Please don’t make me a liar.
Logan: Okay
After his last reply, I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, even though I’m feeling restless.
I don’t mean to eavesdrop on my parents.
“I’m going to stay with Valentina out in California for a couple months,” Mama says.
“What? Why?” Papa asks.
“I need time. I want to get away. You’re always working and Alessa and Lili barely come home anymore. I have nothing, Mario. I’m lonely, and I’m sick and tired of feeling so empty. I’m going to book a flight for after spring break,” she says to him.
“You’re leaving me?” Papa asks, sounding offended.
“I don’t know if I can leave a man who is never really here,” she replies dryly.
A part of me is sad to hear my parents may be breaking up, but another part of me is proud of Mama for doing something for herself.
“I’ve worked hard for this family,” Papa retorts.
“Yes, you worked hard for this family, but you’re married to your job. You eat, sleep, and breathe for that team. Those championships and making NHL players are what keep you going. I want to have the same passion about something that you have about hockey. I’ve been speaking to Valentina. I can get a job out there and attend art classes,” she says to him.
“Don’t do this,” he pleads.
“It’s already done. We can tell the girls together when Alessa and Nigel come home. I don’t want to live like this anymore,” she admits to him.
My heart breaks for Mama and for Papa. I don’t think he means to be the way he is. However, like Mama said, he is married to his job and hockey is what keeps him going, not his family, even though I know he loves us in his own way. I hear their bedroom door close and the soft patter of steps passing my room. I know it’s Mama. Then I hear her heading downstairs and I hear the guest room door downstairs close. My parents are breaking up. My stomach turns but then I think back to my conversation with Papa earlier. This is a good thing. Mama is finally standing up for herself, and maybe I had some small part in giving her that confidence to take the next step. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring is a scary thought, I’m sure, but I’m happy she’s made the first move. I just hope the next ten days of the tournament go by fast because I need to talk to Logan. I don’t know where we stand or what he is thinking, but I know one thing. That guy got under my skin, and I don’t want to let him go any time soon.
FORTY
Logan
Coach Darren starts off the game with the fourth line, which isn’t unusual. By the end of the second period when he puts on his first line, which is supposed to include me, and switches me out with Leo—who is second line—I see red and look at Coach. Coach Darren shrugs. I look over to Coach Ramirez standing beside him.
“Sir, I thought you said I would be playing,” I say to him.
He chews the side of his lip. “And you will be.”
That’s all I get. To say I’m pissed is an understatement, but I know better than to call him out mid game when the focus needs to be on the ice. I sit back down and wait. By third period the score is two for us one for Brown. They aren’t the strongest team but every win here matters. I finally get called up with the second line. I don’t know what is happening because I never play with Levi as the forward or Rowan as the other wingman, but I stand ready to do my job.
Only this doesn’t feel right. We haven’t practiced this way. I don’t understand what my coaches are thinking. When I shoot Rowan a shot he can try to score on, he misses my pass, and when Levi swoops in and steals the puck from Brown and Rowan moves in to support him in case too many players are on his tail, I’m not sure what he is thinking. We haven’t practiced together, and everything feels off. By the end of the game, we win but I don’t feel victorious. This game has done shit all for my stats. I didn’t have any assists or goals and everything feels off. The next day we have a day off.