‘Come on then, Og-Grim-Dog,’ said Sandon. ‘No time to waste.’
AN OGRE IN COURT
Sandon led Og-Grim-Dog towards what he called the Old Town. The earliest buildings of Mer Khazer were situated here, most notably the church, an attractive wooden structure surrounded by a graveyard. A tree-lined path separated the graveyard from a row of terraced houses, and it was to one of these houses that the wizard headed.
He knocked on the door. On the wall next to it was a small plaque that simply read Agassi, Attorney at Law. ‘Oh, by the way,’ he said, as they waited for the door to be opened, ‘Mr Agassi is—’
The door opened. ‘A ghoul,’ said Mr Agassi.
Standing in the doorway was a rather startling figure. He was completely bald, making his head look like a skull. His ears stuck out, almost horizontally, and his eyes shone with a disturbing, green-tinged light. He was dressed very smartly, however, with a full suit and waistcoat, complete with silk tie and pocket square.
‘There are some who don’t like to be represented by a ghoul,’ he said, looking at Og-Grim-Dog with his strange eyes.
‘Well, given the nature of our business,’ said Og, ‘we can hardly object.’
Mr Agassi raised a hairless eyebrow at that, and then waved them into his small house. Og-Grim-Dog had to bend their body to get under the lintel. His front room was small and dark. Mr Agassi offered the ogre a rickety looking chair, but Og-Grim-Dog decided it was safer to sit on the floor. The lawyer sat at his desk, while Sandon took the passed over chair.
‘It’s a dispute with the Bureau of Dungeoneering,’ Sandon explained to Mr Agassi. ‘They won’t let Og-Grim-Dog register with them, on the basis that he’s an ogre. We rather wanted him to join our party.’
‘Discrimination!’ declared Og.
Mr Agassi pursed his thin lips. ‘The Bureau is a private organisation. There’s nothing illegal about them discriminating in such a way. But there may be other avenues we could investigate.’
‘Here,’ said Sandon, producing the parchment he had been given at the Bureau. ‘This is the constitution of the Bureau.’
Mr Agassi took the parchment and glanced at it. A little smile appeared on his face and his eyes lit up even brighter. ‘It’s always a good thing when a document is this long and complicated. More to work with. There’s a good chance I could find something. But we need to discuss terms.’
‘We don’t have much in the way of valuables,’ Grim said apologetically. ‘I’m not sure we can afford lawyer’s fees.’
Mr Agassi held his hand up. ‘Nonsense. I know what it is like to live on the edges of human society. I will take this case on—no win, no fee. If I successfully get you registered with the Bureau, I will take a cut of any treasure your party wins. How about that?’
Og-Grim-Dog turned to look at Sandon.
‘That sounds fair,’ said the wizard.
‘Excellent. I will peruse the document here and now. It shouldn’t take me long. I have been doing this for a few hundred years, after all. But let me get you something to eat while you wait.’
Mr Agassi got to his feet and left the room.
‘He’s very good,’ Sandon said reassuringly. ‘I’m sure he’ll find something.’
The ghoul soon returned with a meat platter, which he placed on his desk. ‘Please, help yourselves.’ He then settled back into his chair and began to study the document intensely, his spooky eyes poring over the words.
‘Thanks be to Lord Vyana and His Horde of Winged Hyenas, I’m famished,’ declared Dog. He grabbed a thick slab of juicy meat that made Grim’s mouth water.
Sandon shook his head, his eyes wide. DON’T EAT THE MEAT, he silently mouthed.
Dog tore into the joint and began making satisfied noises as he chewed and swallowed.
‘Oh, this is very good, Mr Agassi. What is it?’
‘Hmm?’ replied the ghoul, distracted from his reading. ‘Oh, that. Just a little something I dug up.’
‘Odd choice of words,’ Dog murmured to Grim. ‘Still, it’s very good. Here, try some.’
Og-Grim-Dog stood, along with everyone else, as the District Judge of Mer Khazer entered the room. She motioned everyone to sit, and Og-Grim-Dog carefully settled into their chair, next to their lawyer, who gave them a reassuring pat on the leg.
He knew it was silly, but Grim felt nervous about being in court. He peered behind him to the rows of wooden seats. His new friends responded with a few winks and thumbs up. Assata raised one arm and made a fist. It made him feel better to know they had some support.
‘We couldn’t have done better than Judge Julie,’ Mr Agassi whispered. ‘She’s not long out of law school but she’s already going places. Very fair. No nonsense.’
Indeed, the judge seemed keen to get on with things.
‘The plaintiff?’ she demanded, unable to hide a little look of surprise when she glanced at Og-Grim-Dog.
‘I am representing Mr Og-Grim-Dog,’ said Mr Agassi smoothly. ‘We are arguing that he has been incorrectly denied registration with the Bureau of Dungeoneering. He is merely seeking this ban to be revoked.’
‘Is it Mr or Messrs?’ asked the judge.
‘Ah, well, the strict identity of said ogre would be a far more convoluted issue to iron out, Your Honour, and with all due respect to the bench, might I suggest it is unnecessary for us to get stranded on those particular legal rocks when dealing with a simple case such as this?’
‘Agreed,’ said the judge. ‘The defendant? You are challenging the claim, I presume, Mr Sampras?’
Defending for the Bureau of Dungeoneering was a tall man of middle to late years who looked like he had been born in a suit. He was giving off a bit of lawyerly attitude, as if he was already bored of being here.
‘The constitution of the Bureau of Dungeoneering outlines its rules of membership. With respect, Your Honour, they are a private association, entitled to pass whatever membership rules they wish.’
‘Your Honour,’ said Mr Agassi. ‘We are contending that said rules were not properly applied.’
‘Then this court simply has to decide whether the rules were fairly implemented?’ asked the judge.
Both lawyers nodded their agreement.
The judge gave a sigh of relief. ‘Then let’s get this over with, gentlemen. There are other matters for this court to attend to, after all.’
‘May I get to the point directly?’ asked Mr Agassi. ‘I have read this document from beginning to end and nowhere, at all, does it even mention the words ogre or ogres.’
Gasps could be heard around the court.
‘Oh really, Agassi, that is quite misleading,’ said Sampras from the Bureau in a disappointed tone. ‘You must know that the rule of ejusdem generis applies here. Your Honour, may I read out loud the relevant passage?’
‘I think that would be most useful,’ said the judge.
‘Section Four, sub-section two reads as follows. ‘Goblins, orcs, trolls and other such monsters shall, under no condition, be admitted as members of the Bureau of Dungeoneering.’ Now, since I know that Your Honour is very well versed in the law, may I explain this for the benefit of everyone else in court, including perhaps for my learned friend Mr Agassi?’