‘Agreed,’ said the judge. ‘It is far from clear to me that Mr Og-Grim-Dog is banned from membership of the Bureau of Dungeoneering. I therefore rule that he has a right to registration. Thank you, everyone.’
The judge got to her feet, and everyone else in the room did the same. Once she left, there was a little cheer from Assata, Sandon and the others from the benches behind them. Agassi and Sampras shook hands, seemingly friendly enough.
‘Congratulations, Agassi,’ said Sampras. ‘And to you, Og-Grim-Dog. Happy adventuring.’
He offered his hand and Og took it in his.
‘Did we win then?’ Dog asked.
‘We did,’ said Mr Agassi. ‘I suggest you head over to the Bureau this very instant and get your name on the register. Before that constitution is changed.’
FORM ADC6
The elation of the court victory was short-lived for Og-Grim-Dog, since it meant a return to the offices of the Bureau of Dungeoneering.
There were forms to be filled in at the Registration desk, and then follow up forms at NHR. Once Og-Grim-Dog had become a fully-fledged member of the Bureau, they and their new friends had to present themselves at the Applications for Dungeon Crawls desk.
The clerk at the desk needed to give the party approval for each dungeon they wished to visit. Those that had been visited too frequently in recent weeks were forbidden to them. A lively conversation ensued over where they should go, this or that dungeon, and the best route to take. The clerk’s advice was soon ignored, as Gurin tried to dominate the decision-making process with reference to his vast experience; Assata stood firm against him; and Sandon took the role of sensible peacekeeper. Brother Kane smiled beatifically throughout, while Raya rolled her eyes at Og-Grim-Dog when she was sure no-one else was looking.
The clerk looked more than a little relieved when they had settled on a plan. It involved hitting six dungeons in a ten-day period, with the promise of significant opportunities for loot.
‘One final thing,’ he said, yet another form clutched in his tiny human hands. ‘Form ADC6. A new directive from the Bureau. We now need to record surnames and I must record a name for your party.’
A barrage of complaints hit him at this new imposition.
‘What if we don’t have surnames?’ Gurin demanded. ‘None of the best dungeon crawlers had surnames. Reginald Shit-Blood didn’t have a surname, did he?’
‘We will accept nicknames,’ said the clerk, which seemed to mollify things a little. He put his piece of paper onto the desk in front of him and handed a quill to Brother Kane, perhaps with the idea that he was the least likely to snap it in two.
In the left-hand column, the cleric wrote
Brother
and in the right-hand column
Kane
With a long-suffering look, the clerk invited Sandon next.
Sandon Branderson
Everyone gave the wizard a silent look.
‘Are you for real?’ Assata asked him.
‘What?’ he demanded.
‘Never mind. Hand me the quill. No-one gets to know my surname,’ she said.
Assata S
Raya Sunshine
‘My parents were hippies,’ said the elf apologetically. ‘Do you have a surname, Og-Grim-Dog?’
‘Hmm,’ pondered Og. ‘We have three names. Maybe we could put Dog as the surname?’
‘We’re not putting Dog as the surname,’ Dog retorted, though Grim wasn’t convinced Dog knew what he was objecting to. ‘Dog is my name.’
‘Well, what do people call you?’ Raya asked them kindly.
‘Oh, I see,’ said Og, carefully taking the quill in his huge hand.
Og Grim Dog. The Three Headed Ogre.
Og passed the quill down to the dwarf, who muttered darkly to himself before scrawling down his name.
Gurin Fuckaxe
‘What in hell?’ said Assata, shocked. ‘Fuckaxe? That’s just wrong, man. That’s dirty.’
‘Eh?’ said Gurin, bristling. ‘Not in that kind of way. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I fuck people up. With my axe.’
‘I’m really not sure you want that as your surname,’ said Raya in a concerned voice. ‘It just sounds indecent.’
The dwarf threw his hands in the air. ‘It’s done now, isn’t it? I’ve already written it.’
‘You could cross it out?’ Sandon suggested.
‘Well, I like it,’ said Dog. ‘“Fuck with me, and you get the axe.”’ He barked with laughter.
‘See, he gets it,’ said Gurin, stabbing his thumb at Dog. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here. I’m not wasting any more time on this nonsense.’
‘I still need a name for your party?’ the clerk dared to ask.
‘We’re called Team Shove It Up Your Ass,’ said Gurin.
They left the Applications for Dungeon Crawls desk, leaving behind a clerk clutching Form ADC6, a pitiful expression on his face.
The party of six were ready to go bright and early the next morning. All legal boxes had been ticked; all provisions bought and packed away in knapsacks. They strode through the streets of Mer Khazer and the people of the city applauded them. Sellers shouted out encouragement as they got their stalls ready for business. People on their way to work gave advice about where exactly Assata should stick her sword, or Og his pike.
It wasn’t just that Mer Khazer was an adventurer’s town—had been for years—and was therefore sympathetic to parties of adventurers. It was also that dungeoneers kept down the local populations of monsters, and the citizens were grateful for it. Last night, The Bollocks had been full of stories of orc bands roaming the countryside, causing mayhem. Such stories didn’t chime in with what Queen Krim had told them. Og-Grim-Dog would have to keep their eyes peeled if they were to learn the truth about what was going on.
But such thoughts were at the back of the ogre’s minds. Right now, they were experiencing a strange sensation.
‘Grim,’ said Og, putting a hand to his chest. ‘I have a warm feeling here.’
‘Me too.’
Literally, the same place. It wasn’t the first time that Grim suspected he shared a heart with his brother.
‘Are we heroes?’ asked Dog.
‘Maybe,’ said Grim. ‘Or perhaps we will be when we come back victorious. It’s a nice feeling, isn’t it?’
‘It sure is,’ said Og. ‘I can understand the attraction of adventuring now. Don’t get me wrong, staying underground in our cavern is good, too. But this is more—I don’t know.’
‘Fulfilling?’ Grim asked.
‘Yes,’ Og agreed. ‘That’s a good word for it.’
They left via the city gates and took the road north. Grim had been doubtful that all his companions would be able to walk at a decent pace, but he was proved wrong.
Assata and Gurin marched at the front, both seemingly under the impression that they were the one in charge. Raya walked some feet behind the rest of the group. At first, Grim took this for dawdling, but after a while he saw that she would take glances behind them, or veer away from the road a little way to stand atop a rise or hillock and look about.