“You owe me,” he added, hoping to persuade her. “I demand an audience with your leader.”
“How do I owe you? You are our prisoner.” Fina laughed again, and this time, it got under his skin.
“I saved your cat.” He’d come across the tiny kitten stuck in a tree while hiking through the jungle in search of these women. That was how Fina had managed to sneak up on him.
“I was teaching Zeus to hunt, as any good cat should know how to do. You interrupted us.”
“Hunt? In the jungle? It’s a house cat.” And where Fina had gotten a hold of one this far into the Amazon rainforest was anyone’s guess.
“It’s a warrior. Like me.” Her pink little lips made an angry pucker.
He chuckled, pleased to finally get a reaction from her that wasn’t laughter. “Love, you are no warrior. And trust me, I know—”
Before he could complete his sentence, Fina spit in her hand, crouched, and took his manhood in her palm. He felt his entire body recoil with fear and then…
Brutus groaned, falling into a state of quivers and ecstasy radiating from the tip of his cock, down the shaft, and out through his torso and limbs. Oh gods. Oh gods. What is she doing to me? He was at her mercy. Every ounce of his determination to complete his mission melted away beneath the expert strokes of her rough, strong, but petite little hand.
He clenched his eyes shut and made fists behind his back. I’m going to co—
“Oh, look. You’re all fixed now.” She smiled devilishly and withdrew her hand.
Brutus looked down to see all ten inches of “the General” standing at attention. “Don’t stop. Don’t sto—”
“He’s all yours, Helga.” Fina stood, turned, and disappeared into the jungle with a proud spring in her step. The echo of her laughter faded off in the distance.
He winced, looking up into Helga’s hungry gaze. Jesus, no.
“Well, well, I guess the man cow is ready for another milking.” Helga straddled his lap. “Now get moving and give me pleasure. I will stay here all night if I must.”
Dear gods. He’d better get this over with as quickly as possible. Perhaps they’d allow him one night of sleep. Just one. Then, tomorrow, he could figure out a new plan, including how to persuade Fina to give him an audience with her mother.
CHAPTER TWO
Zac, God of Temptation and the tiredest motherfucker on the planet, stood chained to a boulder in the world’s sparkliest cave, wondering how his existence had led him to this perplexingly bleak moment: Unicorn prisoner.
It seemed the Universe was on a crash course for revenge, repeatedly handing him one clusterfuck of a situation after another. Did the Universe have a bone to pick with him? All men? All incredibly handsome immortal men?
He didn’t know, but being a god, he sensed something in the air. A woman-scorned vibe.
Maybe that’s just the randy evil unicorn trying to give me a blowjob. He glanced down at two fiery eyes bobbing over his groin. Yep. Just two hovering eyes. The rest was invisible.
“Sorry, Minky, but it’s not going to work. You don’t even have a body, and if you did, my heart belongs to Tula. It will always belong to Tula.” Tula was the prim-and-proper assistant at their office, Immortal Matchmakers, Inc., where they were tasked with finding mates for even the most unlovable of immortals. Tula—a human—was unlike any being Zac had ever met, her heart made of pure goodness. So good, in fact, that every effort to tempt her—as was his role since he was the God of Temptation—into his arms had failed horribly. Total disaster. It wasn’t until he opened his heart to Tula for the right reason, love, that she finally gave in. It was the moment he realized she was his mate and the moment when the Universe began doing everything in her power to keep them apart.
Which was how he ended up here. Locked inside Minky’s private lair.
Minky growled out a string of mumbled words.
“Hey, don’t blame me,” he said. “It was your plan to trick me into being your man. And might I remind you, Minky, you were perfectly aware of my affections for Tula at the time. What were you thinking anyway, huh?” He had been trying to bring Tula back from…from…well, he wasn’t exactly sure. Tula had died during a very unfortunate boating incident, and not long after, her ghost began appearing to him and only him. But knowing that her spirit had not moved on from this world had convinced him he could bring her back. All he needed was her body. Her perfectly preserved body.
The problem was that an insane, horny, evil unicorn was in possession of said body. Minky ate it.
Which was how he’d become Minky’s sex pet. Minky had claimed she could reunite Tula’s spirit with her unicorn-preserved physical form. For a price. So, eager to be with the woman he loved, Zac had agreed blindly, unaware of the cost: Minky wanted him for herself. And, as anyone will tell you, a deal struck with a unicorn is unbreakable. Sneaky, dirty fucking unicorn! I will never love you!
Hovering over him, Minky rumbled and released a plume of fire.
“Yeah, well, too bad!” he barked. “I guess neither of us gets what we want, then. Oh, and by the way? You reneged on our deal. You were supposed to help get Tula back in her body, so I don’t feel one little crumb of remorse.”
Minky grumbled something about never specifically saying that she would help with that. She’d merely said she knew who could: Cimil, Goddess of the Underworld. Unfortunately, Cimil had been locked up by some very angry mermen. And by locked up, he meant that Cimil’d been thrown to the bottom of the ocean inside a barrel. Minky had said she knew how to get to Cimil; she’d said she could help him.
And now she claims otherwise? “That’s cheating. You know the agreement was to help bring Tula back. But you know what? That’s fine. Because…because…” He tried to imagine some sort of threat that would make Minky see how ridiculous this whole thing was. “Even if you try to set me free, I will refuse to leave you. Uh-huh.” He bobbed his head. “That’s right, Minky. A deal’s a deal! You wanted me and now you have me. Forever! Let’s see how you like being mated to a god who will never want you!”
Grumble, grumble.
He shrugged. “Nope. Sorry. No take-backs, Minky. You’re stuck with a man who hates your sparkly guts!”
Grumble, grumble.
“Well, you should have thought about that before. Tula still roams the earth as a spirit, and you still have her body. Yet here I am. Tied up in your rainbow-colored turd cave. I’d say that makes you a very evil unicorn—one I will never love or have sex with, so I hope you’re into squishy, flaccid bananas.”
Minky’s red eyes turned into swirly blue orbs of sadness and then faded, leaving him alone in the cave.
“Hey! Where the hell do you think you’re going, huh? Get back here!” Zac yelled. “Look at my limp, but very large, manhood. It’s like a flag on a windless afternoon! A deflated party balloon! A floppy garden hose! All for you, Minky! In your honor.” Zac waited for a response to his taunts, but the unicorn was gone.
Dammit, Minky. He needed to push her buttons so that she might stab him with her unihorn. He could not die, not in the human sense, but if his human form was destroyed, his spirit would be sent back to his realm. From there, he could attempt to contact one of his thirteen brethren—who likely had no clue he’d been taken—or he could take another trip through the portal and gain a new humanlike body. Either way, he’d be free of Minky and able to seek help. Someone had to know how to make this beast give up Tula’s sweet, petite little body.