Nevertheless, a tragedy was in the making. No men meant no babies. No babies meant the end was inevitable. There’d be no new warriors to take over when death finally caught up with them all. Immortal or not, no one truly lived forever.
Our own blind faith in Cimil will be our downfall.
Which led Fina to her final thoughts about tonight: Was Brutus truly the nail in their coffin, as Cimil had prophesied? “A male of unspeakable strength, beauty, and kindness will invade your lands and mark the beginning of the end.”
In her mind, the word of Cimil carried about as much weight as a gnat’s ass. Brutus was not here to bring about their destruction. And according to him, Cimil had actually sent him! To save them! He certainly was no destroyer of “their way.” Brutus exhibited signs of loyalty, sound-mindedness, and patience. The nonstop mounting was proof. Any other male would have taken his own life by now. But, Brutus, he hung in there. Or…stood in there? Anyway, he did whatever erect and very determined penises on a mission did.
I hope everyone listens to him tonight. If she was right, then he’d truly come with a message meant to foster their salvation.
Sadly, however, despite his motives, Fina knew her tribe would not forgo the cleansing ritual: Any male who stepped foot on their sacred female land had to be devoured in order to ensure their toxic man-juju was abated. She was among the youngest of the tribe, so they’d probably offer her the balls. She didn’t care how sacred this ritual was, she could never snack on a man’s undercarriage.
Mannibalism is gross.
But, alas, as future leader, she had to choose her battles. The survival of her tribe might very well rest on Brutus’s message. It was far more important that they listen to what he had to say. If he became stew afterward, it would be most regrettable, but not her biggest problem.
Fina shivered, visualizing Mittens, the village pet, picking Brutus’s bones clean. I am sorry, sweet kitten-rescuer, but I cannot save you.
CHAPTER SIX
Zac, God of Pure Fucking Pissed-Offness, cussed at the dripping ceiling of the sparkly cave. If he never met another unicorn for the duration of his existence, it would be too soon. Minky was a furry little bitch to leave him like this.
Alive, no less! She hadn’t even had the decency to murder him.
Now how will I get a new body? He needed to find Tula—or at least her spirit—and tell her he was okay and that, come underworld or high water, he would reunite her soul with her petite little body, which came equipped with every bump, bell, and whistle a guy like him appreciated, including big innocent blue eyes, a perky nose, and pouty lips. Tula was the first woman ever to light him up like a supernova on Earth’s birthday. Fireworks. That was what he saw when they kissed, when he touched her and held her. Not that they’d been intimate before, but he’d imagined it a thousand times.
Of course, if for some reason she couldn’t be reunited with her body, he’d take her just as she was. Hell, I wouldn’t be the first deity to fall for a ghost whose body is locked away inside an evil horny magical beast. All he wanted was to be with her.
Wait. Maybe that’s the loophole! He’d never told Minky he’d be faithful. He’d only said he’d pay whatever price to free Cimil—the only one who supposedly knew how to reunite Tula with her preserved body. Minky had then said, “The price is you. I want you.” But Zac had never told Minky he’d be exclusive or even have sex with her, so if that meant the three of them had to become a trio, so be it. Minky would learn what it felt like to be unloved, rejected, and hated even. Perhaps she would move on. If it took a millennium, he didn’t care.
“Oh, Tula,” he sighed, “I can put up with anything except an existence without you.”
“Zac? Zac! Are you here?” called out a small female voice.
“Tula?” Could it be her?
“Yes! Zac! Ohmygod!”
Before he could blink, Tula’s small form appeared before him, her pale cheeks stained with tears.
“I thought I’d never find you.” She covered her mouth and began hiccupping.
He hated to see his mate cry. “Ssssh now. I am here, my love.”
“I-I-I have been to every despicable place I could think of where a unicorn might hide a sex slave: brothel, kink bar, M&M club.”
“You mean S&M?”
“No. I mean a place where unicorns go to swap the M&M colors they don’t like. It’s a thing.”
It was? “How did you find me here?”
“I once read an article on the internet about the sparkliest places on the planet. This exact cave came up as number two hundred and three on the list. It was referenced in some ancient hieroglyphics on Narmer’s temple.”
Narmer was an Egyptian pharaoh turned vampire. Today, better known as Roberto, Cimil’s husband. Minky, Roberto, and Cimil had a long history.
Wow. Did Tula have a memory or what? But Zac always said she was smart. She fell in love with me, didn’t she?
“You are indeed the smartest woman I have ever met, Tula.” He glowed with pride.
She lunged forward to kiss him but fell through his body into the boulder, where he was bound with supernaturally sturdy chains.
He winced, hearing her whimper. “Are you all right?”
Tula’s tiny head popped out of his chest.
He yelped. “Gods, woman! Don’t do that.”
“Sorry!” Tula righted herself and stood in front of him again in her orange muumuu. Very sexy. He liked a conservative woman who hid everything—made it so much more fun to tempt them. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I am a god. Nothing scares me. Except unicorns.”
“Ditto.”
“Speaking of,” he said, “we must hurry before Minky returns. I need you to end this body.”
Tula stared up at him in wonder. “But why?”
“I will be sent back to my world, get a new one. From there, I will go to my brethren and tell them what Minky has done. We will force Cimil to step in and make her stupid pet give you your body back.”
Tula’s tiny little mouth twisted.
“What? It is an excellent plan. Also, if Cimil refuses, I’ve already decided that Minky cannot stop us from being together. Let her watch our love from the sidelines. I call it my Third Wheel plan.”
“It’s just that while you’ve been away, things have gotten worse.” Tula went on to explain that the plague situation was spiraling out of control, spreading to just about every single immortal on the planet. “Zac, as much as I love you and want my body back, your brethren need you right now. Humanity needs you.”
Dammit. She was right. Was an awesome god’s work ever done?
“Very well.” He sighed. “I will do my duty, but after that, my attention will go to you and only you.” There had to be a way to get Minky to cough up that body. “Now, if you don’t mind, could you collapse the ceiling? I need to die and get out of here.”
“But I can’t move anything solid.”
“That is why we are in luck; this cave is one giant unicorn toilet. Very magical.”
“Sorry?” Tula blinked her wide blue eyes with confusion.
“This is Minky’s bathroom. All those sparkly rocks are made of her crap.” His eyes swept the cave, which was filled with huge colorful crystals that coated every inch of the place.