“Ewww! Really?”
“Yes. Really.” He’d personally watched Minky crap a few times. What killed him was that humans loved to eat this shit. And unicorn snot, boogers, loogies, dingleberries. He’d seen it all for sale on Amazon. They had some strange obsession. He’d even seen canned unicorn farts. So nasty.
“Wow. Minky must be really bonkers if she wanted to keep you here.”
He shrugged. “I’ve been in worse places. Like Cimil’s basement.”
Tula’s face contorted.
Ah. See. Tula knew. Cimil had actually hired Tula to work at Immortal Matchmakers, Inc., a dating agency he had been forced to open with Cimil after being banished to the human world. Personally, he never felt like his offense of falling in love with his brother’s woman, and maybe trying to steal her way, was anything close to the things Cimil had done—a list too long to mention—however, had he not been banished to play matchmaker, he would not have met Tula, his true mate. Tula had captivated him from day one, and from that point on, it became his quest to be a worthy god she could love. Winning!
“So you think I can get the ceiling to crack?” Tula stared up at the enormous dome laden with large multicolored crystals of crap.
“It is worth a try.”
“Wow. How does she get her poop all the way up there? And why’s it so many colors?” She shook her head. “Never mind. I don’t really want to know.”
“Good choice.”
“If I get the ceiling to collapse, where will I find you?”
It would take Zac three or four days to get a new body and travel through the cenote—an underground spring found deep in the Yucatan jungle, used by the gods as a portal between this world and theirs. Once back in the human realm, he’d have to hike to the nearest Uchben base and catch a plane ride to Sedona, where the gods were undoubtedly coordinating efforts to deal with this plague of evil immortals.
I wonder how their matchmaking efforts are coming along. After all, love was the only cure to what ailed the immortal community.
He was almost tempted to go home, straight to LA first. His laptop was there in the office along with all of the client files. He might have better luck matching people if he had everything he needed.
I wish it weren’t such a slow process sorting through all of the profiles and trying to pair them up with someone who shares similar interests. Then there was the lack of females in general. Of course, nowadays, many immortals were hooking up with humans. Like with him and Tula.
Wait! I have an idea. I know how to get everyone mated up. Why had he never thought of this before? The solution to this entire mess, the overnight cure, had been staring him in the face the entire time.
He looked down at his beloved mate. “Head straight to Immortal Matchmakers, Inc., and start going through the files. Make sure everyone is loaded into the system. Oh, wait. Never mind. You can’t actually lift and open the files. Just meet me there in the office.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because Zac is officially now the God of Matchmaking, and he’s open for business.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Brutus watched the team of “official bathers” exit Fina’s hut. No doubt about it, this tribe had some very peculiar rituals. But why they had to shave off his body hair in order for him to speak to the leader tonight, he’d never understand. They’d even shaved his balls. He’d never felt so weirded out. Or had such soft skin. The only thing they left was his facial hair, now a short black beard, and the hair atop his head—a closely cropped crew cut. Then they’d proceeded to bathe him with an odd soap that smelled of sage and rosemary. Finally, they’d oiled him down with sea salt and coconut butter.
“What? Are you going to let me talk to your leader or serve me to her as supper?” he’d asked.
The ladies had burst out laughing.
I guess they think their little customs are a bit extreme, too.
Now wearing a skirt made of banana leaves strung together on a piece of twine, he was ready for his grand shiny, oily entrance.
Through the spaces of the bamboo door in Fina’s hut, he noted a bonfire blazing down on the beach, and the night air was filled with hurrahs and cheers.
I guess these women know how to party. Brutus heard footsteps approaching and glanced down at the little kitten, who was meowing like crazy. “Well, wish me luck, little guy.”
The door opened and Zeus bolted.
“Hey!” Fina yelled. “Get back here!”
But the tiny cat disappeared into the shadows.
“Do not fret,” said Brutus. “I will help you look for him after I see your mother. And don’t you look nice.”
Fina wore her long dark hair up in a messy bun and had on a black suede bikini. “Um. Thank you,” she said with a stiffness in her tone.
Was she nervous about the outcome of this evening?
“Do not fret, Fina. I am a man of few words, but I can make your mother hear me. Your people’s survival depends on it, and I have yet to ever fail a mission.”
Fina’s dark eyes turned glossy.
Oh, look. She’s overwhelmed by my chivalry and dedication to her people’s well-being. He reached out and grabbed her shoulder. “No need to thank me. Saving others is what I do.”
Fina frowned, the corners of her mouth pulling down. “No, you idiot. It’s not that.”
“No need for name-calling. Tell me what worries you. I’m sure I can fix it.”
She shook her head. “It’s just that…that…well, you’re a very beautiful man and…”
Was the little warrior woman blushing? How sweet. “And?”
She straightened her spine and gave her head a vigorous shake. “Never mind. It’s all going to be fine.” She turned and started walking away, her curvy ass wiggling with a delightful rhythm.
Could stare at that all day. He especially loved her wide hips in that tiny suede bikini.
“Come on,” she yelled. “Don’t want to keep them waiting.”
A peculiar woman, this Fina. Mean to the core one moment and positively weepy the next. Must be that time of the month. Thank the gods I do not have to deal with such things with my men. Their equivalent to a period was when they went more than four weeks without getting laid. So irritable and snacky.
He followed Fina out of the small garden and down the sandy trail to the beach, where approximately a hundred golden-haired females stood in various forms of dress. Some wore only little skirts made of hides, and some wore suede outfits like Fina’s. Honestly, if he weren’t so irritated by how they’d all used him for such vigorous sex, he would say they were some of the loveliest females on the planet.
Fina, the only dark-haired beauty among them, stopped beside the enormous bonfire and pointed to the ground. “Kneel,” she commanded him.
He came up in front of her and frowned. Though he considered her to be “little” due to the fact he was twice her size when it came to muscles and torso girth, he was actually only a few inches taller. These women could easily form their own basketball team.
“No,” he said sternly, “I will not kneel.”
The women gathered around and snickered.
Fina’s tanned face turned an angry red. “I said kneel.”