He didn’t look at me. But he knew I was there.
I tried to find the right words to say what it was I felt.
I said, “I want you to give me the bite.”
And Joe said, “No.”
The room was quiet after that for a long time.
Finally, I said, “It’s my choice, Joe.”
“I know,” he said, looking at me, eyes clearing even as I watched.
“And I’m the one making this choice.”
“I know.”
“I want this.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t before. Yesterday. Last week.”
“Things were different. Yesterday. And last week. And all those years ago when Thomas offered it to me to begin with.”
“When?”
I blinked. “When what.”
He looked tired. “When did my dad offer you the bite?”
“He told me I could take it when I turned eighteen.”
“He did?”
“You sound surprised.”
Joe rubbed a hand over his face. “I am. I mean—I knew he must have done it. At some point. I just didn’t know when.”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“Why would he have? It wasn’t about me.”
“Wasn’t it, though?”
“I don’t see how—”
“It was. Joe, all of this is about you. That’s what I am. That’s all I am now.” Because I didn’t think I was anyone’s son anymore. I didn’t know if someone could be considered an orphan at the age of twenty-three. If they could, then that’s what I was.
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“Why?”
For a moment, I didn’t know how to answer. But then I remembered something Thomas had told me once. “I didn’t have to be something different to be in your pack. To belong with all of you. Thomas said I was good enough just as I was. And I think I needed to see that before I became something different.”
“And have you?” he asked.
I scowled at him. “That’s not the point.”
“I’m not going to bite you, Ox.”
“That’s it, then? Because you said so, that’s the way it’s going to be.”
“I am the Al—”
“That doesn’t work with me,” I retorted. “You should know that better than anyone. I don’t give a damn what color your eyes are. You’re Joe, okay? So don’t you dare try to pull that bullshit on me.”
“I’m leaving.”
Now I was just getting pissed off. “Even more reason for me to take the bite. So I can do what I can while you’re off doing whatever the fuck you’re going to be doing.”
“Ox. We’re leaving tomorrow.”
Was he trying to hurt me more? “I know.”
He shook his head. “I can’t leave a newly bitten wolf, especially one of my own. If you ever take the bite, you’ll need your Alpha near to help you through your first full moon. I can’t do that for you if I’ll be gone. You saw how bad it was for me when I first changed. And my father was already there.”
“All the more reason to take me with you.”
His nostrils flared, and I swore for a moment that I saw his lip tremble. “You know I can’t.”
“Fuck your can’t,” I growled at him. “You’re doing everything possible to make sure this goes exactly the way you want it to. And since when do we keep secrets from each other? Anything else you aren’t telling me? Anything else you all decided on for me? Please, Joe. Tell me. Tell me how things should be for me from now on. Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t expect you to understand—”
“Because I don’t. It sucks, Joe. It fucking sucks. My mom is gone. Your dad is gone. And now you’re trying to take away yourself too? What the fuck do you think you’re doing to me?”
His eyes were wet, cheeks flushed. “It’s not all about you—”
“He killed my mother!” I bellowed at him. “That fucking makes it about me!”
He was crying now. Joe was crying and I hated it. Oh god, how I loathed it. To see him with tears on his face, to see him be the seventeen-year-old kid I knew he was, the kid who was supposed to be happy and going on dates. The kid who deserved everything good after the hell he’d gone through at the hands of a monster. The kid who shouldn’t have had to worry about being the Alpha yet, or carrying the weight of a pack on his shoulders. He was just a kid, for Christ’s sake.
And I wasn’t helping. I was hurting him because I hurt. Because I was a little bit dead inside.
“You can’t leave,” I said, voice broken. “You can’t leave me, Joe.”
“You think I want to?” he cried. “You think I want this? Ox, I never want to be away from you. I never want to be apart from you. I never want to be anywhere that you aren’t. You are everything to me. When I saw you, when y-you were with my d-d-dad and that man, I was never so scared in my life. Okay? Do you get that? He took me. He hurt me. For weeks. But the worst moment of my life was when I thought he was going to hurt you. So you will fucking stay here! You’ll fucking d-do what I say, because I can’t lose you. Ox, I can’t. Not you. Not you too.”
He was sobbing by the time he’d finished. Joe, the Alpha werewolf, was weeping at the thought of something happening to me.
I could take many things.
I wasn’t weak.
I was strong, most of the time.
The pack had made me that way.
But the sight of Joe like this… I just.
I just couldn’t anymore.
I was on the other side of the desk even before I thought about it.
I gathered him up as best I could, and he fit against me so right, it was like he was a little tornado again, and I was just some big dumb Ox who didn’t know what it meant to belong to someone.
I felt the power in him, yes.
I felt the pull of him, oh yes.
But he was just Joe.
And I was just Ox.
And maybe my father was wrong when he said that men didn’t cry. Sure, people gave me shit just like he said, but I knew I was a man. And I cried right along with Joe. Because everything was falling apart and I didn’t know how to stop it.
WE LAY in his bed on our sides toward each other, knees knocking together, faces inches apart. The room was dark. His eyes were bright and his breath on my face was warm. I didn’t know what time it was, but knew it had to be late. And I also knew that if I fell asleep, Joe would be gone by the time I woke.
I had to fight it.
For as long as I could.
Because I couldn’t bear the thought of waking alone.
He watched me, and I felt the pulse of something between us, whatever fledgling bond that was there. Not the bond of an Alpha to his pack. But the bond between mates. I wanted to hold on to that thread as long as I possibly could, because the thought of it being gone when I woke terrified me.
He reached up and traced his fingers over my eyebrows. My cheeks. My nose. My lips. I pressed a gentle kiss against his fingertips. He sighed and his eyes fluttered shut.
“This sucks.”