This was a lot to take in, to process. Her mind spun, but Renna settled on a safe question. “Did you ever hear from Bryant again?”
“Yes. There were letters.”
“What letters?”
“Cypress helped Bryant get letters to me.” She flashed a small, grateful look at Cypress standing at the foot of the bed. “Bryant still loved me, but his brother had died. His family wanted him to be the next king, whether he liked it or not. We couldn’t run away together. We were both married, and he was about to have a child.”
Seran, Renna thought.
“So we wrote to each other, year after year, and hoped that one day we would be together again.”
“Did Dad know about the letters?” Renna asked curtly.
“I believe he did,” Mariele admitted. “But he never said anything to me about it.”
“Why him?” Renna asked, her words clipped. “Did King Dayton just choose my father randomly from a regiment of soldiers?”
“Your father volunteered. Kimball insisted that it was an honor to serve his country this way.”
“I don’t understand.” Renna shook her head, her voice rising slightly. “Why would he do that? Why would he sacrifice his entire life for you?”
“He . . .” Mariele faltered, tears slowly falling from her eyes. “He was Bryant’s friend, and . . . and mine. He wanted to help us.”
Renna’s thoughts whirled. She thought back on her father, how she watched him care for her mother over the years, how he comforted and quieted her during her anxious fits and silently carried her responsibilities when she fell into gloom. Years of this, and all because he wanted to help?
There had to be more. “Was he in love with you?”
Mariele didn’t answer, but the guilt in her eyes told Renna everything. Her father had married a woman he loved to save her, hoping she would love him one day, too. But she never had. Renna breathed in sharply as a stab of pain pierced her heart.
“Renna.” Mariele shifted and reached for her hand, squeezing it earnestly. Renna let her but didn’t squeeze back. “Your father was an incredible man. I appreciated him, I respected him—”
“But you didn’t love him.” A stray tear trickled down Renna’s face—unnoticed and unwanted.
“I loved him with all I had left to give.” Mariele squeezed Renna’s hand again, pleading.
Renna pulled her hand away. “So I guess everything worked out nicely when Dad died.” Renna couldn’t keep the bitterness from her voice.
“That’s not fair.” Her mother’s eyes flickered to hers.
Renna raised her eyebrows in skepticism.
Mariele’s brows narrowed. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for the way I treated your father, but you could try to see things from my perspective. I was heartbroken and miserable for years. I wasn’t good enough for Bryant, I wasn’t the wife your father hoped I would be, and I wasn’t the mother you needed. I was never enough, and I had to face that every day.”
“You don’t have to tell me. My whole childhood revolved around your misery.”
“Yes, I made a mess of things. I put my love for Bryant over everything else in my life, but my circumstances were difficult. I was devoted to Bryant for almost three years before they married me off to your father. How could I ever be expected to love Kimball?”
Renna stared blankly at her mother. Kimball Degray was the best man Renna had ever known. “He loved you,” she whispered, feeling a piece of her sadness for her father drop with a tear. “Why did you treat him so badly? Why couldn’t you love him back?”
“Your father knew what he was signing up for. He knew I loved Bryant.” Mariele’s voice was rising, her words coming out in heavy breaths. “You judge me, yet you are doing the exact same thing I did. Sneaking around with Prince Ezra behind everyone’s backs. But what you’re doing is worse. The prince is already promised to Seran.”
“I’m not sneaking around with Prince Ezra,” Renna said, her defenses rising.
“You’re going to ruin everything!” her mother practically shouted in a haze of panic. “Seran will be furious. I’ll lose Bryant again.”
Cypress rushed to her side, a pill and a cup of water in her hands. “Here. Take this, my lady.”
Mariele’s shaky hand brought the cup to her mouth, letting the water wash the pill away. It wouldn’t take long for the pill to work its magic, and Renna’s mother would be lost to oblivion.
“They said I wasn’t good enough for Bryant. They sent me away.” Her mother’s voice sounded thick like she had to dig the words from tar at the back of her throat. Her eyelids flopped closed. “You’re not good enough for Prince Ezra. We need to send you away.”
“Mom!” Renna wasn’t done talking. “Mom!”
“Not good enough for the prince . . .” her mother whispered before finally letting the drug take her.
“Why did you give her that?” Renna snapped at Cypress.
Cypress glared at her. “Can’t you see what your actions have done to her? She’s having another one of her episodes, thanks to you! My job is to protect the queen. Her nerves needed to rest.” Renna watched as Cypress dramatically threw a blanket over her mother. “You’ve gone too far this time, Renna, trying to get the prince to fall in love with you. You are just like your father, pining after something that isn’t yours!”
So many emotions tumbled around inside of Renna, but anger presented itself first. “How dare you talk about my father. You think because you bring my mother her tea every day that you know all about my parents and their relationship, but you don’t.”
Renna stood, towering over Cypress’s shrinking body.
“I don’t have to answer to you for anything. If my mother wants to see me, she can find me when she wakes up. That is, if you ever stop drugging her.” Renna slammed the door behind her as she left.
Her body slid against the door until it hit the ground. Tears fell freely as her head dropped between her knees. The pieces of her life fit together now, but it was no consolation. She cried for her father, for his hope of a love that was never returned. She cried for her mother’s broken heart and her years of misery and loneliness. And she cried for herself—for the lies told to her and the lies she had told herself.
28
Renna
Applause echoed across the palace’s Great Hall, jarring Renna from her thoughts as the audience stood from their chairs to pay respect to the evening’s entertainment. Clapping her hands unconsciously, she looked around at the performers. They were bowing in appreciation. Renna had managed to zone out during the night’s entire musical performance. Actually, she had zoned out during all of dinner as well.
Queen Mariele had missed dinner altogether. Renna made her excuses, telling the king her mother wasn’t feeling well. Renna wondered what had upset her mother the most—the fact that she had feelings for Trev or that her mother had finally had to reveal her dirty secrets. Eventually, Renna would forgive her mother, but for now, she was grateful for her absence. She needed space and time to sort through her own feelings of betrayal and anger.