Drake stood. “I hope you change your mind. I know you miss Renna, and I hate to see you so unhappy.”
Trev shrugged. He wasn’t going to change his mind no matter how much he missed Renna, even if it was every second of every day.
When Trev didn’t answer, Drake stood to leave. “You should write to her.”
Trev tossed and turned in his bed that night. So many things had happened in the last few months. Big things he wished he could talk to Renna about, but he couldn’t. There was no future for them. Trev’s guilt, his shame, his errors would always be in the way. But none of that stopped his mind from racing with words he’d never get the chance to say. All those words had been keeping him up night after night.
He threw off his covers and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from his drawer. He would write a letter.
Renna would never read it because he would never send it, but maybe the writing of it would be enough.
To the lovely Renna,
I’ve thought for weeks about what I would say to you if I saw you. The words take up space in my mind, making it hard for me to think or even sleep. There are so many things I want to tell you. I’ve decided to keep a list of all the things I would say if you were here, if I could talk to you every day.
1. I miss you.
2. I feel like I killed Seran.
3. Tybolt shaved his beard. Shocking, I know!
4. Transportation. You were right. Every working-class person I’ve asked wants an easier way to get around. Bicycles, transporters, you name it. They just want to be able to go places quicker.
5. Dara, the horse, misses you. I miss you.
6. While I was on the campaign tour, someone locked the door to the roof of the palace, and no one can seem to find the key to open it for me. I’m livid.
7. The wedding ceremony.
8. Joniss was the informer. How did I not see that sooner?
9. Joniss kidnapped those girls from Axville. I don’t even know what to say about that. I’m just glad they’re back home.
10. There’s snow on top of the mountains. You would love it.
11. Your mom and King Bryant really love each other. When Seran died, I found myself envying them—how they had each other to lean on. I’ll always be jealous of anyone that gets to be with the person they love.
Trev’s eyes started to get heavy. It felt good to get some of his thoughts out on paper, so they didn’t run a marathon in his mind all night long. He climbed into bed and eased into a heavy sleep for the first time in months.
Writing to Renna became a ritual on the nights Trev couldn’t sleep. Sometimes even during the day, he would think about what he was going to add to his list that night.
12. I’m sick of only the ruling class wearing colored clothes. It’s stupid.
13. It’s freezing outside. I’ve never been so cold in my life.
14. I had a wedding present for Seran. It was silly, a figurine that Crosby picked out. I’m not sure what to do with it now. It’s on my dresser, taunting me.
15. Yesterday I went to the artifact room to look at the magazine picture of the girl in the red dress. I may or may not have used my thumb to cover her face so I could picture you. I know. I’m pathetic.
16. My father is in a terrible mood (more than usual). I think he’s throwing a tantrum because he’s about to lose his role as king.
17. Sometimes I daydream about all of your different expressions. I think my favorite one is the look you get on your face when you are nervous—when I make you nervous because I’ve come too close.
18. I beat Drake in a fight a couple of days ago for real. At least I think I beat him. On second thought, he probably let me win like he always does.
19. I got a new suit for the election. Blue, of course.
20. I moved Colter’s family into a real house with more land. Now they can plant better crops and live off of that money. Don’t worry, though, I’ll still check in on them.
21. I feel bad that I didn’t attend Seran’s funeral. Somehow, that doesn’t seem very kind of me, even though everyone told me I needed to stay in Albion.
22. Drake keeps mentioning Lizanne in conversations—casually as if I wouldn’t notice he keeps bringing her up. Did you know there was a connection there? I didn’t.
23. Crosby wants to start planning my “victory party” for after I win the election. It seems a little presumptuous, don’t you think? Especially after everything that has happened.
24. You would be scared if you knew how much you were on my mind—borderline stalker-ish.
59
Trev
25. I won the election. Not really a big surprise since Joniss, the only other candidate, is in prison.
26. I’m thinking of changing my name. King Ezra sounds weird.
27. Our kiss . . . can we just talk for a minute about how mind-blowing it was? My heart still races when I think about it.
28. Are you somewhere missing me too?
29. Do you think I would have beat Joniss in the election? I’ll never know, and that bugs me.
30. I was sworn in as king today. Crosby’s kind of a big deal now. I’ll try not to let it go to his head.
31. It’s weird. I always pictured myself getting sworn in with Seran by my side. She was a faceless person when I thought about it before I knew her. I felt sad today when I stood there all alone. She should have been by my side.
32. Tybolt is growing his beard back out again. Probably a good choice.
33. You don’t know this, but I chose you. I was going to leave this all behind for you. The words were about to roll off my tongue when everything . . .
34. Joniss and his father were executed today. I thought I would be happy, thought I wanted justice, but instead, I feel empty.
35. I just ate ten chocolates. I feel sick. I must be depressed.
36. New Year’s Eve . . . the loneliest night of the year.
37. I cried the other night. Did you know I cry sometimes? Only manly tears, of course.
38. I made my father move out to the Trevenna lodge in the mountains. It was a huge fight, and I can’t believe he actually left. I guess I really am in charge now. It’s kind of great to have him gone.
39. No one ever thinks about the meetings. Being king means going to a lot of meetings.
40. Will it ever be warm again? I’m starting to doubt it.
41. I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Do you think I’m good looking?
42. Drake wants to come to New Hope with me for the Council of Essentials. He says it’s not to see Lizanne. Sounds suspicious.
43. I’ve been growing my hair out. I think you’d like it. Who doesn’t like more curls?
44. Packing for the Council of Essentials. Should I go with the red or yellow tie?
45. I ate a cinnamon roll today and thought of you. The roll was delicious in case you were wondering.
46. I can’t sleep. We drove past Wellenbreck Farm, and I didn’t stop. I told them not to stop. I hate myself.
47. It’s getting warmer the closer we get to the New Hope Government Center. Why do I live in the mountains?
48. I just saw a cactus. I’ve never seen one before. I made them stop the transporter so I could get out and see it.