Sophia’s encounter notwithstanding, it was shaping up to be a good October for both the stables he managed. If he could keep his jockeys and his horses healthy and avoid angering the Jockey Club, the next two meetings would be profitable.
Yet every night he paced his cottage. One wall to the other and back again. He couldn’t understand why Oliver gave in to the action so often. It wasn’t at all beneficial.
With the quiet of the night pressing in on him, he recalled that last image of his father. Angry. Bitter. Ready to confront his sons for simply existing in the same room.
Aaron didn’t want to be like that.
He plopped down in a kitchen chair and laid his Bible on the table in front of him. If his normal method of barreling through and making do wasn’t going to fix this, he’d try something else.
He would try . . . talking.
“Hello, God.”
Aaron growled and pushed himself up from the table. “This is ridiculous.”
What was God really going to change for him? He had a steady income, loyal friends, and work he enjoyed. It was more than a lot of other people had and probably more than he deserved. What did he have the right to ask God for?
The bottom dropped out of his anger, and he collapsed back into the chair.
If he had nothing to ask for, was his life really lacking? He’d always seen himself as having less because he couldn’t claim life the way his friends did. Yet he had everything he’d ever wanted, everything he’d ever been willing to allow in.
Perhaps what he needed to ask God for was a little perspective.
He looked down at the Bible.
Or maybe it wasn’t about asking God for anything. Maybe Aaron just needed to talk to Him.
He adjusted himself in the chair, gaze fixed on the Bible, half expecting to hear a booming voice uttering divine prophesies. When that didn’t happen, he flipped it open. It landed in Psalms. He’d always found David interesting. A younger son of a shepherd usurping the king, running and hiding because Saul wanted him dead.
“I don’t think my father is a happy man.”
Aaron blinked. That had not been what he thought he’d say. Sure, he’d been thinking a lot about what the marquis’s storming out of the ballroom meant, but it all boiled down to the fact that Lord Lindbury was not a happy man. He was a tortured one.
“What would make him like that?” Aaron ran a hand over his face. “He was the one who put us in this position. He sent me to school. He acknowledged me in public. He forced his peers to accept me.”
But weren’t those the best things he could have done for Aaron, aside from marrying his mother? The marquis may have placed Aaron in a hole, but he’d also given him a ladder. Wallowing in the mud had been Aaron’s choice.
Aaron sat back in the chair and drummed his fingers on the tabletop.
Was that why the other man was angry every time he saw Aaron? The idea seemed to give the man far more credit than he deserved, but why did Aaron need to know anyway? He was sabotaging his own life to punish a man who may not even care.
His eyes drifted to the Bible. “That’s quite the revelation, Lord. Got anything else for me?”
AARON SAT IN the shadows at the back of the church while Oliver married Lady Rebecca. Several other attendees sat closer to the front, including Oliver’s father. If the earl knew about Sophia, he was obviously satisfied that all had been handled, since he’d given Aaron no more than his customary nod of greeting.
Soon a large group would gather at Meadowland Park to celebrate the wedding breakfast. Lord and Lady Gliddon were not going to miss this opportunity to impress everyone in the horse-racing world.
He was the first to leave the church and the last to arrive at the house, but as soon as he walked in, Oliver caught his eye and they exchanged smiles and nods.
Then Aaron found himself another corner.
Aside from the fact that there were plenty of people in this room who would rather not socialize with him away from the track, he just didn’t feel the need or desire to mingle. Being on the fringe was comfortable.
Besides, Oliver knew he was here, and that was all that mattered. Graham and Kit circled by his corner on occasion, but they both enjoyed people too much to stay. Aaron was content holding up a wall and watching the goings-on while everyone ignored him.
Everyone except Miss Hancock.
If women were mysteries, the one walking toward him was a full-blown enigma. She dipped in and out of society at will and considered the social rules to be mere suggestions.
And everyone let her get away with it.
“Do you always celebrate in the corner?” she asked.
“It suits me.” He’d spent more than one night this past week sitting at his kitchen table with an open Bible in front of him, and he’d come to the conclusion that there was comfort in knowing one’s place. His was with the horses and with his friends, so he ignored everyone else.
As far as mottos went, it was a work in progress.
“With the wars over, it’s safe to travel again. Do you know if they’ve arranged a wedding trip?”
Even if he did, he wouldn’t tell her. He wouldn’t tell anybody. It wasn’t his information to share.
“I’m considering traveling again.”
Lack of response was not an effective deterrent for some people.
“It’s not fun to travel alone.”
If she even hinted that Aaron might want to be her companion, he was leaving this party and refusing to set foot in any home she was in ever again.
“I thought it might be nice to see the French countryside on horseback. Better views than from inside a coach.”
That was why Aaron, Graham, and Oliver had done their tours in a saddle. He’d made it this long without responding to her, and he wouldn’t give in now.
“My riding is mediocre at best, though.” She frowned. “I wonder if Mrs. Carlton’s School would allow me to train there if I made a donation. I must say, Miss Fitzroy was the best female rider I’ve ever seen, and I do like to have the best in my life.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Aaron bit out, the mention of Sophia breaking through the last of his patience.
“Because, in my opinion, which I value rather highly, people in love are stupid.”
“I’m not in love.”
“No,” she sighed. “But you could have been. And there is something to be pitied about a man who avoids even the chance. Oh look, they’re bringing out more bacon.”
As she strode back toward the food, Aaron moved to the exit. His duty had been fulfilled. There were horses to be seen to, an open Heath to be galloped across. Maybe if he went fast enough, he could outrun Miss Hancock’s words.
Thirty-Five
What did it mean when you got everything you wanted but you still weren’t happy?
Sophia smiled on, even though her cheeks hurt and her heart wasn’t in it. It wasn’t her student’s fault that her mind and her life were muddled.
When the girl went a full round with her back straight, her skirts properly draped, and the horse in complete control, Sophia congratulated her and ended the lesson. After three weeks, Sophia was coming to understand why Mrs. Carlton had been unsure of her presence.
There wasn’t a need for her here. Nor was there any challenge to distract her from the realization that this was one more road that wouldn’t lead to the recognition she needed to start a school.