“Stopped rebelling?”
“Stopped caring. At the end of my life, I won’t answer to Lord Lindbury and neither will you.”
Aaron filled the pot again and placed it on top of the cookstove. “You’ve got it figured out then, have you?”
Shaking his head, Rigsby laughed. “Hardly. That’s why I was in London a few weeks ago. No matter how many times I tell myself it is more important to be a man God would be proud of, I keep going back. And I keep getting disappointed.”
“What are you wanting?”
“I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I sought you out. I’m hoping I’ll see what I’ve been missing.”
“Is it working?”
“No.”
A slow ripple crossed the surface of the water as it began to heat. “I don’t know what it was like growing up in that house with Lord Lindbury, and I don’t think I want to know.” Aaron glanced around the room. He would never see this place the same way again. “You don’t want to know what it was really like in that cottage either.”
Aaron’s gaze fell once more on the open Bible. “Neither of us is going to be the man we want to be if we hold on to the past.”
Maybe there was something to this idea of talking things through, because all of a sudden it made sense. God did not define people by their birth but by their hearts. When a man entered into a relationship with Jesus, there wasn’t anyone else involved. Not a father or a mother or a friend. It was just him and God. What if, instead of trying to imitate what he’d been taught a gentleman should be, Aaron started living by God’s standards for one?
He pulled two mugs from a shelf. “Sit down, Rigsby. I make a terrible cup of tea, but I can’t think of a better way for us to start over. And you can tell me why you came here in the first place.”
Rigsby was silent for several moments until he answered with the scrape of a chair. “I have a proposition for you.”
Thirty-Six
Aaron was waiting in the breakfast room when Graham came down the next morning. “I’m giving up my London rooms.”
Graham squinted, blinked, and rubbed his eyes. “I . . . what? Why?”
“Because I don’t need them. If I go to London, I could stay in a hotel or—” Aaron took a deep breath—“with your parents.”
Graham froze in the act of pulling out a dining chair. “Did you just say you would stay with my parents?”
“They’re always offering.” The lightness Aaron had been feeling since talking to Rigsby the night before started to dim. “They meant it, didn’t they?”
“Of course. Mother was overjoyed that you felt you could come to them for help, even if it was a favor for someone else. There are six bedrooms in that house. You can even claim one and keep clothes there if you want.”
Aaron nodded. “Good. Then I don’t need rooms.”
Graham sat and stared at Aaron until that wretched desire to pace began to rise.
“Could I borrow your carriage to collect my belongings?”
“It’s like a dam broke and now you can’t stop asking for favors.”
Aaron’s defenses snapped into place, but he forced himself to stop and think. In a way, Graham was right. Somewhere in the past few months, the fear that he would be alone as soon as he reached out to anyone had receded.
There was a new fear in its place—the fear that he wouldn’t take advantage of this fresh moment in life. The fear that he wouldn’t know who he was anymore if he stopped expecting the world to kick him in the teeth.
It had taken him thirty-two years to face the first fear. He hoped to handle this new one a little faster.
“Are you going to help me or not?” Aaron asked.
“We’ll leave after breakfast.”
IT DIDN’T TAKE long to gather Aaron’s clothes and the scattering of personal effects and let the shop owner know he was vacating the rooms. As they packed, Aaron explored the idea of telling Graham about Rigsby and Sophia.
There were times he couldn’t get the words out and times he chose not to be completely truthful, but it was more than he’d ever shared in a single moment and far more than he’d ever given voluntarily.
Graham grinned as they closed the last of the trunks. “Oliver is going to hate that he missed this.”
“I’m sure you’ll tell him everything.”
“With embellishments.” Graham moved to one end of the trunk. “Let’s strap this onto the carriage. We’ll stay the night with my parents and start for Newmarket in the morning.”
Considering how long Aaron had partially resided in those rooms, it was surprising how little of him had been in there. Clothing, boots, a few books and office items. Now it was just a room, waiting on another gentleman who didn’t quite have the means but wanted to maintain appearances.
Aaron was finished pretending. He was a horse trainer from Newmarket and that was enough. If he fully embraced this role, his friends wouldn’t leave him, his schedule wouldn’t shift. He would still be a gentleman in manner, even if he couldn’t claim the title.
Dinner with Lord and Lady Grableton was relaxed, and as Graham had predicted, his mother offered to let him leave a few items behind. He politely declined. While it would be annoying to pack every time he came to London, he needed a clean break.
THE NEXT MORNING, Aaron and Graham climbed back in the carriage.
“Can we make a stop before we leave London?” Aaron’s heart lodged itself in his throat like a rock.
“Where?”
“Mrs. Carlton’s School for Girls. Not the actual school, though. Just . . . somewhere nearby.”
For once Graham didn’t tease or make a joke. He simply gave the coachman instructions and sat quietly in his seat.
When the carriage rolled to a stop, Aaron climbed down. Graham exited behind him, but Aaron didn’t wait before strolling down the street to get closer to the school. Through a line of trees he could see the enclosure where Sophia was working with two girls on horseback. She perched atop Rhiannon, giving instructions and demonstrating before the girls made their own attempts.
She wore a blue riding habit that Bianca had worn last year. The skirt draped elegantly over the side of the horse, covering Sophia’s legs. It was entirely proper and looked entirely out of place. Could she do the riding she loved in that skirt? Even though she’d raced sitting aside, she’d been astride when she had given demonstrations at Trent’s house.
Her laugh drifted to him through the air, and his gut clenched. “Does she look happy?”
Graham looked at Aaron and then Sophia. There wasn’t any way to see her face or any real detail. Still, he said, “Yes, she does.”
“Good.” Aaron could move on as long as Sophia was happy. He didn’t want to have made a mistake with her while he was finding his own way.
They stood there too long. When Sophia circled her students, she looked up and saw them, then rode Rhiannon over to the closest corner, the only spot clear of trees.
Her shock was apparent. He gave her a smile and wave, hoping it would be enough.
Her lips moved, and it looked like she might be saying his name.