I tried to sound like I was discussing a case at the hospital, but my legs felt wobbly remembering how close we’d come to losing Stepan when he’d had the measles.
Polina patted my arm as if she knew what I was feeling. “We’ll take care of them. I’ll go down and talk to Zarja about what we’ll need over the next few days. If we can get Nika to drink broth, it will help, though I know she’s likely to lose her appetite very soon.”
“Yes, I’ll sit with her, and when you come back, I’ll get the boys to take turns coming in to read to her.”
I went back in the room and picked up a book, though Nika had her eyes closed. When I sat down next to her, she opened her eyes a little. “Can we wait until Sophie comes back?” she asked. “She’ll want to hear the story too.”
“Sophie can’t come in right now. We don’t want her to get sick too.”
Nika closed her eyes again. “Then I don’t want to hear a story. It’s no fun without Sophie.” She fell into a restless sleep, and Polina, the boys, and I took turns sitting with her throughout the day.
I had hoped Sophie was listless that day only because she couldn’t see Nika, but by nightfall she’d fallen ill too. Her fever went so high so fast, we sent for the doctor and moved her to a different room so Nika wouldn’t be awakened by the noise.
I sent Hap to Dr. Rushailo’s house, but she was out on a difficult delivery, so we had to settle for Papa’s doctor. “It’s not uncommon for children to have high fevers,” I told Polina and the boys several times while we waited for the man. “It doesn’t mean it’s serious.” I knew I was saying it more for myself than them, but I couldn’t make myself stop.
When the doctor was done examining her, he motioned me and Polina out of the room. “You both know there’s not much to be done except wait. Even with the best care, with a case of measles it’s all chance and how an individual’s body reacts. These two aren’t the first to fall ill. One of the grand duke’s granddaughters has died, and her nursemaid, too, and I’m afraid that’s just the beginning of this particular run.”
My throat caught. “Not Anna Andreevna.” I hoped he meant another grand duke and another granddaughter.
“Yes, that one. A shame. She was a lively little thing.”
I put my hand over my mouth. Not Anna.
The doctor jerked his head toward Sophie’s room. “If she survives the next two days, she’ll probably live. This is a bad time for a measles outbreak, but I fear we haven’t seen the worst of it yet.”
I felt the tears falling down my cheeks but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. As a nurse, I knew children died all the time, but I had always tried to pretend we could keep our family safe—that I could keep them safe.
The next two days went by in a blur. Nika was back up within a day, though she wasn’t completely better. I insisted on staying with Sophie at night because I knew she’d be afraid of the dark without Nika. She had terrible fever dreams and would wake screaming that the curtains were on fire or that there were monsters that weren’t letting her breathe. Each time, I’d lie next to her until she calmed down and fell back into a restless sleep. I was so tired I moved through the hours in a daze.
The third night I was dozing beside her when I woke to her small voice.
“Lottie, Lottie, is Dmitri still here?” Her voice was raspy.
I took her hand in mine. It was so hot and dry, I almost dropped it. “Of course he is, darling. I’m sure he’ll come visit you if you like.”
“Yes, please. I like Dmitri.” She closed her eyes for a while and I sat there watching her chest rise and fall. I said every prayer I knew, trying not to cry. Our family needed all of us. We wouldn’t be the same with a piece missing.
Sometime later, Sophie gave a little start and opened her eyes back up.
“Hello,” I said. “Can I get you to take a drink of water?”
She shook her head. “I have an important question.” Her voice was so faint, I leaned in close to hear her.
“Yes?”
“Does Dmitri like you more now than he did before, do you think?”
I smiled for her, though it took an effort. “Yes, yes, I think he does like me. But don’t worry about that now, darling.”
She smiled back. “I’m not worried.” Her voice got a little stronger. “The love potions we’ve been giving him are working. You’ll be all right.”
“Love potions?” I didn’t think I’d understood her. “You’ve been giving Dmitri love potions?”
“Yes.” Her eyes fluttered shut. “Nika and I knew…”
Her voice trailed off and my heart stopped.
“Sophie,” I whispered.
She didn’t answer. I put my hand on her chest, willing it to rise. When it did, I began to pray out loud, willing her to keep breathing.
Polina found me like that. She put her hand on Sophie’s forehead. “The fever has gone down,” she said, smiling. “I think we’ve gotten through the worst of it. You should get some sleep. I’ll sit with her now.”
I stumbled out into the hall and saw that it was daylight, though still very early in the morning. I leaned against the wall, trying to find the energy to walk to my own room.
“Lottie?” It was Dmitri’s voice. I turned around and he was right there, and I put my arms around him like it was something I’d always done. He hugged me, brushing my hair. “I’m here … I’m here…,” he whispered. “Is she…”
“Polina thinks she’s going to be all right.” I burst into tears again and laid my head on his shoulder, the tears refusing to stop. We stayed like that until I realized I was getting his shirt all wet. I also realized he wasn’t wearing his uniform tunic.
I moved my head so I could see his face, wiping my eyes. “Why aren’t you wearing your uniform?”
“It’s gotten too dangerous. So many officers have been killed by mobs that no one is wearing a uniform anymore. The Horse Guard is no more. It’s been disbanded.”
I let go of him and stepped back.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Do you mind?”
He rubbed his eyes. “I don’t know. I didn’t want to join, but once I was there, I made some good friends. And it was two years of my life. Let’s not talk about it, not now,” he said.
He seemed so different in regular clothes, much more like the university student he’d been, but I’d gotten so used to him in uniform, it was disorienting to see him so changed.
“Then I’ll tell you Sophie would like to see you when she wakes up,” I said. I remembered about the potions and my face flushed.
As if he could read my mind, Dmitri smiled. “Does she want to see me drink another love potion?”
“You … you knew?” My face went from flushing to flaming.
“Yes.” He pulled me back to him and put his arms around me again. “I cornered Polina after the first one and asked her what was in them. I’m afraid I intimidated the poor girl so much she confessed everything. The bad taste is just some dried herb. If I drink it fast enough, it isn’t so terrible.”