“You want me to wear that?” Lucy said, her voice worried.
Gina looked up at her. “Yes, it’s perfectly safe. It doesn’t use radiation like an MRI might, so there’s no chance of permanent damage.”
“Damage,” Lucy repeated, her worry changing to fear.
Zoe moved closer to her. “How does scanning her brain help her recover her memories?”
“I got the chance to look at the last brain imaging that was done after Olivia activated Lucy’s amnesia, and my theory is that Lucy’s memories weren’t removed. That may have been Olivia’s intention, but it appears her memories”—Gina nodded to Lucy—“your memories are still there, just in the wrong places. Which is why when you try to recall an event or time, you can’t. Because your brain doesn’t know where to look.”
Gina placed the device back in the black container, her face filled with excitement. “I would like to walk you through a type of RMT that will hopefully help you get inside your own brain and locate memories while you’re wearing DOT. When the neuronal activity in the brain increases in a region, oxygenated blood flows to that part of the brain, allowing us to see it using DOT technology. Like the way you can detect if someone is blushing, because of the rush of blood to their cheeks.”
She rubbed her hands together and dropped her eyes. “I believe that if I can help you walk through your own psyche and locate those memories, I can detect patterns of where and how they moved.” She looked up at Lucy again. “And then hopefully you’ll be able to access them.”
“Have you done this before?” Zoe asked.
Gina looked at her, an eerie thrill twinkling in her eyes. “No one’s ever done this before. No one’s ever been like Lucy.”
A shiver ran the course of Zoe’s spine. She hated Gina Loveless. Hated who she represented. Hated who she reminded Zoe of. Lucy was a toy to Gina. Something she could poke and prod to gain information she couldn’t have any other way. Someone to play with, like someone had played with Zoe and the little brother she’d lost.
She’d trusted Dr. Holbert, believed he was trying to help her and Stephen. She’d let him convince her to let Stephen go. That it was more important to focus on herself and let Stephen find his own way. The doctor had even convinced her that they would be better off in different foster homes. And after being abandoned by his sister, he’d found solace in another sibling. That boy had stolen everything good from her sweet brother, and now he might as well be dead.
“What’s RMT?” Lucy asked.
“Recovered-memory therapy,” Zoe answered, the sting of Stephen still burning at her brain.
Surprise flashed across Gina’s gaze. “You are familiar with it?”
“Unfortunately,” Zoe replied. Her rash burned underneath the long sleeve of her shirt, and she forced herself to ignore it.
“Yes, I know it has a bad reputation, but with the unique structure of Lucy’s brain, I really believe it can be helpful.”
“You plan to use amobarbital, I assume?” Zoe asked.
“It has the mildest hypnotic properties,” Gina said. “Just enough to make her mind malleable.”
“You mean easily influenced.”
“That’s not my intent. I want Lucy to remember the truth, not my version of it. What motivation would I have for influencing her memories?”
Lucy turned to Zoe. “I won’t do it if you don’t think I should.”
Gina huffed and rolled her eyes. “This is ridiculous and a waste of our time.” She moved to Lucy’s side. “Listen to me, I—”
“No,” Lucy said, pulling back. She shook her head. “No. Olivia told me to be careful who I trusted.” She turned to Zoe and grabbed her hand. “I trust you.”
Zoe smiled at the sweet girl and nodded. She’d wondered if she might lose Lucy to the others. She was surprised by how happy she was it hadn’t happened yet.
“Let’s get some air,” she said to Lucy. The girl nodded, and they turned to leave the barn. Zoe heard Gina complain as they walked off, and Seeley told her to relax.
The two girls stepped out into the evening light, the symphony of nature playing around them. They walked for a couple of moments, hand in hand.
“What are you thinking?” Zoe finally asked.
“That I’m afraid,” Lucy said.
“Me too.”
“Maybe I don’t need to remember.”
“What if Seeley is right, and that means a lifetime of running?”
Lucy considered this. “I am very fast.”
Zoe smiled. This was truer than she thought possible. “You don’t have to remember if you don’t want to.”
Lucy stared at the fading sun, and Zoe knew the answer before she asked the question.
“But you want to remember, don’t you?”
“How can I know who I am without knowing who I was?” Lucy asked.
Zoe wanted to say her past didn’t define her, that Lucy could be whatever she wanted for now, in this moment, but she knew those things were a lie.
“Do you think it will hurt?” Lucy asked.
“Remembering can be painful.”
“What if I remember I’m bad?”
It was the second time she’d heard Lucy verbalize this concern.
“What if you don’t like me anymore, because I’m not good?” Lucy asked, tears in her eyes.
Zoe turned and placed her hands on the sides of Lucy’s face. “That won’t happen. That will never happen.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Lucy nodded, and Zoe dropped her hands. She knew Lucy was going to do it, let Gina try to walk her into her own mind, and if Zoe was being honest, she would probably do the same thing.
“I don’t want to be with the doctor alone,” Lucy said.
“You won’t be,” Zoe said. “Together, remember.”
Lucy smiled. “Together.”
They stood there for a long time, holding hands, watching the sun dip below the mountains and cover the sky in shades of pink and orange. Zoe wished the moment would linger just a bit longer. She had no idea how to prepare for what was coming next.
EIGHTEEN
IT WAS MORNING, and I was awake while the rest of the house remained still. Beside me in the large king bed, Zoe was still sleeping. I tried not to stare at her and instead closed my eyes to try to see into the depths of my mind. I was searching for what I’d lost. I could trace the map back for a while. I have made a few new memories since my past was taken into reverse.
The dingy room is the earliest thing I can remember. As far back as I can reach. I don’t know where it was or how I got there, but I remember rising from a bed that had scratchy covers to the worried expression of a lovely woman who was sitting beside me. I remember her warm hand holding my cold one. I don’t know why I was cold.
Thinking back on that memory now, I’m surprised I wasn’t more discouraged or fearful. If someone were to ask me what it felt like to wake up without any memories, I’m not sure what I would say. I was just awake, and the warm woman was telling me her name was Olivia. And my name was Lucy. We were in trouble, but I shouldn’t worry because she was taking care of me.