“You have no idea,” she says as she stands, “how much I wish it weren’t true but as soon as I saw him, I knew. Your brother is the man who raped me.”
“No!” I scream, shaking my head. My thoughts are heavy as I try to piece it all together, make it all make sense because she has to be mistaken. There is no way that Clay is her rapist. “You’re wrong. You didn’t get a good look at him.”
“Lucas,” she says, her tone grave. “For those two minutes, I stared your brother in the face as he violated me and I will never forget him. Not even when I’m old and gray. I know this is hard for you but don’t ever insinuate that I don’t know who the monster who raped me is.”
I take another step back and shake my head. “He’s not a monster. He’s my brother.”
“To you, he isn’t but to me…”
“No. He had to have been high at the time. He probably didn’t even know…”
“And that makes it any better?” she asks, interrupting me and I shake my head.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to think.
Blowing out a breath, I continue my pacing and pull at my hair, wishing there was someone I could punch nearby just to do something with the thunderstorm of emotions rocking through me.
“No,” I breathe, shaking my head. “Of course, it doesn’t make it better but…”
She steps forward and holds her hand up. “Please just stop. Nothing you could say is going to fix what he did.”
“Baby…” I whisper, meeting her gaze and it hits me as her pain rips through me again just like before. My baby brother raped her. All this time I’ve been killing myself to save him, to find him some piece of redemption but maybe he was too far gone all along. Staring at my girl, I imagine her that night, shoved into an alley while he had his way with her and tears burn my eyes as I shake my head. “I’m so sorry.”
She releases a stuttered breath as fresh tears drip down her face. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Are you going to go to the police?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last three days. If he was anyone else, I would have already reported him but he’s not. He’s your brother and I don’t know how to do anything that wouldn’t hurt you.”
I open my mouth to answer her before realizing that I don’t know what to say. I’m being torn in half by my love for her and my love for my brother and she’s right. If he was anyone else, I would be right there beside her, turning him into the police. Taking a step toward the door, I grab the handle and shake my head. “I… I have to go.”
She meets my eyes, sobbing again as she nods and I turn toward the door as my stomach twists into knots. I hesitate only for a second before yanking it open and practically running out of the office and to my truck. I can’t deal with this now. I need time to think and sort this all out because either way, I fucking lose.
I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do?
Do I betray the woman I love or the only blood I have left?
* * * *
A clap of thunder rattles the walls as lightning streaks across the sky and a whimper greets me in the darkness from the other side of the room. Clay has always been scared of storms but I can’t be sure that’s the reason he’s uneasy tonight. I clutch my blanket tighter and stare up at the green glow in the dark stars Mom helped me put on the ceiling last Christmas, praying for daylight. Something about the darkness always makes the fighting seem worse.
“Luke?” Clay whispers, his voice wavering with unshed tears. I force down the fear creeping up the back of my spine and turn my head to look at him.
“It’s just thunder, Clay. Go back to sleep.”
His little lip wobbles as he meets my gaze. “Why are they fighting this time?”
The sound of breaking glass pierces the silence and echoes down the hallway, punctuating his question and I shake my head.
“I don’t know.”
Staring at the door, I strain my ears, trying to hear anything from the front of the house but it’s quiet. Too quiet. It’s almost as if the crickets and frogs that usually chirp outside our bedroom window can sense the approaching storm. Or maybe they can sense the same thing that’s been making my tummy feel funny all night long.
“Goddamn it, Amanda!” Dad’s voice booms, full of anger, and I shrink into myself, my heart pounding as I grip the blanket tighter. I wish I could say this was new but Mom and Dad have been fighting a lot lately and it scares me but I have to be tough for Clay. Dad wasn’t always like this – so grumpy and short-tempered – but when he lost his job a year ago, everything started to change. I think Mom hoped that when he found work again, things would get better but they’ve only gotten worse. He’s unpredictable and when he loses his temper, I’m terrified of him.
“Ray, please don’t do this!” Mom’s wail reverberates through the house and Clay lets out another whimper. With my heart pounding in my ears, I turn to him and bring my finger to my lips. He nods, tears welling up in his eyes. As scary as this is for me, I know it’s got to be worse for him. He’s only five and he looks at me as his protector so that’s what I have to be.
“No!”
A loud bang rips through the house, making me jump out of my skin as Clay cries out. Without thinking, I throw the covers off of me and race to his bedside before placing my hand over his mouth. He stares up at me, his eyes full of terror, and I press my finger to my lips, desperate to shut him up before Dad hears. My heart hammers in my chest and tears well up in my eyes but I hand him a pillow to cry into before stepping away from his bed and moving toward the door, careful to avoid the floorboards that creak. I creep over to the door, careful not to make any noise as I crouch down behind it and pry it open before peeking down the hallway.
Mom is laying in a heap at the other end of the hallway and Dad is on his knees next to her, covered in blood, and holding a gun in his hand. Dark red blood pools under her and pain rips through my chest.
No.
No.
No.
Mom!
“Fuck,” Dad chokes out, his voice like nothing I’ve ever heard before and he grabs the gun again, staring down at it as his finger wraps around the trigger. I have no idea what he’s going to do next but I know Clay and I can’t be around to find out. When I try to move, my gaze drops back down to Mom and tears slip down my cheeks.
Mom…
A scream echoes through my head as more tears fall and I mash my lips together. Every part of my body wants to run to her, shake her, force her to wake up but the gun in Dad’s hand keeps me rooted to this spot. Taking a step back, I carefully shut the door and turn to Clay as silent tears fall down my face.
“Get dressed now and be quiet.”
He shakes his head. “What’s going on, Luke? Where’s Mom? I want Mom.”
I choke back a sob and shake my head, crossing the room to his bed. I grab his arms and hold them firmly. “This is important, Clay. You have to be quiet and we have to go, now. Get dressed.”
“What about Mom?” he asks again and I shake my head.