Then again, maybe not.
Burying my head in my hands, I wonder what would have happened if I had just listened to her and gotten out of the club before everything went to hell. The knot in my stomach hasn’t gone away since she finally told me everything and in between my rage, I know that this is my fault. I got us both in a terrible situation and I’ve caused her so much pain that I don’t even know how she looks at me, let alone loves me. My heart is lying in pieces on the floor around her and I couldn’t even blame her if she just left them there, if she walked away, and never looked back. I’ve always loved her but I was so stupid and misguided that it’s hard to even look myself in the mirror right now.
I don’t deserve her.
I don’t deserve anything.
And even after everything I put her through, she still named him after me.
Fuck.
Pushing to my feet, I pace through the living room for a minute before walking over to Kady and kissing the top of her head. Her face finally looks peaceful now that she’s sleeping and my heart aches. Sucking in a breath, I walk to the door and turn back to take one last look at her, trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with all this pain. Jack lifts his head from the pillow and I nod to him.
“Keep her safe,” I whisper and almost like he understands me, he lays his head back down on the pillow with a sigh. Stepping outside, I pull my jacket tighter around me and climb in my truck, unsure if I’m going to go find Biche and kill him or just walk out of Kady’s life altogether. At this point, the only justice would be if I was forced to live the rest of my life without her.
As I back out of the driveway, I stop by the broken motion sensor and sigh as I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Smith’s number.
“Hey, what’s up?” he asks as soon as he answers the phone.
“The motion sensor at Kady’s house is broken. Think you can replace it for me?”
There’s a pause on the other end of the line. “Sure… but why can’t you do it?”
“Don’t know if I’m going to be here,” I tell him, glancing back up at the cabin as my pain pulses through my chest. Jesus, can I really walk away from her?
“Whoa, what the hell is going on, dude?”
I shake my head and pull out onto the street. “It’s a long story.”
“Well, stop by the clubhouse. I’m here with Streak, Moose, and Storm.”
I consider refusing for a second but out of my options, going to the clubhouse is the best one. Besides, they probably need to know the information I found out today if they’re going to keep her safe. Whether I’m in her life or not.
“Yeah, okay. I’m on my way.”
We hang up and I turn around to head to the clubhouse as I try to decide what the hell I’m going to do with all this shit.
Do I really want to leave her?
No.
But goddamn, the guilt I feel over everything I’ve put her through is so fucking overwhelming that it’s hard to even breathe right now. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Gripping the steering wheel a little tighter, I imagine her moving on and being happy with someone else as my chest burns and my stomach clenches. Her accusation about how I hurt her pops into my mind and I wonder, if I asked her, what she’d want me to do.
Would she truly forgive me or tell me to get fucking lost?
I wouldn’t blame her if she did.
I pull into the clubhouse parking lot and whip into an open space. It’s damn near midnight but there are still a few bikes and trucks around. After parking, I climb out of the truck and march inside, still bouncing back and forth between anger and guilt. Smith and Storm are sitting on the couches when I walk in and they’ve both got a kid in their lap.
“Uh… hey,” I say.
“What’s going on?” Smith asks and I sigh as I glance around the room.
“Yeah, it’s a long story but I need to have a chat with Streak and Blaze, they around?”
Storm nods as he stands with his baby girl in his arms. “Yeah, they’re in Blaze’s office. I’ll go grab ‘em and we can sit down.”
“Naw, y’all just hang out with your kids. I’m sure they’ll fill you in later.”
Smith shoots me a look. “This about your girl?”
“Yeah.”
“Then, we’ll come,” he says, standing up. “Besides, Uncle Moose loves hanging out with the babes.”
He points to the two sleeping babies and I force a smile to my face.
“Okay, then.”
“Moose,” Storm calls and as they meet him by the bar to hand their kids off, I retreat into the room and sit in my usual chair. A few minutes go by before they all file in with concerned expressions and questioning glances.
“All right, Henn. Tell us what’s going on,” Blaze says as he sits at the head of the table and I nod, picking at the wood.
“Biche, or most likely one of his guys, showed up at the house today with a present for Kady. It was this gift basket with a balloon that said “It’s a boy!” like you get for someone when they have a kid.”
Blaze nods. “And this is significant how?”
“Kady finally admitted to me that she was pregnant when she was taken.”
All four of them suck in a breath as a feeling of heaviness descends over the room.
“She gave birth to him in late January, almost exactly seven years ago, and Biche took him away to get checked over by a doc. When he came back, he had another doctor with him and told her that the baby didn’t make it.”
Smith and Storm’s faces are somber and I’d guess that if anyone could understand how I’m feeling right now, it’s them since they are the only members who actually have kids.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, brother,” Storm says, reaching over and slapping my back. I nod, resisting the urge to shake him off.
“What was this other doctor there for?” Blaze asks. He has this uncanny ability to pick up the details everyone else overlooks at first.
“The doctor knocked Kady out and when she came to, Biche told her that he’d made sure she could never give me anymore babies.”
There’s a beat of silence before they all speak at once, expressing their disbelief and outrage.
“What the fuck?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Bastard.”
Blaze looks up at me from the table. “Is there any proof that the baby actually died?”
“No, but I don’t know how we’d find any either. Biche was holding a woman captive. He couldn’t exactly take the baby to real doctors,” I say and he nods in agreement.
“Do we think he killed it himself?” Streak asks and my head whips toward him.
“Thomas. Not it.”
He holds his hands up. “Right, sorry. Do we think he killed Thomas?”
“I don’t fucking know!” I roar, slamming my fists on the table. Why the fuck is he asking these questions that he knows I don’t know the answer to? Just to torment me?
“Hey, everyone, take a breath,” Blaze instructs before turning to me with sympathy on his face. “I’m so sorry, brother. I do have some idea what you’re going through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”