That’s an understatement.
Our baby boy walks out of the house with the same confident swagger that Noah’s always had and when he laughs, a sob overwhelms me. I clamp my hand over my mouth and Noah glances over at me as he pulls me across the seat into his arms. He presses a kiss to my forehead but his muscles are rigid.
“You did good, babe. He’s perfect.”
I nod, watching our son as he starts playing catch with what I assume is his little sister and their father. My mind races over all the little things that we’ve missed over the years and I suck in a breath through clenched teeth.
Why?
How is it fair that they get to spend every Christmas with our baby boy and watch his handsome little face light up as he opens presents?
Why did they deserve to watch him learn to walk and talk and not us?
Silent tears streak down my face as the injustice of it all burns in my belly and anger like a white hot poker lodges in my chest. I wish I could march out of this truck right now and take my boy but Blaze’s words ring in my mind. His parents, the folks who adopted him, they’re just as much victims in this as we are and it’s not fair of me to imagine violence befalling them. Maybe, in some way, I should be grateful to them.
There’s no telling what would have happened to my boy if he’d been allowed by Oliver to stay with me. He let his guard down a little immediately following Thomas’s “death” because of how broken I was and it’s what allowed Bobby to break me out so easily. If he’d been there, though, I don’t think that would have happened. At least this way, I know he’s been well cared for and loved all of these years.
I just wish that made it easier to deal with it.
“We need to go,” Noah whispers and I glance at him, shaking my head.
“No.”
He scowls. “I know, baby, but we’re going to attract attention if we sit out here much longer.”
Glancing back up at the house, I stare at my Thomas, trying desperately to imprint every little feature of his handsome face to my memory so I’ll never forget it as Noah starts the truck. My whole body tenses like I might try to physically stop Noah from driving away from my baby and he sighs, squeezing me into his side.
“I know, baby,” he whispers, running his hand over my hair. “This isn’t the end, okay?”
I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “Okay.”
Chapter Eighteen
Kady
The sun sinks behind the tree line as we pull into the driveway and I wipe the tears from my cheeks as Noah shuts off the truck. We both make no move to get out, just sitting in silence with a riot of emotions filling the cab. All the way back from Port Allen, I couldn’t stop the tears or loud sobs that accompanied them as it felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest with a pick axe. One look at our baby boy and I never wanted to leave him. More than anything, I wish we could have spoken to him. I have so many questions about who he is, what he likes, and what he doesn’t. I can’t help but wonder if he would have the same cocky attitude that Noah always had or if he’d be more soft spoken. From the little we saw of him, he is a carbon copy of Noah but I’m so curious what traits he got from me. Or maybe he’s nothing like either one of us. Maybe he’s like his adoptive parents since they’re the ones who raised him. There is so much that I want to talk about but as I glance over at Noah, he sighs and climbs out of the truck without a word. I watch him stomp up to the cabin, abandoning me in the truck, and heat flushes through my body as I clench my teeth and shove my door open.
Oh, I’m so over this shit.
As I stare up at the front door, my first instinct is to march in there guns blazing and have it out with him but something makes me stop. That’s what I would normally do but Noah and I have never had a fight like this… Hell, I don’t even think you could call it a fight since technically we’ve barely spoken to each other in days. The rift between us is constantly expanding and I know this can’t go on any longer. I feel so far away from him and my heart is breaking but I’m completely lost in this. Before he was locked up, our relationship was so easy. We were just two kids who were madly in love and we never dealt with anything as emotionally charged as this situation we’re in now. Back then, we had no idea the kind of anguish and torment we would experience and now that we’re facing it head on, I have no idea how to move forward with him.
But I want to.
Noah has been my rock, especially since he’s been back. He was steady in his feelings for me and our love even when I wasn’t and if he can’t or won’t stand up and fight for us now, that’s okay. He’s carried the torch for seven long years when I’d given up on any hope for a future with him so it’s high time I take over. And I’ll fight hard enough for the both of us.
Sucking in a breath, I nod and walk up onto the front porch and open the screen door before stepping into the cabin. Jack looks up from his bed and flashes me a sweet puppy smile as his tail thumps against the floor. I shut the door behind me as I turn to Noah. He’s parked in the chair next to the fireplace, staring into the small flames that are just beginning to dance around the logs and the pain on his face breaks my heart. My man is so strong and so fierce in his everyday life but right now, he looks broken.
“We should talk,” I whisper, sitting down on the couch across from him. He turns his head a fraction of an inch, flicking his gaze over to me before he shakes his head and turns back to the fire.
“Not now.”
I nod firmly. “Yes, now.”
“I don’t feel like it, Kady,” he spits, turning to glare at me and I suck in a breath. God, I can’t stand this anymore. My chest aches with the pain of the last few days - from finding out our son was alive, to seeing him for the first time with his new family, and the cloud of silence and tension that’s been swallowing the two of us up whole.
“Tough shit.”
His eyes widen before narrowing into slits. “Tough shit? What are you going to do if I refuse? Make me?”
“Noah,” I breathe, tears stinging my eyes. “I want to work this out. I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”
“Who’s fighting, babe?”
“We are!” I scream, jumping up from the couch, motioning between the two of us as he scoffs. “We’ve never been like this before, Noah, and I’m scared that if we don’t work this out now and put it behind us, it’s going to end us.”
He rolls his eyes as he stands and turns to the kitchen. “We’ll be fine.”
“No, we won’t! And I refuse to just sit here and watch us fall apart. Either you come back here and we work this out now or you can leave. We’ve always loved to argue, Noah, but we’ve never felt this far apart. I’ve never felt so much distance between us.”
“So now you’re giving me ultimatums?” he asks, spinning back to me and I shake my head.
“No, I just want to fix this. I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.”
He arches a brow as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Not even when you ignored me for seven years?”
“Don’t,” I snap, pointing a finger at him. “You know why I couldn’t come see you.”