I glance down at the paper in my hand and shake my head before looking through some of the other papers. After flipping through page after page on reproductive health, pregnancy statistics, and other options for starting a family, I sigh.
“I can’t focus on this much information at once, Eden. It’s like gibberish and my mind is running at a hundred miles an hour.”
She nods and pulls a notepad out of her purse before tossing it onto the table in front of me. “I thought you might say that so I made bullet points.”
“You had this the whole time and you’re just now giving it to me?” I ask, picking up the notepad and waving it around. She nods.
“I wanted you to have everything you might need to make this decision.”
I do a quick scan of the information printed on the front page of the notepad before looking up at her. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Why is this so important to you?”
Her eyes shine with unshed tears as she looks down at the table. “Because I love you and you have this tendency to live in fear. You let it paralyze you and until someone pushes you, you don’t grow or move forward. I know how badly you want to have a family and so I’m going to push you because I think, in the end, you’ll thank me for it.”
“Eden,” I whisper as a tear streaks down my face. I wish she wasn’t one hundred percent correct but I know she is. After everything that I’ve been through, it’s the way I protect myself but I know I need people like her in my life to push me past what feels safe. “Okay. Lay this out for me?”
She nods as she grabs the notepad and sets it on the table between the two of us. “So, as far as I can tell, your options to have a family without a man in your life is to use a sperm donor or adoption.”
“I figured as much but the real question is what is the cost?”
Wincing, she flips to the second page of the notebook and slides it across the table to me.
Adoption:
$35,000 - $50,000
“Jesus Christ,” I snap, glancing up at her with wide eyes as she nods, looking guilty.
“I know. When I saw that number I about passed out.”
My heart drops and glance back down at the paper. “There is no way in hell I can afford that, Eden. Like ever.”
How does that make any kind of sense? There are children who desperately need homes and I want to give them that and all the love they can handle but I still can’t adopt a child unless I take out so many loans I’ll never recover or win a small lottery.
“Just keep reading,” she instructs and I take a deep breath as I move to the next line.
Sperm Bank & IUI:
$4,000
Well, I guess it’s not impossible but it’s still a large amount of money for me. Eden and I do well with our studio but we’re not rich by any means. Wringing my hands together, I shake my head.
“Maybe I could squeeze that. I’d have to save up for a little while, though.”
“Well…” Eden squeaks and my head jerks up.
“What?”
She winces again. “That number is per cycle of IUI and the chances that you’ll get pregnant are only about twenty percent, at best.”
It’s fucking impossible.
“Are there any other options?”
“Um… yes… there is IVF, which has a higher success rate but… it’s way more expensive.”
I nod as my chest aches. “How expensive?”
“Like fifteen thousand dollars per cycle,” she whispers and I gasp before leaning back in my chair and dropping my head back as tears sting my eyes.
“So, it’s hopeless, then?”
“No,” she whispers, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. Sitting up, I look at her. “You could… I don’t know… join a dating site or something. Ooh, or maybe an ad on craigslist.”
“For what?” I hiss, shaking my head as a tear falls down my cheek. “A baby daddy? I’m sure that will go over well as long as I don’t get murdered first.”
She shakes her head as tears fill her eyes again. “I’m so sorry, Piper. I didn’t know how expensive all this stuff was when I suggested it to you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone and all of this will be a moot point.”
“Yeah, right,” I scoff, shaking my head as more tears fall down my cheeks. Pulling my hand out of her grasp, I prop my elbows up on the table and hide my face as a sob overwhelms me. God, I’m such an idiot. Why the hell did I ever walk away from everything? Closing my eyes, I can picture the life I could have had with Wyatt and it kills me to know that I was stupid enough to lose all that. I can imagine our boys who would have looked just like him and our girls who would have thought their daddy hung the moon and stars. I can imagine Friday movie night on the couch and Sunday dinners around the table and so much love that the void of it in my life, even if it is fictional, is soul crushing.
Eden’s arms wrap around me from behind but I can’t stop the aching sobs coming out of my mouth now as images of a life I left behind flash through my mind. It’s not something I do often, as a means of self-preservation, but as the tears fall, I imagine what Wyatt is doing now. The last time I saw him, he seemed happy and I can’t help but wonder if he went out and found everything he wanted out of life. Maybe, in the end, his life got better when I walked out of it. As much as it hurts, as much as I want to scream into the void to release some of this agony, I hope that is the case. I hope he met someone new, fell in love, and started the family he always wanted.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I say as I sit up and wipe at my eyes even though tears are still dripping down my cheeks. “It’s just been one of those days, you know?”
She hugs me tighter. “Sweetie, you don’t have to apologize to me. I understand and we’re not giving up, okay? We’ll find a way.”
Before I can respond to her, the alarm on my phone goes off and I whisper a curse as I remember my support group is tonight. I wiggle out of Eden’s arms and run to the kitchen to grab it off the counter. As I turn the alarm off, I wipe the tears from my face and pull a shaky breath into my lungs as I try to rein in my tears and turn toward her.
“I’m so sorry. I totally forgot my group is tonight.”
“Don’t even worry about it,” she says, brushing off my concern with a wave of her hand. “Say hi to Lillian for me and tell her we need to make plans for all three of us to get together soon.”
I nod as I close the distance between us and give her a hug. “I will.”
After I release her, she grabs her purse off of the table and waves good-bye before leaving. As soon as she’s gone, I rush upstairs and wash my face to try and combat some of the redness from crying before I put some mascara on and rush out of the apartment. I don’t particularly feel like going to my support group tonight but I’ve learned that nights like this one are when I need the group the most so I force myself to go. Truthfully, I’d much rather crawl under a blanket and eat a pint of chocolate ice cream but I know that’s not healthy.