“What do you mean you don’t know?”
Sucking in a breath, I play with a loose thread on my blanket.
Fuck.
I guess we’re doing this now…
“It’s complicated, Wyatt.”
“So explain it,” he demands and I look up, my heart pounding in my chest as the words I need to say roll around in my brain. I open my mouth to speak before snapping it shut again.
God, I don’t even know where to start.
“I…”
I snap my mouth closed again as the words stick in my throat. He closes the distance between us and grabs both of my hands between his. “Just start somewhere, babe. I don’t even care if it makes sense at first. Just start talking.”
“I…” I whisper, my mind screaming the words that I can’t seem to force through my lips. I suck in a breath and squeeze my eyes shut. “I had an episode…”
“What does that mean, Pip? What kind of episode?” The worry and pain in his voice breaks my heart all over again and I blow out a breath, trying to find a piece of my soul that might still have a little bit of the bravery I need to tell him everything.
“Technically, it was called a psychotic break…”
Silence.
Just like the night my parents were killed, the silence steals the air from my lungs, choking me as I wait for his reply and more tears fall down my cheeks.
I can’t open my eyes.
I can’t see the disgust on his face.
The one time he needed me to be strong for him, I couldn’t and living with the shame of that for the past ten years is just as bad as the pain of missing him. He went to war for God’s sake and I couldn’t even handle being without him for a year. It’s pitiful and I don’t blame him one bit for being appalled by my weakness.
“Piper,” he whispers and my lip trembles.
Please don’t hate me…
“Piper, look at me,” he says, his voice soft and my eyes snap open immediately, meeting his gaze as my heart beats so hard I think it might explode. His eyes are filled with love and sympathy instead of the disgust and anger I expected and a sob bubbles out of my mouth. “Tell me what happened, baby.”
Oh, God…
Nodding, I grip his hands and give them a squeeze as a newfound strength rolls through me but it’s always been that way for us. Wyatt is my support system and he makes me feel strong enough to take on the world around me which was exactly the problem that led to the end of our marriage.
“After you deployed, I felt pretty good, at first. I thought I could handle the stress of everything and I knew that you would be back with me soon enough…”
He nods.
“But then there was this news story about a troop that was killed over where you were and I remember sitting on the couch for an entire day with my eyes glued to the screen as I waited to hear from you.”
His brows draw together. “But I was okay, baby.”
“I know,” I whisper, nodding. “But after that, my mind was consumed with thoughts of you never making it home to me. I was still able to deal with it, though. I mean, I wasn’t taking good care of myself but I hadn’t completely lost it yet and then four months into your tour, I was bringing in some groceries and I saw one of those black town cars pulling down our street.”
Closing my eyes, I still remember that day like it was yesterday and the fear that I was about to lose everything, again, as the Casualty Assistance Officers rolled up to our house and then the pure relief that flooded my body when they kept going.
“After that, I was paralyzed by the fear that you weren’t going to come back to me. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping and I didn’t leave the house for two months. Anytime someone rang the doorbell, I would cower in the corner of the living room and wait for them to leave. Some days, I didn’t even get out of bed, too scared to face the possibility and things just devolved from there. By the time I left, I can’t even tell you what was real and what wasn’t. I was seeing the man that killed my parents and I was seeing you… dead with bullet holes all over your body… lying in our bed… sitting on our couch. No where was safe anymore.”
“My God, baby,” he breathes, releasing my hands and pulling me into his arms. Another sob tears through me as he crushes me to his body and buries his nose in my hair before pressing his lips to the top of my head. It’s even better than I remember and for the first time in ten years, I feel safe enough to let myself fall apart because Wyatt has always loved me enough to put me back together. Pulling away, he shakes his head. “But why didn’t you come back?”
I meet his eyes. “My next clear memory was waking up in the psychiatric wing of the hospital a year later.”
“What?” He blinks, confusion all over his face as he waits for an explanation.
“My doctor said that the psychotic episode was compounded by PTSD from the night my parents were murdered and I spent a year living in my car and running from the demons that had become very real for me. When I didn’t think the man who killed my parents was after me again, I thought you were dead and I was completely alone in the world.”
He stumbles off the bed and backs up a few steps before slowly shaking his head and running both hands through his hair, gripping it and tugging. “Why wasn’t I contacted? I’m your goddamn husband! I should have been notified that you were in the hospital.”
“I asked them not to,” I whisper, shaking my head as my stomach rolls. I don’t want to hurt him but if I’m going to tell him this, I have to tell him all of it. “I was so ashamed of what had happened while you were gone and I didn’t want you to know how weak I had been. Plus, Dr. Brewer thought I used you as a crutch instead of dealing with my issues and that I needed to learn how to cope on my own.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“No, Wyatt. It isn’t… I’ve learned a lot in the years we’ve been apart and Dr. Brewer was right. I leaned on you to right my world after my parents were killed so when you were gone, I didn’t know how to stand up on my own two feet.”
I can see him working through everything I’ve told him before he sighs and nods, turning back to me. “And now?”
“Now, I have better ways to cope with the trauma I went through and when I struggle, I call Dr. Brewer or I go to my support group.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me all that? Why did you feel like you couldn’t trust me?” he asks, pain etches across his face as he closes the distance between us and sits down on the bed. I drop my gaze to the blanket as a tingling sensation rushes up the back of my neck and my cheeks heat. I shake my head as my chest tightens.
“I’m not proud of what happened back then, Wyatt. I was so incredibly weak and I didn’t want you to…”
He cups my cheek and slams his lips to mine, silencing my fears with a kiss hot enough to burn the room down around us. It consumes us, wrapping us up in its flames and transporting us to my favorite place in the world - the one where only Wyatt and I exist. His kiss still holds the intimate details of our love and with his lips pressed against mine, it’s like the past ten years didn’t happen. It’s like we were never apart. Whimpering, I climb in his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. He kisses me hard, commanding my body with an expert touch and when he pulls away, we’re both gasping for breath.