As much as I would love to run out of here and never look back, it’s almost as if Raven has taken over my body and I find myself hooking my leg around the pole and slowly spinning as my mind drifts to the last Thanksgiving we all had as a real family… before everything fell apart. It was years ago - before Dad died, before Nora was killed, and before Lincoln ran away to escape the pain that seems to haunt us in this town, leaving Mom and me all alone. Pain swarms my chest and tears sting my eyes as I squeeze them shut, trying to fight back the memories and focus on the swing of my hips and the beat of the song but it’s too late. The dam has been opened and I’m not strong enough to hold it all back tonight. Sucking in a ragged breath, I open my eyes, grab the pole again, and jump up before flipping upside down and opening my legs into a “V”. On any other day, there would be cheering and men throwing money onto the stage as they looked up at me like I was some kind of goddess but as I look out at the crowd, all I can see is my own sorrow reflected back at me.
The song stretches on as I right myself and slide back down the pole, trying my damnedest not to break down in front of all these people as more memories flood my mind. I was so young when Dad’s plane went down during a typical supply run but the memory is still so damn clear - the look on Lincoln’s face when he came home with the police officers, Mom collapsing to her knees as she wailed and Nora and I staring at each other with wide eyes because we couldn’t understand what was going on. It was like all the grownups were talking in code and no one would just come right out and say that he was gone. At least, I don’t think they did but maybe I blocked it out in an act of self-preservation. Leaning back against the pole, I close my eyes again as my lip wobbles and my heart hammers in my chest.
Goddamn it.
I cannot lose it up here.
Gritting my teeth, I open my eyes, reach over my head, and grab the pole before sinking down into a crouch and arching my back so my hips lift forward. Reaching behind my back, I pull on one of the strings of my top, allowing it to come undone so I can toss it across the stage. One of the men in front of me glances up, his eyes locked onto my tits as he tosses some money on the stage before going back to his drink - whiskey, if I had to guess - and, despite the awful feeling building in my stomach, I force myself to keep going. Most nights, I can rake in a couple hundred bucks but in the four hours I’ve been here tonight, I’ve only managed to make somewhere around fifty dollars and honestly, it’s not even worth the trouble. I probably wouldn’t have even come in if I had any other option than sitting in my apartment alone with Ramen noodles and my overwhelming grief.
Sliding onto my belly along the stage, I pull my knees to my stomach, shoving my ass into the air as the final notes of the song ring out through the club and another man tosses a few dollar bills onto the stage as I grab the pole and stand up. Raven, the consummate professional, can’t stop herself from bowing despite the lack of applause and my stomach flips as I grab the money littering the floor and my top before disappearing behind the curtain. As I descend the stairs from the stage, I glance down at the money in my hand and scoff. Fifty dollars. That brings my total to maybe a hundred for the evening, if I’m lucky. If nothing else, I guess it will pay for my groceries for the next week. With a sigh, I grab my silk robe off of the hook and slip it on, tying the belt around my waist.
“Rowan,” Mr. Alexander calls from his office door just before I duck into the dressing room and I glance up, arching a brow. “How did you do tonight?”
I make a face and hold up the fifty dollars I made on my last dance and he nods.
“Why don’t you head home, then? We’re not even breaking even at this point and I’m just going to shut ‘er down early.”
Nodding, I force a smile to my face. “Sounds good, Mr. Alexander. Thanks.”
“Tell the other girls to pack up as well, will you?” he asks and I nod again.
“Sure thing.”
He flashes me a thankful smile before ducking back into his office and I step into the dressing room and sit down at my vanity by the door before turning to the three other girls working tonight.
“Mr. Alexander is shutting down early tonight. We can all head home.”
“Thank God,” Hannah sighs, shoving her heels off and they hit the floor with a clunk. “My feet are fucking killing me.”
Michelle tosses her eyeliner down on the vanity in front of her and grabs a makeup wipe. “Maybe I can get home in time to tuck my kids in for bed. They were so mad when I had to leave for work earlier.”
“What about you, Row?” Jen asks. “Any big plans for your suddenly free evening?”
I shake my head, trying to ignore the burning in my chest as I think about the empty apartment I’ll be going home to. “Nope. Ash flew up to Juneau to see his parents for the holiday and won’t be back until tomorrow so it’s just me and my Netflix account tonight.”
“Girl,” Hannah says, shaking her head. “That’s even better. Stop and grab yourself a bottle of wine and get a little “you” time.”
Nodding, I turn back to my mirror and pull off my fake eyelashes with a sigh. “I might just have to do that.”
It really doesn’t sound all that appealing but then again, nothing does. There is nowhere in this town I want to be and very few places that I feel comfortable anymore. I guess it sounds better than sitting at home and thinking about all of the shit I’ve been trying to avoid all night long. And it sure as hell sounds better than being here.
As the girls start getting ready to go home, moving in a flurry of activity around me, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me or the growing darkness creeping into my eyes more and more everyday and I sigh, dropping my head as I fight back tears again.
“Ten minutes, girls!” Mr. Alexander calls and I suck in a breath, wiping away a stray tear as I stand up and walk back to my locker, grabbing my bag out of the bottom. I change clothes as quickly as possible before pulling my boots on and shoving all of my things back into my bag.
“How did you do tonight?” Jen asks with disgust in her voice and I pull the bills out of my bag before quickly counting it and sighing.
“Ninety bucks.”
She sighs. “Well, you did better than me. I’m going to have to pull an extra shift this week just to make up for this shit show of a night.”
“Yeah,” I answer, already exhausted as I think about spending an extra night here to make up for the money I didn’t make today. As it is, I already work five nights a week and I desperately need the other two away from this place to keep me sane.
“I think the girls in the bar did better than we did tonight.”
I scoff. “I’m not surprised. Everyone was more interested in drowning their sorrows than watching us dance.”
“Tomorrow will be better,” she mutters to herself and I can’t help but smile. I’ve known Jen for a few years now and that is always something she says whenever she has a bad night, her way of letting it all go so she doesn’t take the stress of the day home with her. At first, I thought it was silly but over time, I found myself doing the same and it usually works pretty well.
“All right,” I sigh, standing up and grabbing my bag off of the bench. “I’m going to head home. See you tomorrow.”