She nods with a smile. “Have a good night, Rowan.”
“Two minutes, girls,” Mr. Alexander calls as the rest of the girls pack up and I weave my way through the dressing room toward the back door before stepping outside. Cold air smacks me in the face and I shiver, pulling my coat tighter around my body as I walk across the snow-covered lot to my car. Snowflakes whirl around me and I can’t help but smile. I’ve always loved the snow and when I was little, I would wait all year for the first big storm so my dad and I could build a snowman or have a snowball fight. Now, every time it snows, I get this bittersweet feeling in my chest because as much as I love all of the memories I have with my dad, it still hurts like hell. My mind drifts to my most recent loss and tears sting my eyes as I try to breathe through the pain.
Glancing up, I spot my car in the back of the lot and hit the button on my key fob to unlock the car as I quicken my pace, fighting back more memories. Fuck. This past month has been absolute hell and I really don’t know how much more I can take. When I reach the car, I open the door and slip behind the wheel before starting it and crossing my arms over my chest to ward off the cold. Another wave of pain washes through me as I glance over at the passenger seat and a few tears slip down my cheeks. Wiping them away, I grit my teeth and turn away as I tell myself to buck up but it’s too damn late. More memories rush through my mind, reminding me of everything I’ve lost and I turn to the passenger seat again, my gaze falling on the urn with my mother’s ashes and the envelope of death certificates I picked up two days ago as a sob rips through me.
I’ve lost everything.
The pain only intensifies as I remember the day I got the call. It all started off so normal that it’s still hard to believe that it’s real three weeks later but the ashes next to me are proof that this hell is my new reality. Shaking my head, I remember waking up that morning around eleven after working late the night before and walking into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. My boyfriend, Ash, was already gone for work and as soon as I crawled back into bed with my steaming mug of caffeine, the phone rang. My mom’s picture popped up on the screen but when I answered it, I didn’t recognize the voice on the other end of the line. He told me my mother was in the hospital and I needed to get there as soon as possible but he wouldn’t say anything else. The entire time I was getting ready and racing across town, I just kept telling myself that she was okay but as soon as I walked through the ER doors and saw the look on everyone’s face, I knew the truth.
I struggle to take a breath as the tears overwhelm me and I press a hand to my chest like I can somehow stop the onslaught of pain but it’s useless. My mind flicks back to the moment I walked into the room and saw my mom lying on the table with a sheet pulled up to her chest. There was a tube in her mouth that wasn’t connected to anything and her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping, and my mind struggled to connect the dots until the doctor came in and told me he was sorry for my loss. Everything else happened in a blur. I remember hitting my knees and the loud, aching sob that ripped through me as nurses surrounded me to try and bring me some comfort. Somehow, I got back home and I remember calling my brother to tell him but the words got stuck in my throat and I didn’t know how to say that our mom was dead and we were all alone.
My gaze flicks to the mountain range where my dad’s plane went down when I was a kid and I shake my head, another desperate sob swamping me. I’m an orphan and if it wasn’t for my brother, Lincoln, I would have absolutely no one. Despite living in Ketchikan my entire life, I don’t really have any friends here because they all either moved away or proved to not be good for me and if it wasn’t for Ash holding me together these last few weeks, I don’t know what I would have done. I met Ash three years ago and in a way, I think he saved me. At that point, I had been stripping for a year and I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. There was something about him that reminded me of who I truly was and grounded me again but he also never tried to force or manipulate me to quit dancing. He was everything I needed and it was so damn easy to fall in love with him. When we moved in together last year, I was certain that he was my forever but things have been off between us lately and I know that’s my fault. With everything I’ve been going through, I haven’t exactly been myself and I’ve leaned on him more than ever before but it seems like the more I lean, the more he pulls away. I just hope it’s not too late to fix things.
Shaking my head, I suck in a breath and wipe more tears from my face as I watch the snow fall onto the windshield, each one a little different than the one before. I need to make a change, pull myself out of this funk, but I just don’t know how. More than anything, I wish Lincoln was here but he lives over thirty-five hundred miles away with his wife in Louisiana and it’s been almost a year since the last time I saw him. Leaning my head back against the seat, I remember the phone call from him a few days ago, urging me again to move down to Baton Rouge. It’s the same thing he’s been saying since Mom died three weeks ago but I’ve been putting him off. I have to wonder, though… what the hell is even keeping me here in Alaska anymore?
Obviously, I have Ash but I can’t see anything keeping him here either. Maybe we could make the move together… Ketchikan is my home, though. I’ve never been anywhere else and the thought of moving across the country scares the hell out of me. Shaking my head, I push the thoughts from my mind and wipe the tears from my face before clearing the snow from my windshield and pulling out of my parking space. As I pull out of the lot, I turn toward home and sigh. More than anything, what I need right now is to get to my apartment, crawl into my big comfy bed, and forget about this awful fucking day.
“Tomorrow will be better,” I whisper, nodding to myself as my lip wobbles but I manage to get control of it before it dissolves into full blown tears again. Ash and I don’t live too far from the club and I’m almost to my apartment when I see a gas station that’s still open. Hannah’s advice from earlier pops into my mind and I smile before pulling into the lot. Jumping out of my car, I run into the store, grab a bottle of wine, and pay the clerk before walking back out. As I set the bottle in the passenger seat, I glance over at the urn again and suck in a breath as I back out of my parking spot and turn out onto the road. This and the stash of chocolate I have hidden in the kitchen is exactly what I need to unwind and after the fog I’ve been walking around in for the last few weeks, it feels good to just do something for myself. As I pull into my usual parking spot outside of the general store, I glance up at my studio apartment on the second floor and frown.
Did I leave that light on?
God, I have been so scatter-brained lately that I probably did. Shaking my head, I grab my bottle of wine and eye the urn, contemplating grabbing it, too, before I change my mind. I know it’s stupid but a part of me feels like as soon as I take my mother’s ashes into my home, it all becomes real and I am not ready for that yet. At least, while she stays in the front seat of my car, there are moments when I can avoid thinking about the fact that she is gone. Sighing, I turn off the car and jump out. The sound of waves crashing against the shore greets me and I close my eyes as a feeling of calm washes through me.
When Ash and I were apartment hunting a little over a year ago, one of my favorite things about this place, besides the fact that we didn’t really have any neighbors was that it is right on the water. From anywhere in the apartment, I can hear the ocean and if I want to look out across the water, all I have to do is walk into my kitchen and stand in front of the window. Even in the chaos of the past three weeks, being able to hear the waves crash against the rocks and see the water has calmed me and made me feel like maybe I’m not drowning in my pain. Opening my eyes, I glance up at the window as I turn for the stairs but stop short. Two shadows dance across the glass, coming together and wrapping their arms around each other as my heart starts to thunder in my chest.