‘Thanks.’ I wasn’t rising to her.
‘Hey, I just thought of something really cool,’ she said, positioning herself onto the sunlounger.
I looked at her over my sunglasses. ‘What?’
‘You should take photos of your kids and start your own mummy Instagram. Stay-at-home suburban mummy with pretty kids trying to lose weight… or something?’
I pushed my glasses back up. ‘Yeah, fat, middle-aged mum who makes beds for a living,’ I said, sarcastically.
‘You could have something there, Clare. Let me know if you need any help,’ she said with a smile.
I didn’t answer her. It seemed any hopes I’d had of ever being friends had vanished. I couldn’t figure out why she seemed to have taken against me so much. It wasn’t like I was a threat to her.
‘Oh no, I haven’t upset you again, have I?’ She sighed theatrically. ‘Honestly, she’s so sensitive, isn’t she, Joy?’
Joy was engrossed in her book and briefly looked up and smiled, which I’m sure Ella took as an affirmative.
‘Not sensitive at all,’ I said, and closed my eyes so she’d know the conversation was over.
What was her game?
* * *
Later, when we all sat together to eat the meal that Joy and I had spent all afternoon preparing, Ella asked Joy what was in the sauce and how we’d cooked the vegetables.
‘Clare cooked the vegetables,’ Joy said.
‘Nothing special, just steamed over slightly salted water, a knob of butter and seasoning and they were done.’ I smiled.
‘Oh wow, so much salt – and butter, Clare?’ she gasped, and looked at Jamie.
‘There isn’t that much,’ I said. ‘Anyway, a little butter and a sprinkle of salt doesn’t do anyone any harm.’
‘Clare. Human beings weren’t meant to eat salt – and yeah, a little butter is fine, but, honey, you’ve drenched these carrots.’ She smiled sweetly at me.
‘Oh, sorry.’ I continued to eat. I wasn’t going to rise to this.
‘No, I’m sorry, that was rude of me – I mean, I can’t expect everyone to understand clean eating.’
‘You mean you have nothing processed?’ I asked, doubtfully.
‘Absolutely, and I try to eat wholefoods, often raw. And I’m vegan – I eat nothing with a face.’ She stared pointedly at the juicy lamb I was biting into – I almost heard the ‘baa’ – and the look she passed at me across the table made me feel like a cannibal. For a moment I considered putting down the next forkful of lamb, but then told myself I wasn’t going to allow a woman who’d arrived only the day before to make me feel guilty about eating. This was a dinner I’d helped to cook in a very hot kitchen on a hot afternoon which she’d spent on a sunlounger, photographing herself.
I continued to chew slowly and smiled at her. I liked my family to eat well and was an animal lover too. But I enjoyed eating meat and I resented how she made me feel about that. I was about to say something, then remembered our conversation earlier that day – her veiled threat – so I smiled through it, and continued to eat and chat and pretend she wasn’t there. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable in her company. I felt so defensive, but I couldn’t respond because I wasn’t sure what she might say, in front of everyone. If this was just another of Jamie’s girlfriends, I would politely avoid her. But Ella was married to Jamie, she was family. Not only was she now a Taylor, she was coming back home with us, like an unwanted souvenir. We wouldn’t be saying goodbye at the airport – this was for life.
After the lamb dinner, Dan and I put the children to bed and he suggested we go for a walk together, and thinking perhaps it would be romantic, I jumped at it. But, apparently, he hadn’t been driven by desire to take me into the garden at ten o’clock at night to kiss under the stars.
‘Clare, I brought you out here because… I have something to confess and you’re not going to like it,’ he started.
‘You’re not seeing… her again, are you?’ I heard myself ask. The breath had been taken from me.
‘No, no, it isn’t anything like that. It’s just that… well, I was feeling bad for Jamie and Mum asked if we minded them having our bedroom, as it’s their honeymoon.’
I just looked at him; he knew as much as I did how important it was for us to be together on this holiday. However persuasive Joy had been, surely after everything, he wasn’t going to just give up our room, our chance to get our marriage back on track? It made me wonder if he’d meant what he said about wanting to stay in the marriage.
Our relationship hadn’t always been smooth, of course, but, really, it was discovering he’d cheated on me with a woman half his age less than three months before that had really made things fall apart between us.
Chapter Nine
‘I’m sorry, but what else could I say?’ Dan sighed, when I didn’t speak. ‘It’s only a bedroom, and it’s only for another nine days.’
My dismay and disappointment turned to anger and resentment. ‘It’s not only a bedroom. It is so much more, after everything that’s happened.’
‘I know, I know. But you know what Mum’s like, she wants something and she just keeps on until she gets it. She feels bad because they didn’t have the big wedding like we did.’
‘That was their choice.’
‘Ssshhh, they’ll hear you,’ he said, turning to look back at the villa. Through the window, I could see them all sitting at the table, could hear the faint laughter, the chink of glasses, and here we were outside in the unbearable heat, both pulling in opposite directions.
‘What’s this really about, Dan?’ I asked. ‘Is it about appeasing your mother, or your brother? Or is it just that our marriage isn’t important to you? Do you want to sleep alone so you can think about her?’
‘Stop it, Clare. I’ve told you it was a mistake,’ he said, irritated.
‘A mistake that went on for months.’
‘I gave her up, didn’t I?’ He said this like he’d done me a bloody favour.
‘You gave her up because you didn’t want the inconvenience of leaving me. And upsetting your mother and the kids.’
‘Please, Clare, not again. This isn’t about us, about what happened. It’s about me and you doing something nice for my brother and his new wife. Mum put me under pressure, yes – but at the same time I agree with what she said. Jamie and Ella, they’re newly-weds and they should have a double room. It’s their honeymoon!’
I didn’t respond. I was in that no man’s land of wanting to push him away, and hold him tight. He’d hurt me so much, I couldn’t tell the difference between love and pain any more.
‘Look, it could be just as romantic as the double if you and I shared the small bed?’ he tried, with a smile. Dan said a lot of nice things, he had the same charm as his brother, he just used it more sparingly, probably saving it for the twenty-somethings. I wasn’t buying it this time. I’d known Dan for too long to be swept away by his flirting and flattering. I just wanted a husband who was honest, who I could trust.