‘She won’t accept it was nothing,’ he’d told me. ‘She’s been calling me at work, making things difficult – texting me at all hours.’ Dan explained that she was a fantasist, virtually a stalker, she couldn’t leave him alone and he was genuinely worried about me and the kids being caught in the crossfire.
I was devastated. I’d ranted and raved and cried and beat his chest with my fists, leaving bruises and hating myself for becoming that woman. But as Joy, who’d been aware of the calls to work, pointed out, we had two young children, were both exhausted from sleepless nights, so it was no wonder he’d strayed – we weren’t connecting. Dan said it was a terrible mistake, he’d learned his lesson and it would never happen again.
So I bought it, deciding it wasn’t worth losing a marriage, splitting a family, for a silly mistake. Besides, I had my own problems by then, and I didn’t want anyone discovering what I’d been hiding, so accepted what had happened and tried to make my marriage work.
But it wasn’t plain sailing. There’d been some calls to our landline at home, and when I picked up, nothing, just silence, it was really creepy. I couldn’t be sure, but I assumed it was Carmel trying to make contact with Dan; he said to ignore it but I found it quite distressing. One day when Joy had popped round to see the children the phone rang and again I was greeted with silence. By now I was so freaked out by this, I wanted to cry.
Joy saw the way I was. ‘Is it her?’ she asked quietly.
I nodded.
‘Tell her you know about her, he’s told you she’s nothing – and you’re pregnant.’
‘I know everything,’ I repeated, trying not to let her hear the tears in my voice, while my heart beat out of my chest. ‘Dan’s told me you meant nothing.’
Joy was silently urging me on, smiling, her hand on my arm.
‘I’m pregnant with our third child,’ I added, trying to compose myself.
There was a slight noise on the other end, it sounded like crying. I put the phone on speaker so Joy could hear.
‘He told me he was single… I didn’t know he was married,’ she said then through tears.
‘Tell her she’s a stupid little girl… tell her to go away and he doesn’t care, never has,’ Joy was whispering at my side. ‘Threaten her with the police.’
‘Go away, you stupid little girl,’ I repeated. ‘And if you don’t stop this now, we’ll go to the police and report you for harassment,’ I added, then slammed down the phone.
God bless Joy. She was on my side and wanted my marriage to work as much as I did and, what’s more, was prepared to get rid of anything that might endanger that. After that incident with the first girl, Joy had said, ‘Don’t let Dan’s midlife blip ruin everything.’ She was right, of course, so in the same spirit of onward and upward, I was now here, trying to make good out of the second, more recent affair. But, in truth, it had been agony, and in the weeks after I found out, I became very anxious. I imagined them together in the office, having secret trysts over lunch, and if he was late home, my anxiety was through the roof.
After the failed date nights, the anxiety and dealing with my own issues, I felt like there was nothing else for it but to give up. Surely life didn’t have to be this hard? I told Dan I wanted a divorce, I couldn’t do this any more. Dan told his parents – there were times when I felt like he couldn’t do anything without his mother’s support or approval – and Joy was round in a matter of minutes.
‘Don’t try to talk me out of this, Joy,’ I’d said. ‘I’m taking the kids – that’s it, I’ve had enough, I can’t live like this. He may have finished with her, but she’s still in our marriage.’
‘Sweetie, that’s nonsense,’ she’d sighed. I remember she was holding both my hands in hers, while desperately trying to downplay my husband’s treachery. ‘I know you’re hurt, but this isn’t just about you, and how it makes you feel – think of the children. Family is what’s important, Clare,’ she’d said. I remember seeing tears in her eyes, and it occurred to me that in the ten years I’d known her, I’d never seen Joy cry. Even on our wedding day. ‘If you left this family… Well.’ She’d sniffed and turned her face away. ‘For me and Bob, you’re the daughter we never had. It would be terrible, for all of us. We’d be ripped apart. Children need their mother.’ At the time, I’d felt so lost, so alone since finding out about Dan’s affair, my friends told me I was stupid for staying, that I should get out, but here was Joy telling me I had a family, and I was so bloody grateful. But since then I’ve wondered, was this a threat of excommunication from the Taylors’ inner sanctum? Was Joy suggesting that by leaving Dan I’d be saying goodbye to everyone… even my children?
‘I can’t forgive him while Marilyn’s still in his orbit,’ I’d said to Joy, who nodded and poured more gin.
‘Don’t worry about Marilyn,’ she said.
I don’t know exactly what happened, but the next day Marilyn left Taylor’s. Even in my anger, I felt guilty that someone might have lost their job, but I didn’t want details of Marilyn’s departure. I was just happy at the speed with which she was dispatched. It reminded me how fiercely loyal Joy could be – especially when it concerned one of her family. I remember thinking, I wouldn’t want to ever make an enemy of my mother-in-law.
And now, months later, under a starry Italian sky, I was coming some way to accepting what happened. And with Marilyn out of the way, I was beginning to believe Dan and I had a chance. I was trying with all my might to help the tiny seed of hope inside me grow, to remind myself of his promise that this wouldn’t happen again. This was naïve on my part I know, but I loved him and didn’t want to throw our marriage away if there was the glimmer of a chance for us. This wasn’t just about me, it was about my family, and there was too much at stake for me to give up… and yet at the same time I was also seeing things slightly differently, and it was causing me to question my faith.
Now, in the dark by the pool, I sat alone, still damp, remembering how earlier that evening he’d kissed the back of my hand when I’d said something funny. We’d posed for photos, and smiled at each other, almost flirtatiously. If I’d been watching us, I’d have envied this blissfully happy couple who couldn’t wait to be alone together. But the reality was quite different, and I wondered if it was all for show – was Dan trying to convince himself and his family – mainly Joy – that the wheels hadn’t come off?
He’d never been demonstrative, or passionate with me, and I assumed that was just how Dan was. He’d been kind and loving to me, but I’d seen something different in his eyes when he’d talked about Marilyn. I’d seen a glimpse of what he could be, and I wanted all of him, I wanted what the air stewardess and Marilyn had seen, not the Dan he chose to show to me and his family. What I failed to realise last summer was that our marriage hadn’t healed, it was a façade of meaningless smiles captured in framed photographs on Joy’s mantlepiece.
Chapter Eleven