That night, after Dan left me in the pool, I felt abandoned. I really thought he’d have come back, if only to check I was okay. But he didn’t and it made me angry and defiant, so I jumped back into the cool, dark water. I wanted to swim, to hide, to forget about everything and everyone and be alone without any worries, just me and the water.
The moon was high, sending only a spotlight onto the pool, leaving the rest inky black, and deep. I propelled my body through the dark, waiting for the release, the sweet freedom that came with swimming, but it never came. After a few more minutes, I saw the silver handrail glinting faintly in the dimness and I grabbed for it, but my hands were slippery and I fell back into the water. The drink allowed me to relax, to let the water take my weight, and I just sank into it. The sensation was lovely: a magic feeling of drifting but at the same time being held; it was like a freedom I’d never experienced before.
A noise suddenly pierced the watery silence – a rustling in the trees. It was probably just the late-evening breeze wiping some of the heat from the earth’s surface, but I suddenly felt vulnerable. My dress, a pool of silk, lay where I’d left it, when I’d tried to entice my husband into the water. He’d made me feel foolish, but, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stay out here all night. I had to go inside that villa and play my part, pretend that everything was okay. I grabbed the handrail and levered myself out of the water.
I picked up my dress and sandals from the side, and like a child who’d been left behind after swimming, made my way back to the house.
I was saddened to see that Dan hadn’t even left the front door ajar for my return. It made me realise how alone I’d been out there, how even if I had yelled, no one would have heard me with the door closed. The windows had also been closed tight in the vain hope that the rickety old air con might be seduced into bringing some coolness to the incessant, overbearing August heat. The family were cool and safe on the inside, while I’d been left on the outside.
I turned the big, brass handle. This was an ancient, heavy door that creaked and moaned, and was not easy to open quietly, but I tried and, putting my weight behind it, finally managed to move it and get inside. Walking into more darkness, the silence was even thicker, no rustling trees, no lonely owl hooting in the distance, just velvet quiet. Lamplight from the living room was creeping under the door, providing a sliver of much-needed guidance in the dark while I tried to find a switch for the hall light. I didn’t want to disturb whoever was in there. I was wet through and not in the mood to explain why, though it was probably Bob; he often stayed up late. I imagined him relishing a cheeky cigar, a rare moment of peace, with Joy safely upstairs, blinded by the pink silk eye mask, her face bound in Crème de la Mer.
I ran both hands along the wall like a mime artist, when the silence was suddenly broken by voices, women’s voices coming from inside the room. It must be Joy and Ella, and I guessed they might be drinking gin and tonic and it occurred to me that even half-dressed and damp I could knock and go in. Instead of being embarrassed about what had happened, I could make it work for me. I could tell them I had fancied a moonlight swim, but Dan was too tired. Joy and I would laugh about the lack of romance in our men and Ella might thaw slightly and see I wasn’t a boring mother of three, that I could be a little wild when I wanted to be. I might even be the glue in our new relationship. I could help Ella be accepted into the fold more easily and she might soften towards me, and I wouldn’t have to endure her spiky comments and rather intimidating threats.
So I walked down the hall, barefoot and dripping, knowing that towels were kept in a linen basket just outside the living room. I moved towards the door and, I don’t know why, hesitated before knocking, and just as I lifted my hand to do so, I heard my name mentioned. My instinct naturally was to hang on, to try and hear what came next – looking back, I suppose I didn’t completely trust Joy, and I certainly didn’t trust Ella.
‘—But she’s a good mother,’ Joy was saying. It was the ‘but’ that preceded the comment that bothered me. What could possibly have been said before that? And by whom?
‘Oh, I’m sure she is. I’m sure she’s a wonderful mum. Your grandchildren are super adorable,’ Ella oozed. ‘And Dan, he’s a great dad,’ Ella’s cutesy little voice added. ‘Alfie’s so like his dad, isn’t he?’ She continued with the small talk, the flattery.
‘Oh, he’s the spitting image,’ Joy gloated. ‘Dan was just like Alfie at his age too. I’m a proud mother and grandmother.’
The conversation then moved on to Ella’s travels, and how she knew Jamie was the One – ‘As soon as I saw him, I knew, I just knew. He has the most amazing eyes, like blue pools.’
Christ, I almost puked. She went on about how wonderful he was and I could almost imagine Joy’s chest rising in pride, and when she asked if Ella would like another gin, I realised my new sister-in-law didn’t need any help from me in being welcomed into the family, and right on cue she said, ‘Joy, I feel so lucky, not just to have met Jamie, but to be part of this family.’
‘And we’re delighted to have you,’ Joy answered. A clink of ice, a thank you from Ella, another gin.
Unable to take any more of Ella’s creeping, I was just about to leave, when I heard her say, ‘And you’re not bossy at all.’
‘Bossy, dear?’
‘Yeah, Clare said you were super bossy and not to let you take over, but I just don’t see that, Joy.’
I almost died on the spot. I had said this but only when cajoled into it by Ella. To me it had been a bonding thing between two sisters-in-law, but repeated to Joy it sounded so mean.
‘Oh, I’m sorry she feels that way,’ Joy said, and I could imagine her pinched lips; this would have hurt her. ‘I try to help – in fact I think I’ve helped her quite a bit. She’s obviously misinterpreting my help as being bossy. But I have never tried to take over…’
‘Of course not. I can see that, Joy. Clare’s lovely – but so insecure, it must be like walking on eggshells for you, and for Dan too.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had this urge to rush in and explain myself. I knew Joy and I knew how this would make her feel about me; our relationship had been built on years of me being careful not to upset her, only to be smashed in one sentence.
‘I do worry about Clare and Dan,’ Joy conceded, and I held my breath, hoping she wasn’t going to tell this new girl all about my mess of a marriage. ‘Clare especially. She’s a little fragile… on the defensive at the moment, especially with someone as attractive as you.’
‘Oh gosh, I’m not a threat to anyone.’
‘No, of course not.’ There was a pause, and then she said, ‘I hope you don’t think I’m bossy, Ella?’ she asked, returning to the subject. The comment had clearly hit a nerve.
‘Not for a minute. In fact, I think you might be the best mother-in-law a girl could have… especially as my own mother isn’t here any more.’
‘Oh love, Jamie mentioned that you had no family. You’re young to be without a mother, when did you lose her?’
There was a silence, and then Ella said in a broken voice, ‘Years ago.’