‘You know as well as I do that even if you could prove Freddie was yours, it wouldn’t be worth the carnage. Dan would divorce me, he’d never speak to you again,’ I said, waving to Violet sitting with her dad at the other side of the pool. ‘And Joy and Bob… imagine. Then the kids, think of the kids, their world would end – especially Freddie’s.’
‘But like Ella says, this is all about you and Dan and the kids… but have you ever really thought about how I feel? What about me, Clare?’
‘Of course I’ve thought about your feelings, but it isn’t like we planned any of it. If Freddie is yours, then it’s just a chance, a weird moment in time and biology that happened,’ I said. ‘You and I went our separate ways and the fact I was pregnant was my issue – mine and Dan’s – and, Jamie, it has to stay that way,’ I said urgently. ‘Please Jamie, for Freddie’s sake, if no one else’s.’
‘What if I don’t want it to? What if I want to be Freddie’s dad?’
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this. ‘Since when?’
‘Since Ella made me realise what I’ve missed, how I might never have another child.’
I suddenly realised that perhaps it wasn’t Ella who was likely to divulge the secret, it might be Jamie. I turned around to face him. I needed to be very clear on this. ‘Freddie has a dad. You’ve always known there’s a chance you might be… but until now you were happy to go on with your life with no responsibilities, no questions to answer. Trust me Jamie, it’s best for all of us that we carry on. To say something would mess up all our lives. I don’t understand why Ella’s encouraging you to dig all this up, she needs to keep out.’
‘Ella’s “digging all this up” because she cares about me. She can see how I am with Freddie, she says he’s the spit of me, and we’re so happy around each other, and I shouldn’t be denied this just because it’ll make things difficult for you.’
‘It isn’t just about me – God, I wish it were only about me. It’s about everyone – imagine how devastated your parents would be?’ I hissed under my breath. ‘Surely you can see this is just another game to Ella.’
He had this closed look on his face; he didn’t want to hear it, like she’d brainwashed him. ‘You’re wrong. Ella wants this for me because she loves me, and I agree with her. I should be allowed to celebrate being a dad, not deny it, like it’s a dirty little secret.’
‘Ella’s phrase. She uses it a lot about the night we spent together – but it isn’t something I view as a dirty secret. And nor is Freddie.’
‘So let’s bring it out in the open then, let’s stop hiding it.’
I was sweating, and it wasn’t just from the sun. My heart was thumping, and I could barely breathe. Please no, was all that filled my head.
‘But we don’t know he’s yours – and it isn’t just a case of paternity, you slept with your brother’s wife, I slept with my husband’s brother – so much damage.’ I sighed, a big heavy sigh.
The sun had moved around and it felt like the world was sitting on my now-burning shoulders. Ella had now returned and was chatting to Dan. Standing right in front of him, legs apart, caressing her own neck as they talked. He said something and she threw back her head and laughed, then leaned towards him, touching his shoulder. I wasn’t sure if she was doing it to wind me up or make Jamie jealous, but either way I didn’t care. What she’d said to Jamie about claiming his right as a father was far more damaging to the family than any kind of flirting she could do with Dan.
I stood up. ‘I’m sorry – about all this. I hoped we’d be able to be happy, just get on with our lives Jamie,’ I said, ‘but that’s the last thing that Ella seems to want.’
I walked away, knowing this would always haunt us. It was going to be like holding back the tide, and I would only be able to keep this hidden for so long. Now someone else knew our secret, we’d never be free.
I headed along the side of the pool towards Dan, and when Ella saw me, she moved away from him and walked along the other side towards Jamie. My face was burning with anger and shame and guilt and I couldn’t even glance at her. I hated this woman for what she was doing to me, to my family. I’d managed to keep a lid on everything until she turned up with her wrecking ball encouraging Jamie to react, and in turn threatening the whole family.
I tightened my sarong, a nervous, self-conscious gesture as I imagined both men watching the two of us walking either side of the pool in opposite directions, and all I could think was how unfavourable the comparison would be. I sat down next to Dan, the kids playing happily in the water. Freddie sat by us in his water wings. I watched Ella from the corner of my eye, as she climbed onto Jamie’s sunlounger and snuggled up against him. I had to look away, my eyes stung and I felt this burning jealousy, not just because she had Jamie, but because she had what I’d once fleetingly had with Dan. And however hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get it back. And if Ella had her way, Dan and I would be finished.
‘Mummy, Mummy, come in the water with us?’ Alfie was saying.
‘Ask Daddy please,’ I said. I needed to compose myself. I felt nauseous after my conversation with Jamie and couldn’t think straight.
Dan reluctantly dragged himself off the lounger muttering something about, ‘No holiday with three kids,’ and jumped in the pool, where he was soon joined by Jamie, who immediately called for Freddie to jump in and he’d catch him.
‘Oh, he’s a bit little for that, Jamie,’ I said, getting up to stop Freddie just hurling himself in. But just as I reached Freddie, there she was. Ella already had his hand, and was guiding him to the edge.
‘Ella, don’t let him jump in,’ I said, trying not to sound unreasonable.
‘He’ll be fine, Clare,’ she said in a voice that should be accompanied with an eye roll, in fact it probably was – she didn’t look at me. She was looking at Jamie in the pool, both arms up like Freddie was a bloody beach ball to catch.
I rushed towards her, to grab Freddie, but before I could, she’d picked Freddie up under the arms and was now swinging him over the water, causing him to squeal with delight and me to shout, ‘NOOOO.’ But she didn’t flinch, just kept on rocking him backwards and forward and just as I reached out to physically stop her from doing this, she threw him to Jamie.
‘Ella, I asked you not to,’ I yelled in her face.
‘He’s fine!’ she shouted back. ‘Just chill, Clare.’
‘Clare, he’s fine,’ Dan called from the pool. Outnumbered by my own husband.
‘Unbelievable,’ I gasped. It was perilous to dangle a two-year-old over deep water, especially as her own sister had supposedly drowned. But it was about so much more than playing with Freddie. This was Ella making a parenting decision about him that was directly opposed to my wishes. If, further down the line, Jamie insisted on proof that he was Freddie’s biological father, who knew where that could lead. I couldn’t bear to think of the cosy little weekend visits Ella would insist on, even though she clearly had little regard for Freddie. No, I couldn’t let that happen. To her he was just a pretty picture for her Instagram.