I can feel her eyes on the side of my face as I turn on the road leading to the clubhouse, and I know she isn’t going to let me off the hook that easily.
“If I’ve been away from you for any length of time, you’re who I’d want to spend time with. I’m not going to want a beer or loud music. I’m going to want—”
My jaw snaps shut. Mentally, I feel like we’re on the same page, but Mia is miles away from being ready for the intimate stuff, and talking about it may only lead to her feeling that obligation I insisted she shouldn’t feel.
“What?” she prods. “What would you want?”
“Your touch. Your arms around me. I’ll want to look into your pretty eyes and be reminded why we continue to do what we do even though it’s dangerous.”
“I want that, too,” she whispers, and my heart is filled to the top and overflowing with all the good things life has to give by the time we pull up outside of the clubhouse.
I don’t want the night to end, so I don’t turn the SUV off after putting it into park. I wasn’t joking when I told her I wanted to spend all my time with her. Tonight is no different. The last two weeks of her being gone were just as bad as it would’ve been if I were the one gone.
“Has Jasmine been staying here with Max while Kingston is gone?” Mia asks, her eyes focused on the front of the clubhouse.
“Most nights. Max is working for Cerberus now, so he sticks pretty close in case they need something from him.”
“He seems happy,” she whispers. “With both of them. He and Kingston were best friends growing up, and when that friendship morphed into something else, the dedication was a tangible thing between the two of them. I envied them. I wanted that for myself, but then Kingston walked away from Max, and the devastation my brother felt was horrendous.” She sighs. “I think watching that made me leery of getting too serious, but it also made me complacent. It made me stay with Jason because I was afraid of how I’d feel without him. I was afraid of making a mistake.”
I take her hand, but she still looks off in the distance as if she can see more than just fields covered in darkness.
“I don’t think being here is a mistake, and if that means that my abduction had to happen for this series of events to play, for me to be right here with you in this moment, then that may not be a mistake either. And that scares the shit out of me. Does it make me crazy?”
She finally turns her head, and I hate the tears clinging to her lower lashes.
“No. Not at all. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The good, the bad, the tragic. The sequence of events in our lives happen when they’re supposed to. I think it’s a very enlightened way of thinking for you to be able to accept that.”
She chuckles. “Really?”
I shrug. “Kincaid made me see a shrink for an evaluation after Venezuela. Dr. Alverez said some things that made a lot of sense. I’ve had a couple of appointments with her in the last two weeks, and she’s helping me work through my own shit.”
“I think Camryn mentioned her to me once. I may have to take her suggestion and make an appointment myself.”
I squeeze her hand one more time before releasing it to turn the SUV off. “I think that’s an amazing idea. Let’s get inside. I know you have to be tired after traveling all day.”
The clubhouse is silent when we walk inside, so I make sure to lock the door behind us. I’m dragging my feet toward the hallway, and I can tell Mia is, too. Neither one of us wants to say goodnight, but I stop outside of her door, anyway.
“Thank you for dinner,” she says as she turns to face me.
“Anytime. I’m glad we got a lot of things settled.”
Like ripping off a Band-Aid and trying to get this over with so I can go to my room and question myself on the million other ways I wish this night would go, I lean down and press my mouth to hers. I’m planning a nice, quick kiss, something that will leave me wanting more than I already do, but Mia has other plans. Her fingers tangle in the front of my shirt as she lifts up onto the tips of her toes to deepen it.
It’s my turn to gasp, allowing her seeking tongue entrance to my mouth. Just like I imagined earlier. She still releases that tiny moan, though. Pulling her against me, I angle my head. Jesus, she feels amazing against me, and I’d love nothing more than to lift her feet from the ground and carry her to my room. I still have two weeks of suspension left, and I can think of a few dozen things we could do to fill the time.
But then she pulls away, blinking up at me like something has changed right before her eyes.
“Sleep well, Sweet Mia,” I whisper, brushing my lips across her cheek because I just have to touch her one more time.
“You, too,” she pants, and I have to walk away before I make myself a liar. Yes, I’m a patient man, but she’s a temptation I can barely resist.
Her bedroom door clicks closed just as I enter my own room. I’m exhausted, the weight of being without her the last two weeks has lifted, reminding me just how little sleep I’ve gotten while she was away, but I also know that I’ll drive myself mad by morning time with her being so close and still just out of reach.
Stripping down to my boxer briefs, I climb between the cool sheets and sigh. My eyes focus on the wall that separates our rooms, but eventually, my eyes flutter closed. Dreaming about her is a much better option than lying here awake and pining for her.
The clock on my bedside table reads two am when my bedroom door creaks open.
When Mia steps inside of my room, I’m well aware that I need to ask her to leave. My strength only goes so far, and her confessions and deciding that we want to be together have used up every ounce of my reserves.
I don’t ask her to leave. I knew that if I did, I’d just end up following her to her room to admit my mistake.
Chapter 32
Mia
I ignore the voice in my head that’s telling me to turn back around and leave his room. That voice has done me wrong so many times over the last couple of weeks, and I’m learning to ignore it. At least, I’m doing my best. The whispers in my head are lying. He does want to spend time with me. He does want the same things I do. He doesn’t despise me. He doesn’t wish I’d stayed in Louisiana, nor does he wish he’d never met me.
So, I ignore the self-esteem issues I’ve been struggling with and walk closer to his bed. He knows I’m here. He’s too much of a soldier to let anyone sneak up on him. His body tensed when the tiny stream of light from the hallway hit the end of his bed, but he remains silent.
Then I see him looking up at me, and even though I’m ignoring those voices in my head, I don’t miss the expression on his face that’s telling me without a doubt that he’s torn between welcoming me into his arms and asking me to leave.
He doesn’t want me to leave because he doesn’t want me here. He’s afraid that I’ll do something I’ll regret later, and he never wants me to feel regret where he’s concerned. He said as much during dinner tonight.
I open my mouth to tell him that I feel like a fool, but when I give that thought a breath of life, I realize that I don’t feel that way at all. I’m not here because I’m scared to sleep alone. I’m here, standing in his room because I want to be next to him. He thinks I want slow, but he has to realize that we’ve been doing slow for weeks and weeks. My presence in his room isn’t moving fast. It isn’t taking things too far too soon. This is the right speed. The perfect speed.