I bite my lip to force myself to pause because my words are rushing out, and I’m saying too much too fast and I don’t want to lose him or cheapen the moment.
“You’ve held me in your arms while ignoring your own body. You haven’t pushed me to take things further, and I know how hard that can be for a man, but you’re not controlled by desire and lust. You never once made me feel like you expected something of me when I asked you to give me things daily. I need the warmth of your body and your arms around me to feel safe. I needed your company, your stories, and when it was too much, I also needed some space. You gave that all to me without question. But you also followed me with your eyes. You’d watch me the way a man watches a woman he’s interested in, not like a man guarding someone he feels he has to protect.”
“I didn’t mean to look at you that way,” he interrupts, and my face falls.
Refusing to leave this diner confused or unsure of where we stand, I rush out, “Because you don’t see me that way or—”
His eyes sparkle. “No, I definitely see you that way, but I didn’t mean for that to show so soon.”
I cup his jaw with my hand, finally getting the chance to feel the rough stubble on his cheeks. “I want you to look at me that way, and even though I wasn’t ready to see you as more than a protector then. I am now.”
“Spell it out for me, Sweet Mia,” he begs.
“I want you in that way. I really like you, and I’m insanely attracted to you.”
“I missed you like crazy when you were gone. I was on the verge of going mad.”
“I handled it poorly,” I confess. “It won’t happen again.”
“It can’t.” He swallows again. “If we’re going to do this. If we’re going to be more than friends, I need to know where we stand at all times. I’ve already been suspended for a month.”
“Suspended?” I don’t mean to interrupt him, but he’s been dealing with more than I was even aware.
“Mistakes were made in South America,” he reminds me.
Like I could ever forget.
“There are consequences, and if they let me go back out in the field, I have to have my head on straight. I won’t ever stop worrying about you. It’s not ever going to be possible, but I need to be able to do my job without distractions. At least while I’m physically working.”
“If you want me to stay, I’m here. I love my parents, but I can’t ever see New Orleans being my home. There’s too much darkness, too many things tainting it for me. I know I was presumptuous coming back here, but I don’t want you to say things or promise things you aren’t a hundred percent sure of.”
He nods, looking relieved when the waitress returns to take our orders. The last time she stopped by, we hadn’t even looked at our menus. Right now is no different, but instead of asking her to come back again, Ryan orders for both of us. He must be aware of my current carb obsession because he orders me French toast with eggs and hash browns.
I hate the interruption because I feel like it derailed us, but then Ryan turns in his seat and clasps my hands, picking up right where we left off a few moments ago.
“I know I want you in my life. I know I want you in my bed.” His eyes dart between mine, and I wonder if he wants to say something that he feels like I’m not ready to hear. He said as much during our conversation while he was out of the country.
“Don’t hide the truth or your feelings from me,” I beg.
“I want everything you have to offer, and probably things you won’t be ready to give for a long time, if ever, but I want you to know I’m a patient man. Holding you, being near you soothes something in my soul I didn’t know needed soothing. But at the same time, I want your lips on mine. I want my mouth on every inch of your body. I want to remind you that physical pleasure is a good thing, but I don’t want to do anything until you’re ready. We’re taking this at your pace, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you feel obligated or you do something you’ll regret later. Just know that my cock is going to get hard, and I’m going to watch you like I can’t take my eyes off you because I can’t.”
“I dated Jason for eight years. For almost a decade, I spent nearly every day with the same man,” I tell him. “What I felt for him, what I thought I felt for him, doesn’t even begin to compare to what I feel for you. I’m not going to use the L-word right now because I don’t want to leap too soon, but this isn’t temporary for me. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and change my mind. I need to know that you aren’t either.”
His face softens as his grip on my hands grows. “Sweet Mia, I’m in this for the long haul.”
Chapter 31
Scooter
We talked at the diner for hours. After we got the heavy stuff out of the way, Mia shared bits and pieces of her past with me. She was guarded in some areas. She still doesn’t want to talk about her abduction or her time spent there, but I get the feeling that those things are easier discussed in the darkness where she can feel my warmth against her body for comfort.
When the waitress finally had enough of us taking up the table in her section, making it clear we should leave by removing our empty drink cups from the table rather than offering us another refill, we left.
I know we talked about not wondering where things were going or where we stand, but I delay getting her back to the clubhouse because I also insisted that we take things slow. I don’t know if our confessions over French toast and eggs trumps that insistence or if it’s still in place.
“We do a lot of community work around here,” I tell her as we drive through town. “We host cookouts at the park. We’ve taken our bikes to the fire department while they have canned food drives, so it draws more people in who want to get pictures. Cerberus organizes blood drives, and at least three times a year we do poker runs, and around Christmas, we do a toy run as well.”
“So, nothing like Sons of Anarchy?”
I snort a laugh. I know there are clubs out there that are hedonistic to their core. Ravens Ruin in Massachusetts comes to mind, but Cerberus isn’t like that at all. From inception, the club has been about helping and giving back. Hell, it’s part of the mission statement posted on the wall in the living room.
“The parties can get a little wild sometimes,” I tell her. “The guys like to blow off steam when they get home.”
“The guys?” She smiles at me with her eyebrows raised. “Not you?”
“Things are different now.”
I focus on driving, hoping she’ll drop it, but once Mia starts chatting, it’s hard to get her to stop.
“You don’t have to change things like that for me. I’m not telling you that I’m going to be right in the middle of it, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t do what you’d normally do just because we’re together.”
Together. Never before have three syllables sounded so damn good.
I clear my throat, wondering if I should tell her the full truth, and then I remind myself that she said not to hide from her. “Drinking beer and getting rowdy with the guys isn’t what I imagine doing when I get home from a mission.”