Something else I can’t afford to indulge in.
“This isn’t a good idea,” I grind out.
“Oh, I know.” She shifts, and suddenly she straddles my hips, settling over my erection on a low whimper.
Too far. This is way too far. I understand now what everyone was so worried about. What they all feared would happen over time. Because it is happening, right now, and I don’t want to stop it.
Reality hits hard when Lavender leans down, her hair sweeping across my chest, breath washing over my face. She still smells faintly of vodka. There’s a chance she’s half drunk, despite having been asleep for hours. It would make sense. Lavender generally isn’t this bold, at least not the old version of her.
I consider the ramifications of allowing this to happen, whatever this is. Lavender is still in high school. I can’t feasibly date a high school girl, let alone my best friend’s little sister—with whom I already have a tumultuous history.
And that’s just stating the really fucking obvious. There’s also how easy it will be for me to drag her right back down into my pit of hell where she depends on me to make everything okay.
We’re doomed. I’ll ruin her, just like they said I would. I don’t want to shatter someone who’s already cracked.
I take her hands in one of mine, gently—they’re so delicate, so warm, so fucking perfect—and sit up in a rush. “No, Lavender.”
I tip my head back, and her lips connect with my neck. “I can feel you, though,” she whispers against my skin, rolling her hips. “You want me.”
I can’t admit she’s right. I can’t tell her what she wants to hear, because then she’ll be under the false belief that one day, we’ll be able to be together. And we won’t. We can’t. If I break her again, I’ll never survive it. I barely did the first time around. So I do what I must to save her from me.
I slide my free hand into the hair at the nape of her neck and grip. For a moment I just breathe, aware this is the very last time I’ll ever have her like this—close, needy, vulnerable. And I hate myself for being too weak to love her without destroying her.
“I’m nineteen, Lavender. A breeze makes me hard. You show up in my room in the middle of the night, half-undressed, and climb into my lap. All I need is some friction, doesn’t matter who it’s from.”
She stiffens and tries to free her wrists. “You came to my room first.”
She’s right, but I won’t admit it. I drop my mouth to her ear. “What did you think would happen when you came in here? Did you think I would kiss you? Touch you?”
She flinches. “Kodiak, please.”
I drag the end of my nose along her cheek, loathing myself for this, and hating even more that I’m still hard. “Is that a yes, then?”
She swallows thickly. I can feel her throat working, trying to form sounds. Nausea rolls through me as I stroke down the side of her neck with my thumb. Her skin is damp, pulse thrumming violently.
“Shhhh,” I soothe and press my lips to her temple. I breathe her in, the sweet scent of her skin, her shampoo, her fucking fear, steeling myself for what I’m about to do. “Did you think we would be something to each other after all these years?”
She makes a choked sound, and I release her wrists so I can cup her face in my palms. Everything about the way I’m touching her is a contradiction to my words—tender versus cutting. She tries to turn her head away, but I hold her firmly. Her nightshirt rides perilously high on her thighs. She smells like a grown-up version of the girl I once loved, like lavender shampoo and desire.
And suddenly I’m angry—so full of rage that she still has this kind of power over me and doesn’t even know it. I’m pissed because I’ll never have the control I so desperately need to be good for her. “Look at me, Lavender.”
Her eyes dart around, and she keeps trying to twist her head away.
“Stop fighting and look at me,” I demand.
She stills, her breath coming hard and fast. I’m sure she’s on the verge of a panic attack, and I doubt she expected this when she came in here looking for me. I didn’t expect it to go this way either. Her body trembles. But her eyes, those bright blue eyes that haunt me relentlessly, finally meet mine—so full of fear and more pitifully, weak threads of hope.
I’m about to sever those forever.
Bile rises in my throat, but I force myself to continue. “I reject you time and time again, and still you want me.”
Her mouth forms the words please don’t but I can’t stop now. I need to nail the lid on this coffin. I need to be sure this is never going to happen again, because I won’t be able to say no next time, and I cannot take that risk with her.
“I need you to hear me, Lavender. Really listen to what I’m telling you.” I can’t stop myself from sweeping away her tears as they start to fall. Her chin trembles, and her teeth sink into her bottom lip, right where the scar is.
I tug at her lip with my thumb, not wanting her to cause more damage—other than what I’m about to do to her heart, anyway. “We aren’t good for each other.” I’m not good for you. “Say it back so I know you’re hearing me.”
She shakes her head and more tears fall, too fast for me to catch now.
“Yes, Lavender. You and me? Together, we’re toxic.” I will poison your pure soul. “Say it.”
She sucks in a shaky, gasping breath. She opens and closes her mouth three times before she finally whispers, so quiet it’s barely a sound, “We’re toxic.”
“That’s right.” I nod my approval, and my stomach churns. “You’re too needy, and I can’t deal with it.” I will drown you with my dependency.
She makes a tortured sound, her face crumpling, and I feel like I’m being stabbed through the heart with every breath she fights for. “I’m too needy.” This time it’s the shape of the words, with no sound.
I keep pushing, forcing the words out, even though it makes me feel like I’m being skinned alive. “We make each other worse, not better.” I don’t know how to love you without hurting you.
She starts sobbing, soundlessly, as is Lavender’s way. Her entire body quakes, and she tries to put her head down. It takes a full minute for her to compose herself enough to stutter out the words. “W-w-we m-make e-e-each other worse.”
“Good girl.” The praise is in direct opposition to the horrible lies I force her to repeat. “It was bad enough when we were kids. I can’t go through this shit again.” I won’t survive you leaving me, and that’s inevitable. “I don’t want you, and I never will.” I will never get over what I’m doing to you.
I can feel her caving in on me.
“I need to hear it, Lavender.” I fight not to stroke her cheek, not to press my lips to hers.
“Y-y-you don’t want me.”
“I can’t love you.” I will never stop loving you.
Lavender goes eerily still, and the light in her eyes dies, like a candle being snuffed by the wind. A terrifying calm settles around us. Her breath comes slow and even, unlike mine.
“Do you understand, Lavender?” The words feel like acid in my mouth.