I made it this way. It’s my fault.
I move toward the stairs leading up to Lavender’s bedroom. Her ivory tower. The untouchable princess. I take the stairs slowly, avoiding the ones that creak. Because I’ve come up here so many times since I moved in—sat outside the door, wanting to tell her the truth. Listened to the sound of her sewing machine humming, her soft voice when she sings her favorite songs.
It’s almost a travesty that so few people know what a beautiful voice she has. Almost. But I like that I still know so many of the pieces of herself she keeps hidden.
When she moved into the dorms, I broke down again and picked the lock so I could marinate in my own misery like I deserved.
I wrap my hand around the doorknob and press my forehead against the wood. The familiar scent of lavender permeates through. She’s always searching for the calm that’s so hard to find and hold on to, despite her name.
Her soft laugh makes my heart ache.
God. When was the last time I heard that sound?
Years, I’m sure.
It’s followed by silence, and a million scenes float through my head like a flipbook—all of them ones I don’t want to be real.
I turn the knob, and the door flies open. This should be the first sign I’m overreacting, but I’m already in panic mode, and rational thought has completely deserted me. All I want is to stop whatever this is—the spinning in my head, the fear that the damage I’ve done, and continue to do, has become completely irreparable.
Lavender is sitting on her bed, legs crossed. She’s lost the sweatshirt, leaving her in a tank top that shows way too goddamn much cleavage. Her back is to the headboard and Josiah mirrors her, elbows propped on his knees, their heads bent together. Her hand on his knee. Touching him.
“This is not happening!” I bark.
Lavender gives me a look like I’ve gone insane. “What the hell, Kodiak?”
“This right here is bullshit.” I point at Josiah. “You are so out of your league, you’re not even in the same fucking time zone.”
Lavender gapes at me. “Have you lost your damn mind? What do you think you’re doing?”
“What am I doing? What are you doing?” I flail like an idiot, motioning between them. On her fucking bed.
She lifts up her textbook. “Studying for a test, so you should take your meltdown elsewhere.”
“Bull-fucking-shit, Lavender.” I take another step into the room, submerging in her scent, in her everything. I need him gone, and I’ll do just about anything to make it happen. I sneer at her. “Does he know what you’re really like?”
“What’re you talking about?” Red creeps into her cheeks.
“Does he have any idea what you do when you’re alone?” I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, other than being pissed off and highly irrational.
“Other than sew and avoid you?”
Damn, I love how sassy she can be now. I scoff and hate myself before I’ve even had the chance to speak, this time to Josiah. “She’s not as innocent as you might think, are you, Lavender?”
It looks like his eyes are going to pop out of his head, and his hands are raised in the air, as if he’s being held at gunpoint. Lavender just looks confused.
My next course of action is damning in so many ways. For her. For me. I stalk over to her bed and stop beside the nightstand.
“Seriously, Kodiak, get out of my room.” Her voice wavers, a nervous edge to it.
I shake my head, pinning her with a malicious glare. “Don’t you think your friend deserves to know what he’s dealing with?” I grab the handle on the second drawer down.
In my head, I’m aware this is a terrible move, that it’s just going to screw things up even more, that I’m about to humiliate her in a way I probably can’t come back from, and that I’ve completely lost control—what little I had in the first place.
Her eyes flare with understanding and then narrow. “You fucker.”
I yank the drawer free and flip it over so the contents spill out, half landing on the bed, the other half tumbling to the floor at my feet.
Josiah’s eyebrows disappear into his hairline as he takes in the plethora of personal pleasure devices. The range is actually staggering, particularly when they’re not all crammed into a nightstand drawer. There are several small bottles of lube and an array of vibrators, dildos, and some oddly shaped thing I can’t figure out.
Lavender slow claps, her expression reflecting her annoyance. “Very dramatic, Kodiak.”
I’m actually shocked that she’s not a mess of incoherent nerves. In this case, that seems to be me.
Josiah scratches his temple and grins. “Damn, Lavender, you’re quite the handful, aren’t you?”
She smirks and rolls her eyes, like it’s some kind of inside joke. “My gigi is very pro self-exploration.”
“I don’t know who Gigi is, but I’d love to meet her.”
“She’s my grandma, and she’s awesome—a little too into the overshare, but you’d love her.”
I make some kind of sound, sort of like a rabid animal, because this isn’t going at all like I’d planned. Granted, I didn’t have much of a plan in the first place, but the two of them chatting about her grandmother while surrounded by a drawer full of sex stuff wasn’t anywhere on my list of possibilities.
They both glance at me and then each other. “Do you mind if I tell him?” Lavender asks.
Josiah looks appropriately wary now. Whether because he’s sitting on a bed covered in sex toys, or because I’m clearly on the verge of some kind of mental breakdown, I can’t be sure. Both would be logical. Ironically, he has very little reaction to the confetti of fake dicks surrounding him. Unlike me.
He lifts one shoulder and lets it fall. “I have nothing to hide.”
Panic makes my chest tight. Maybe he’s been back here before. Maybe there’s already more going on than I know about.
“Josiah is not interested in me,” Lavender says flatly.
I scoff. “Yeah, right.”
No guy comes up to a girl’s room to hang out and actually do homework, especially not when that girl is Lavender. She’s so fucking beautiful, it hurts. And she has a killer sense of humor, and a huge, amazing heart.
She rolls her eyes. “Josiah would be more likely to want to hook up with you than me.”
Josiah raises a finger in the air. “Uh, that’s actually untrue.”
Lavender gives him her seriously look.
“What Lavender is trying to say is that I’m gay.”
Well, that changes a whole lot of things. Like, exactly how unbalanced I seem right now. And how unnecessary it was for me to come up here and act like a giant dick. Again.
He cuts me off before I can speak. “However, you’re an asshole, and I don’t care how pretty you are, I would never hook up with someone who treats my friend as shitty as you treat Lavender.” He turns back to her. “Do you want to come back to my place or something?”
She rubs the space between her eyes. “I appreciate the offer, but I think I need to deal with this.” She grants me a dismissive wave.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I need to handle this situation, and you don’t need to witness the shitstorm that’s about to go down.” She flips her book shut.