“Fuck you, Kodiak.” Her voice is surprisingly steady.
“Not a chance in hell. Then I’ll never get rid of you.” I’ll never be able to let you go.
I don’t expect the slap across the face. But I relish the sting and the force behind it. It means I’ve accomplished what I set out to do.
I let go of her, and she clambers off the bed. Her feet get tangled up in the comforter, and she lands in a heap on the floor. I fist the sheets to keep myself from helping her. She picks herself up clumsily and yanks the door open, rushing down the hall, desperate to escape me and the lies I forced on her.
Lavender is everyone’s Achilles’ heel.
And I just sliced mine to the bone.
Chapter Twenty-Three
No Control
Kodiak
Present day
LAVENDER’S DORM EXPERIENCE lasts less than thirty-six hours. I don’t ask what happened, and no one offers an explanation. In the almost two days since she moved back in, I haven’t seen much of her, but I’ve heard her.
Her anger comes out in the relentless, aggressive drone of her sewing machine and the music she listens to. I want to reach through the walls and absorb her pain, since I’m the one who created it. I don’t know how much longer I can sit here in the acid bath of my regrets without losing my mind.
I check the clock on the TV for the tenth time. She’s usually home by now on Thursdays. I don’t like that her schedule isn’t always predictable. Sometimes she doesn’t come home until hours after her classes are finished. I hate that I know her schedule. I hate that I’m an asshole to her, and that she refuses to do anything about it other than tell me she hates me. I hate that I can’t handle this, or her, or my own emotions 90 percent of the time, and it all comes out as vitriol.
I try to focus on the video game, but my head is all over the place, so I lose to BJ and toss the controller to River. He grunts, but doesn’t acknowledge me with words. He rarely does. Living with him is sort of like living with a porcupine.
Maverick is out with his flavor of the month. At a movie. She insisted he take her on an actual date because all they ever do is hang out in his bedroom. She’s not wrong, but based on her conversation skills, I’m going to say there’s a good reason for that.
The front door opens, dragging my attention away from the TV screen. Not that I was paying attention to what was going on, since I’m up in my head, as usual. Less than a minute later, Lavender appears. She’s wearing jeans and an oversized hoodie with the college logo on it.
She’s not alone, though.
The guy who trails behind her is vaguely familiar. He’s lanky with thick-rimmed glasses.
“Why are you so late, and why didn’t you answer my texts?” River pauses the game so he can glower at her.
Lavender adopts a fake smile. “Hi, twin. It’s so nice to see you too. How was your day?”
“It was peachy.” His gaze shifts to the guy hovering nervously behind her, and his cheek tics. “What’re you doing here?”
Lavender looks like her head is about to explode. “What is wrong with you? You’d think you were raised by wolves. Josiah is my classmate and my friend, so drop your asshole level down to a one or a two, please.”
River’s gaze darts between them. “Right, yeah, sorry. Hey, Josiah.”
“Hey.” Josiah raises his hand in an uncomfortable wave, his face turning red as he scans the three of us.
“The bearded one is my cousin BJ.”
BJ waves his acknowledgment.
“And that’s Kodiak,” she mutters, not bothering to look at me. “Anyway, we’re gonna go study, so see you all later.” She grabs Josiah by the arm, moves him in front of her, and pushes him toward the stairs. She flips the bird over her shoulder at us. I assume it’s mostly directed at me, and possibly River.
The three of us watch them disappear upstairs. To her bedroom. Where they’re going to “study.”
BJ looks at me and then at River, who unpauses the game.
I expect River to shit a brick about Lavender bringing some guy up to her room. Because there is no way they’re going up there just to study. She is way out of his league, and I’m 100 percent sure he knows it.
I look at BJ. He raises an eyebrow. I bite my tongue. I can’t say anything, or I’ll make myself completely transparent.
He finally does me a solid—although I’m not sure he realizes that’s what he’s doing—and asks the question I can’t. “Uh, River?”
“What?” River mows down a hoard of zombies.
“You’re cool with that?”
“Cool with what?” He blows up an entire warehouse full of zombies. “Fuck, yeah.”
“That.” BJ points to the stairs.
River doesn’t take his eyes off the screen. “That what?”
“Lavender. That guy?”
“She’s nineteen years old. She can bring a guy up to her room if she wants. Besides, they’re studying.” Another hoard of zombies comes piling out of a doorway and takes his player down. He tosses the controller back to me. “She’s her own person. She always has been. I’m going for a run. I can’t stand the stench of desperation in here.” He pushes up out of the chair and heads for the front door. A few seconds later, it opens and closes with a slam.
I grip the controller and stare at the TV, fighting to remain calm. Why now? Why all of a sudden is River okay with Lavender bringing a guy up to her room? Why am I suddenly a pane of glass that everyone can see through? That familiar feeling of being disassociated from my body takes over, and my knee starts to bounce.
“Fuck this.” I toss the controller aside and push up off the couch.
“What exactly are you going to do?” BJ asks, completely unrattled.
“Someone needs to deal with this.” I point to the ceiling. “And obviously you and River are useless.”
BJ raises one dark eyebrow. “I think you need to figure your shit out.”
“This isn’t about me.”
He huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “Really? ’Cause you’re losing it over the idea of someone you apparently can’t stand getting action. Look, man, I don’t know what the deal is with you and Lavender, or what happened between you to make things how they are, but you need to stop torturing her. This is not you, man. You are not this person.” He motions to me. “She doesn’t deserve whatever this is.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He throws his hands in the air. “You’re right. I don’t know. No one does because the two of you talk around shit and say nothing. What happened when you were kids? Better yet, what happened two years ago at Christmas? And why are you so determined to make her miserable? Hasn’t she already been through enough?”
I can’t answer any of those questions. Not with any kind of honesty. So I don’t. Instead, I turn around and head for the stairs.
“You’re such an idiot,” BJ grumbles, but he doesn’t stop me.
I pause outside my bedroom door. I should leave it alone. Leave Lavender alone. But I can’t stand the idea of her up there with that guy. If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone else to have her either. And that’s really what it comes down to.