I climb the rest of the stairs and pause in front of Kodiak’s room. I’m annoyed that he hasn’t said anything to Maverick yet, especially since they had practice this afternoon and he should have had plenty of opportunity to pull him aside.
I consider the pick-me-up gift Gigi gave me, the conversation Kodiak and I had in the car on the way to campus this morning, and BJ’s incentive idea. Before I lose my nerve, I turn the knob—surprised his door isn’t locked—and push it open a couple of inches.
Kodiak is sitting at his computer desk, his back to me, wearing headphones and bent over a textbook, pen poised in his left hand as he awkwardly tries to write without smearing the text. Being a lefty is a pain in the ass.
I slip into the room and close the door behind me, flipping the lock. I take a moment to check out his room, having never been inside since he moved in here. Everything is tidy and organized, bed neatly made, pillows arranged perfectly, the top of the comforter folded down, the flat sheet tucked tightly under the mattress. I bet it has hospital corners. It’s almost like he’s military trained, even though he’s not.
But what steals my breath are the pieces of old art that hang on the walls. My art from when I was a kid—most of it splatter-painted silliness. On the desk beside him is the ratty, old pencil case I made when I was ten. I was so proud of that thing. I stitched the infinity symbol right into the black fabric in thread the same color as his eyes.
The music is so loud, I can hear it from across the room. He needs that sometimes to drown out all the other stuff that happens in his head. His heel bounces on the floor, and I can feel his anxiety from across the room. He always dealt with it so much differently than I did. Hockey is both a cure and a cause for him.
He tosses his pencil on the desk, and his fists clench and release three times. He clasps his hands behind his head and both knees start bouncing as he breathes. I count his inhale and exhale. In for four, out for eight, eight times in a row. His shoulders curl in, and he unlocks his hands on a low groan. He grabs for the mouse and double clicks. The screen flickers, and he quickly types in a password. A few seconds later, he opens a folder and hovers the cursor over an image. He remains that way for several long seconds before he finally clicks on it.
I appear on the screen.
It’s a still shot of me sitting outside by the pool, wearing a huge hat and a cover up, while reading a book under an umbrella. Me and the sun have a love-hate relationship. Based on what I’m wearing and reading, it must have been taken at the beginning of the semester. One of his hands drops to his lap.
There’s a distinct possibility he’s going to whack off to a very PG and fully clothed picture of me reading a book, if I don’t make my presence known.
That changes drastically the way I approach this situation and him. He has a second study table in his room that’s home to some kind of project. It’s the only part of his room that isn’t perfectly neat. Among pieces of PVC piping and a bunch of tools is a roll of duct tape.
I nab it before I cross over to his desk and drop my bag next to his textbook, scaring the shit out of him. He scrambles to remove his earbuds—they’re wireless, so he drops one on the floor.
“Lavender? Holy shit. How long have you been in here? It’s not what it looks like.”
I glance down at his lap. He’s wearing gray jogging pants—why are they always gray?—and his erection strains against the fabric.
“Really? Because it looked like you were about to jerk off to that picture of me.”
He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, likely trying to come up with an excuse. “I was taking a study break.”
I snort a laugh. “How often have I been the focus of your study breaks, Kodiak?”
“Probably more than you should,” he admits.
“I see.” I free a strip of duct tape, the zip ridiculously loud.
“What’re you doing?” His voice holds equal parts curiosity and anxiety.
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“On your personal restraint, and whether or not you think you can keep your hands to yourself. How in control are you right now?”
His pale, vibrant green gaze meets mine, wide with want, and he grips the armrests. “Not very.”
“Hmm, I should probably help with that, then, shouldn’t I?”
He nods. His chest rises and falls with uneven breaths as I wrap the tape around his wrist. I have no idea what I’m doing, apart from reclaiming the power balance in this fucked-up relationship we seem to have. I tear a second strip free and secure his other wrist to the chair.
I wonder if duct-taping my future boyfriend to his computer chair so I can jill off on him without him putting his hands on me is going to be a thing for us. He seems into it.
Not that I don’t want them on me, but he needs to deal with Maverick, and I’m still pissed that he’s been a dick this year.
I lift my gaze to his. “Are you anxious?”
“Right now?”
“Yes, right now.”
He shrugs, as though he’s not entirely sure.
“Have I ever hurt you?”
His brow furrows. “No.”
“Have you ever hurt me?”
He closes his eyes, and his full, perfect lips press together. “Yes.”
“On purpose?”
His lids lift, and there’s pain swimming behind his eyes. “Only because I didn’t think there was any other way to keep you safe from me.”
“You were always trying to save me.” I give in and stroke his cheek, gently, exactly the way he used to do to me when we were young and loved each other in the simple, untainted way innocent soul mates do. His eyes slide closed, and his whole body shudders.
I drop my hand and rummage inside my bag. I’d say I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I can, because I did it yesterday.
Except I’m taking it to a whole different level of messed up this time around. I pull out the Aquaman-inspired pleasure toy and the lube.
“What is that?” He sounds appropriately confused.
“A gift from Gigi.”
“Oh fuck.” Realization dawns, and it’s laced with excitement.
I set it on his lap. If he’s aware I’m not nearly as confident as I’m pretending to be, he doesn’t let on. And regardless of how awful he’s been over the past couple of months, I know I’m safe with him.
And sometimes I hate him for that. Because it’s made loving anyone else impossible. Not that I’ve tried very hard.
Kodiak’s knees are parted, so I slide the Aqua-D, complete with balls—just like the one from last night, minus the suction base—between his legs. I tear a strip of duct tape free with my teeth and tap his thigh. “Knees together.”
He complies, no questions asked, probably because he knows where this is going and like me, he’s fucked up enough to want it.
I tear off a couple extra strips of tape and fix them on either side of Aqua-D’s base to hold it in place. This means I tape over Kodiak’s actual cock, which twitches and strains behind the gray fabric.
I caress his cheek again. “You okay? Do you need me to stop? Because I can.” And I mean it. I want to tease him, not maim him.
“No. I’m okay.” He shakes his head, his voice choked with excitement.