River is right where I expect to find him, sitting on the couch. I don’t expect him to be drinking one of my extra-sugary coolers and watching old episodes of Vampire Diaries, but then, this has been the year of the unexpected.
His gaze shifts away from the TV and immediately finds me. His eyes narrow as he takes in Kodiak’s proximity and our clasped hands.
His lip curls up, and he flings out a hand. “What is this?”
“Can you hold the meltdown for a minute? I need to get popcorn for this.” Maverick is so excited, he’s like a shaken bottle of soda, ready to explode.
I throw an unimpressed glare his way. “Not helpful, and you are not sticking around for this. I need to have a conversation with my brother without a bunch of gawkers.”
“Sorry. I’ll keep my mouth shut.” Maverick looks appropriately chagrined.
“I think we need to have a talk, Lavender, in fucking private.” River’s gaze bounces between me and Kodiak, nostrils flaring.
“I fully agree that we need to have a talk, but there are some issues we need to address, and since they revolve around Kodiak, he should be involved.”
River slams his bottle down on the table and pushes to his feet. “You can’t be serious!”
He storms across the room, and I step in front of Kodiak, crossing my arms. “You need to calm down.”
“And you need to get out of my way because I’m going to kick this fucker’s ass! How are you with him? He put you through hell!” River yells.
“So have you!” I shout back.
“What?” River recoils as though I’ve slapped him.
“You keep blaming Kodiak for making a mess of things when we were kids, but you were just as bad. Look at what you’re doing right now.”
“I just wanted to keep you safe. I’m always going to want to keep you safe, especially from someone who’s hurt you time and time again.” River jabs his finger toward Kodiak. I can feel him behind me, but I don’t turn to see his reaction.
“I love you, River, and I will always love you, but this blame game has to stop. It’s not healthy for you, or me, and all you’ll do is push me away if this animosity between you and Kodiak continues.”
“He’s been nothing but an asshole to you all semester, and now you’re going to what, go right back to the way things were when you were kids? How is that good for you?”
“We aren’t kids anymore, River. I’m not the same girl I was, and he’s not the same boy. We’re adults, and we’re figuring things out. Holding on to the past is going to drag us both down.”
“Can I say something?” Kodiak asks.
River’s angry glare lifts. “You need her permission to speak now?” he sneers.
Kodiak sighs. “Look, River, you have every right to hate me for the way I’ve acted this semester. I was 100 percent a dick. But, in the interest of not making things more difficult, I think we need to clear the air so we can all move forward like Lavender has been trying to do pretty much her entire life.”
“This isn’t just about this semester!” River snaps.
“I know.”
“You can’t do to Lavender what you did to her before. I won’t let that happen.” His gaze shifts around, wild and panicked. “I can’t watch her go through that again.”
I consider what it must have been like for him, watching me fall apart, powerless to do anything about it, only to have Kodiak constantly come in to pick up my pieces. Until he left. The aftermath wasn’t pretty.
“Lavender isn’t the same person, and neither am I, River. She won’t let me do that, and I would rather die than drag her down like I did back then. But you have to see that the way you’re dealing with this isn’t any better.” Kodiak gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “We all feel bad about what happened when Lavender was a kid. You and I the most, I think. And I won’t pretend to know how hard it was for you to have me always in the way, but I do know that I carried around a lot of guilt for a long time, and the way I chose to atone for it did a lot more harm than good.”
His jaw tics, but he says nothing.
“I haven’t let it define me, River. You can’t let it define you either. It was never your fault,” I tell him.
River runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know how else to be. This is all I know.” He motions to me. “It’s who I am.”
I finally see what the real issue is. Our entire lives have been about me—my anxiety, my struggles, my fears, and if we shift the focus away, where else can River look but inside himself?
I look him in the eyes. “Can I have a minute with River?” I say to Kodiak.
“Of course.” Kodiak bows his head, and his lips brush my temple. “I’ll meet you upstairs.” He steps around me and pauses in front of River. “I know we don’t have a lot in common, but the person we both love happens to be integral to our lives, so I hope we can at least be civil.”
River nods, although he’s still frowning. “I’ll work on it. But if you fuck up, I’m probably going to kick your ass.”
“I figured.” Kodiak disappears upstairs, and Maverick claps River on the shoulder before he follows, leaving me alone with my twin.
“So, this is really happening?” He rubs the back of his neck. “You and Kody are a thing now?”
“We’re trying to be.” I nod to the couch, and we both drop down. I rest my head on his biceps. “This isn’t really about Kodiak, though.”
“What?”
“You. The protectiveness. Needing to make sure I’m okay.”
“I’m your twin. That’s my job.”
“But it’s not, River. Of course you’re going to want to be there for me, but I think this is more than that.”
His gaze darts away, and his jaw flexes. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“It’s always been different for you. Maverick is like Dad, I’m like Mom, Robbie is like Gram-pot, but you’re you, and sometimes I think you’ve struggled to figure out where you fit. And if you’re not focused on me, you have to focus on you. I’d kind of hoped that my staying home last year would give you the chance to be your own person, instead of always trying to be my person. We will always be connected. You will always be the other half of me, but you need to live for you.”
River drops his head. “Sometimes I don’t feel like I know who I am.”
“I think that’s pretty normal at our age, but if you stop channeling all your energy into me, maybe you’ll be able to figure out you and what you want.”
“I’m sorry I’ve made things so hard for you.”
My heart clenches for my poor twin. Our bond is unmatched. I love him as fiercely as he loves me, but sometimes we lack balance. “It’s okay. Nothing worth fighting for should come easy. And I know it comes from a good place. You’re my trampoline, and I’m yours.”
“Safe to fall.”
“Always.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Infinite
Kodiak
Present day
I WAIT, SITTING on the top step outside Lavender’s door.