Someone mutters excuse me, and he shuffles us out of the way, finally releasing me. He jumps back like I’ve turned into a poisonous spider, eyes wide with panic. “Shit. You’re shaking. Are you okay? I’m screwing this up, aren’t I? I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Shouldn’t be doing what?” I’m super confused right now.
He runs a hand roughly through his hair. “Falling into old patterns.”
“Old patterns?”
“Trying to save you from a panic attack.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not having a panic attack, Kodiak.”
“But Bethany was ripping into you, and you’re shaking, and I thought maybe you were starting to panic because of all the people around.”
“I’m shaking because I’m pissed off.”
“At me?”
“No, at her and her asshole friends. I’m also highly disturbed by her lack of self-worth and how intent she seems on being a team fucktoy when you’re done with me.”
“Oh.” He looks appropriately chagrined. “Well, that’s never going to happen. Either of those things.”
“I know. That’s why I told her you were mine.” I rub the space between my eyes. “I’ve learned how to deal, just like you have, Kodiak.”
“I know you have. I just . . . I think it reminded me of that time with Courtney, and then everything got so messed up after that, and I lost you for more than half a decade, and I really can’t go through that again.”
I take his cold hand and press it against the side of my neck, doing the same with mine. “Who’s panicking now?” It’s half joke, half not.
He huffs a laugh. “Me.”
“Don’t forget that I’ve grown up with Mav being a giant playboy and River being a commitment-phobe. We’re okay, Kodiak. You’re not creating dependency by wanting to be there for me, and I don’t need you to save me, but it’s nice to feel safe and loved.” I tug him closer, and he wraps his arms around me again.
I sink into the affection, aware he needs it as much as me.
Maybe even more.
Maybe he always has.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The Fears That Bind Us
Lavender
Present day
THE FALL SEMESTER ends—I pass economics with Kodiak’s help, barely—and the winter semester rolls in, bringing colder temperatures, more snow, and the desire to hibernate. Hockey and studying takes up more and more of Kodiak’s time. He has frequent conversations with his parents about making sure he’s finding balance between sports, schoolwork, and friends—something he’s never been particularly good at, and still isn’t. I know when he’s been talking to his dad, because those are the nights he’s extra needy in bed.
River manages to patch things up with Josiah, and he even starts inviting him over, but he has yet to say anything to our parents. He wants to, but he says he’s trying to figure out how to do it. As confident as I am that they’ll support him, I know he needs to do it in his own time.
The parties from the beginning of the year dwindle to almost nothing. Everyone’s focus is shifting to studies, especially after Maverick barely managed to eke out a passing grade in two of the classes he typically excels at.
This also prompts a visit from my parents, during which my mom takes me and River out for lunch while my dad lectures Maverick on being responsible and not putting his dick before his studies. Actually it’s my mom who makes the “study before sex” comment prior to ushering us out the door. She’s never been one to sugarcoat things, except when she’s dealing with me. I try to persuade River that now would be a good time to say something about Josiah, but he says he doesn’t want to invite a different kind of safe sex and responsibility talk. The timing seems pretty opportune to me, but I don’t push, so Mom sticks with her general “work first, party later” conversation during lunch.
I will say that’s one thing Kodiak takes very seriously. Sex is always a reward for hours put into homework and studying. A very frequent reward. Despite his genius status, Kodiak spends an inordinate amount of time reviewing notes, always aiming for perfection. I don’t envy him in that regard. It would be difficult to constantly strive for the impossible.
A few weeks into the winter term, my costume design professor asks if I’d like to help out with the winter production. Despite how busy my schedule is, there’s no way I’m going to pass up the opportunity.
I also take on a very part-time job at the library. It’s not that I need the extra cash. If I ask my parents, they will most definitely put money into my account, but I like the independence and the peacefulness that comes from being surrounded by books. I like that here, in college, I can shed the shy, tongue-tied girl of my youth, escape the past that defined me, and be a more confident, competent, less anxious version of myself. It’s not easy, but it’s empowering, and I feel like I’m finally coming into my own.
The job basically fell in my lap. I’d gone to the library to study between classes and noticed someone had left a stack of books on a table. Half an hour later, they were still there, so I took it upon myself to shelve them. Another student mistook me for someone who worked there and asked where she could find a book on biochemical engineering, so I showed her. It just so happened that the woman in charge of hiring watched it all happen and asked if I’d like a job. I said yes.
It’s a Friday evening, and Kodiak has an away game. This means he won’t be home until late tonight, which is good because I need time to work on one of the costume pieces for the upcoming production. The girl who’s playing the lead has been stress eating, and last night she had a huge meltdown because her costume is too tight.
I took the blame and told her I must have miscalculated the seam allowance—I didn’t—and could most certainly fix the problem. So that’s what I’m doing.
It’s closing in on ten when Professor Martin pokes her head in.
I pop out my earbuds. “I’m nearly done with the alterations.”
She checks over her shoulder before she says, “You are a godsend for doing this.”
I wave the comment away. “Can’t have the star of the show feeling uncomfortable or it’ll affect the entire performance.” Besides, I like her. She has great respect for those of us who like to stay behind the scenes, and she’s always been nice to me.
She nods her agreement. “I have some news for you.”
I can’t read her expression. “Oh?”
“It’s about the internship we discussed.”
“The long shot for the off Broadway company? I never expected to get it since I’m a sophomore, but I love that you asked me to apply.”
I mean that. Professor Martin has never coddled me. She’s unaware that I’ve spent the majority of my life overprotected and sometimes over-loved by my family. It’s nice to have someone assume I’m capable and competent. And now I truly feel that way.
She smiles slightly. “What if I told you they want you for the internship?”
It takes me several long moments to digest that news. “Seriously?”
Her grin widens. “Most seriously, Lavender.”