“Oh, wow.” I sink back into my chair and exhale a long, slow breath. Within seconds, my mind becomes cluttered with too many thoughts. What if I’m not good enough? Where will I live? How am I going to manage the city on my own? Will I have to take the subway? What will my parents say? What about Kodiak? “This is kind of a big deal, isn’t it?”
Professor Martin sits on the edge of the desk. “You would be the youngest intern they’ve ever had, but if you don’t think you’re ready, we can try again next year.”
“But there’s no guarantee I’ll get it next year.”
“I’d like to say invariably you would, but I can’t know that. Every year is different, and it’s highly competitive. You have incredible talent, Lavender. There will most definitely be other opportunities for you, but this one is special.”
“Wow, okay. I figured the chances I’d get it were slim to none.”
My dad is going to shit a brick. I love him to pieces, but good Lord, he could barely handle me being an hour away while living with my brothers. And the whole freaking Kodiak thing has been another source of freak-out for him. Mom had to intervene and tell him that threatening one of his best friend’s sons with castration was not a good way to manage us dating. I want to be ready for something like this, but there are so many unknowns.
“Why don’t I email you all the information, and you can discuss it with everyone you need to? I don’t want you to feel pressured, but they’ll need to know either way by the end of next week.”
I nod. “I’ll have an answer by then.”
____________________
The house is empty. River is out with friends, and Maverick is at the game with Kodiak. Despite the fact that it’s closing in on eleven, I call my mom.
She answers on the second ring. “How is my favorite daughter? And why in the world are you calling me on a Friday night? Shouldn’t you be out breaking rules and doing things I don’t want to think about?”
I laugh. “I took a break from the rule-breaking this weekend. Are you busy?”
“If you call listening to your dad sawing logs while I watch bad reality TV busy, then yes. What’s up? Things still okay with you and Kody?”
“Things are great with Kodiak.” And they really are. Loving him is so much easier than trying to hate him.
“I’m glad to hear that. And you’re being safe and all that jazz, right?”
“Yes, Mom. We’re being safe.”
“I can literally hear you rolling your eyes at me. You know it’s my motherly duty to ask. Anyway, I’m guessing you didn’t call so I could ask awkward questions.”
“You would be correct.” I fill her in on getting the internship and remind her that it’s in New York and I’d be there for two months. I finish up with, “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“It sounds like it. It also sounds a lot like you’re unsure whether you should take it, despite it being so awesome. So why don’t you tell me what your reservations are?”
I love how easy my mom makes it to talk things through. “Dad is gonna freak if I take it.”
“Honey, I will deal with your dad. And I don’t buy for a second that he’s the real reason you’re on the fence. Are you worried about being on your own?”
I sigh. “Maybe a little, and New York is huge.”
“It’s a bigger, grumpier, exciting version of Chicago, and nothing you can’t handle. You’ve proven that this year.”
“They have housing options where I’d be with other interns, so that would make it less scary,” I tell her.
“For all of us, including your dad.” Her voice softens. “If this is about Kody, just say so, and we’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t want to leave him.”
“Of course you don’t. You’ve been absent from each other for a lot of years, and you’re relearning how to be together. Not wanting to leave him makes perfect sense. But ask yourself this: What would be harder in the long run—two months of long distance where you get to live your dream and do something you’re incredibly passionate about, or walking away from the opportunity and always wondering if it was a mistake you can’t unmake?”
“They’re both hard, for different reasons.”
“You’re absolutely right. And not to add another level of stress to this, but Kody is graduating this year, and they’re ravenous to get him on a team. Would you want him to say no to his dream when the opportunity presents itself?”
“Of course not. When he’s offered a contract, he has to take it.”
“Don’t you think he would want the same for you?”
She affirms what I already know but am having a hard time facing. If the shoe were on the other foot, I’d push Kodiak to take the opportunity. “I have to take the internship, don’t I?” My stomach churns with excitement and anxiety.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, other than make sure you’re having safe sex. But in this case, I believe you want this very much, and I want it for you. I would say you’re young, and that boyfriends come and go, but I don’t know that’s true for you and Kody. You two have survived a lot, and you can survive this too. Love is an amazing gift, but sometimes it hurts, and unfortunately, the two of you know that all too well.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Don’t Let Go
Kodiak
Present day
IT’S ALMOST ONE by the time we get back from the game. Maverick hits the bar with some of the guys, but all I want to do is get back to Lavender. Despite winning the game, my body is still humming with nervous energy. There were scouts hanging around. There’s been a lot of chatter lately about the draft picks and contract offers coming at the end of the year—things I don’t want to think too much about, especially since Vancouver is a real possibility.
I stop at my place so I can hang up my hockey equipment and put a load in the wash. I also take a quick shower so I smell less like bus exhaust. Then I make the short trek down the street to Lavender.
The nights I don’t sleep beside her are few and far between. Her bed is only a queen, but I don’t mind the lack of space since it means she’s always curled into my side. I climb the stairs, the pit in my stomach getting deeper instead of closing up the closer I get to her. It’s late, and if she’s asleep, I don’t want to wake her, so I slip into her room without knocking.
I’m surprised to find the light beside her bed on, although sometimes she falls asleep reading. She sits up, and that heavy feeling in my stomach spreads through my limbs, making my cells feel like they’re made of lead.
I cross the room in three quick strides. My skin itches with panic as I take in her red-rimmed eyes and the tremble in her chin. I cup her warm, damp cheeks between my palms, but it doesn’t help settle the nerves, especially when two tears leak out of the corners of her eyes. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I need to tell you something,” she whispers.
A deluge of horrible thoughts come flooding in, overwhelming me. She doesn’t want me anymore. There’s someone else. She’s pregnant. I drop down beside her, and have to remind myself to breathe. “Okay. I’m listening. Freaking out, but listening.”