I frowned at him, confusion tangled with my own shame. “No, of course not. Why would you think I’d do that?”
He shrugged and peeked at me from behind those long bangs. “Because it’s what people do when they’re mad.”
“I’d never kick you out, Shane, especially not for something that was my fault. I let this happen, and it shouldn’t have. I just want you to be happy.”
“I know, because you promised him you’d make sure I was okay.”
“It’s more than that.” I did what I thought I shouldn’t and reached over to grab his hand, squeezing it under my much bigger one. “I care about you too. You’re important to me, and I want to protect you.”
“You don’t have to. I don’t need you to.” He leaned forward and then rocked backward again. “Everything I do is because I want to.”
“Not this.” I shook my head. “You’re my dead boyfriend’s younger brother. I won’t do this to Carter, and I know you won’t either. It’s for the best.” I let go of his hand and slid mine back onto my side of the table. “You’ll be in school again soon and it’ll be good for both of us. I’ll have work and you’ll have to study.”
“So you want us to ignore each other?” he asked. “Pretend like you didn’t get me off and splooge on me? West, I know it’s wrong, and I felt guilty too, but for a moment I felt freer than I have in a long time. I was… happy.”
I laughed, but not in amusement. “Orgasms do that to you, and I’m not persuading you to stay celibate. Go out and find someone your own age, someone who isn’t your brother’s widower.”
Shane swiped his tongue over his bottom lip, and for a short, scary moment, I thought he’d argue. Instead he nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay,” I repeated. I didn’t know what else to say. What would Carter say? “We can get through this.”
“You already said that the other day.” He peered at me from under long, dark lashes. Rocks moved into my stomach. Carter’s eyelashes were the same, so lengthy they almost curled, only his had been gilded gold.
Of course I had repeated myself, because I was a floundering fish stuck on the beach, wiggling as I tried to get back into the water, except it wasn’t working and I was dying. The tension hung thick in the air, and I pinched the bridge of my nose to make myself think of something else to say. “You’re a good boy.” I froze. Well, fuck, that was a poor choice of words.
Shane’s eyebrows rose. “I’m not five.”
“I know. I just meant….” I didn’t know what the hell I meant. Where was the lawyer who could weave words like a literacy god? Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. As much as I didn’t want to go to a sexual place with Shane, I needed to become the daddy that Carter had trusted, the man who took charge, the one I’d lost after Carter died because I was too stunned by grief. To do that, I needed to hone myself, concentrate, and take four deep breaths. When I opened my eyes again, Shane was staring at me carefully.
Daddy had arrived, and the calm took me over, the confidence like fire over ice, melting away any insecurities. “This is how it’s going to be, Shane. You’re going back to school and you’re going to study hard. You’ll find your way, and I’ll help you, but no more drinking. You’ll no longer be hanging around that asshole you told me about. If he comes anywhere near you, I want you to walk away. Do you know why?”
He swallowed, the lump in his throat jumping, and with wide eyes, he shook his head.
“Because you’re taking control of your life. Carter wouldn’t have wanted you to act like this, and I made a promise I’m going to keep.” I stood, my chair wobbling when the back of my knees hit it. “So until you’re solid with good behavior, no more alcohol in this house. If I hear you’re drinking with friends, I won’t be happy, and then you’ll be punished. Do you understand?”
A strange emotion passed over his face, and I didn’t know if it was lust or fear. Maybe both? He nodded quickly.
“Say it.”
Another swallow, and his lips upturned in the corners. “Yes, West.”
Usually Carter would say Daddy or Sir, but he wasn’t Carter, and my name did the job. “Good, Boy.”
Delight came alive on his face at my praise, and I made myself ignore the shift in his mood. This was getting more dangerous than I ever expected.
Chapter 5
Shane
End of Spring Semester
The last week of freshman year ended on a dismal note. May was still cold and rainy, almost like the entire world was showing me parts of myself I was trying to run from. I took West’s orders—I couldn’t think of them as anything else—to heart and aced the classes I enrolled in. The DDP course to get back my license was so easy I barely had to show up. Schoolwork, of one kind or another, was all I’d focused on for the last five months.
West was right. Carter wouldn’t have wanted me to fuck my life up because he was gone. Failure was the hard opposite of anything he would have planned for me. If there was one thing I could do, and usually well, it was write bullshit papers and study, so there was no reason for me to drop the ball.
After The Night of Doom West and I apparently weren’t discussing ever again, I didn’t drink. I hadn’t told West, but during spring semester I’d started taking research core psychology classes, like Carter. I’d begun my freshman year as an undecided major, and was thinking of following in Carter’s footsteps, but… I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do this, or if it was the way I chose to feel a little closer to Carter. I didn’t hate the classes or the work, but it didn’t “speak to me” like some professors said my true profession should. The classes were something to fill up my schedule.
I miss him so much.
When I had free time for a few minutes throughout my day, guilt would creep in around the edges. Had I done that stuff with West because I like West, or because West reminded me of Carter? How fucked-up was that entire thing?
And more importantly, how much did I hurt West in the process? I felt so bad, wanted to apologize, but thought maybe we should just continue to ignore the ten-story elephant in the room the way we had been. At first, I hadn’t seen anything much wrong with getting off with him. As the weeks wore on, and I got tested for alcohol use at the local clinic that sent the reports on to my probation officer, the irritation of having to drop everything and go with one phone call made me think about how I had caused so many unnecessary problems for West. After handing off yet another cup of piss, I decided to apologize to him by never being a problem again. I’d fade out of his life as much as possible. I even considered moving, but I didn’t have the money, and besides, I still cared about West; I just didn’t know how to exist around him anymore.
Terrible as I felt, I’d needed what I got from West, when I got it. Even now, I was feeling touch starved. Carter was a hugger, a giver, a friendly person who I could lay on while I watched television without it being weird. Until he’d gotten too sick to do it, he was always the one to pull me into a hug and sit around with our shoulders bumping and our feet propped up together on the coffee table while we bullshitted. He would tell me about the weird people who came into his lab, and I would talk about school. I missed that. I had no one else I could do that with.