“I used to think it would be okay, just him and me, but lately I’m not so sure.” Tears filled her eyes. “I know he wouldn’t cheat on me like Avi did with you, he’s not that kind of guy, but . . .” She shook her head, sadness evident in her posture, shoulders slumped in defeat. “I love him, but our marriage is suffering because I want a baby so damn badly and I’m not sure he does anymore.”
Crap. Samira’s heart ached for her beautiful cousin. She knew all too well what it felt like to feel helpless in a marriage, unsure what to do to save it. For her, she doubted she’d ever really loved Avi. She’d loved being in love, and once that had worn off and he’d started to show his true narcissistic side, she’d grown indifferent.
In that moment, she realized something. All these years she’d been blaming him for ruining their marriage. He’d cheated. He’d got some teenager pregnant. He’d left her and divorced her and made her a laughingstock within the close-knit Indian community. And while there was no excuse for him straying rather than trying to work on their marriage, she had to admit she might have contributed to the distance that had opened up between them the longer it took for her to fall pregnant.
They’d had sex to procreate, but there’d been no intimacy in their marriage, not from the start. She’d played the role of the dutiful young wife, establishing her physical therapy career, attending many family functions, parading her suave Indian husband with pride. But behind closed doors, their marriage had been shallow. All gloss and no substance. She hoped Pia’s marriage could survive the battle with infertility in a way hers couldn’t.
“This retreat is a last-ditch effort to see if we can relax and have some fun with this baby stuff rather than it being a chore all the time.”
Samira read between the lines. “Last-ditch effort for your marriage, you mean?”
Pia bit her bottom lip and nodded. “We’re in trouble, Sam, and the kicker is, I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for us because we love each other, but I need Dev to make an effort too. It seems like he’s filled with self-recrimination, even though we worked through the initial shock when we discovered he’s sterile, and I think it’s consuming him.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She clasped Pia’s hand and squeezed. “Is that why I haven’t seen him since I got back? Because you two aren’t in a good place?”
“Yeah. He hasn’t been around to Mom’s or any family dos, because he says he can’t pretend.”
“I get it. Avi started avoiding my folks at least two months before he broke the news about his affair.” She snorted. “I should’ve known there was something wrong, but I was too busy playing the perfect bride to worry about it.”
“Avi was an asshole, end of story.”
Samira paused. The last thing she wanted to do was bring up more baby talk around her cousin, but she couldn’t very well ask her mom what had been bugging her.
“Hey, I heard through the grapevine his wife’s expecting their second child. That’s a massive gap between kids. Do you know what that’s about?”
Pia’s eyes widened in surprise. “It’s not like you to ask about the asshole.”
“Just curious.”
Pia shrugged. “People don’t talk around me when it has anything to do with him because they know we’re close, so no, I have no idea.” A cheeky glint lit her eyes for the first time in a long time. “Maybe his dick shriveled and he couldn’t get it up.”
Samira laughed, and thankfully, Pia joined in. It wasn’t that funny, but with the pent-up tension between them draining away, they laughed long and loud, until tears seeped from their eyes.
When their laughter petered out, Pia’s expression turned serious again. “I’m sorry for overreacting to your baby news, but I’ll be honest, Sam: it’s going to take me a while to process, and until then, I’m not going to be the best support person for you.”
“That’s okay.”
Though it wasn’t. Pia was her best friend, and without her to bounce ideas off or share her fears, Samira knew she’d be lost.
“How did Rory take the news . . .” Pia’s hand flew to her mouth. “Have you told Kushi yet? Man, she’s going to freak.”
“Actually, Mom was pretty good about it, a lot better than expected. And Rory’s come around.”
“I bet he didn’t freak as badly as I did.”
“Not quite, but it was a shock.”
“For us all.” Pia managed a wry smile. “I know I don’t have to say this, but please don’t mention anything to your mom about me and Dev having problems.”
Samira made a zipping motion over her lips. “I hope the retreat helps clarify things for you.”
“Me too.”
“I’m here for you,” Samira said, pulling her in for a quick hug. “Anytime.”
“Thanks.”
Pia didn’t say the same, and Samira couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Then again, at least they were talking again and Pia had been honest about needing time to process. She couldn’t expect miracles.
“Shall we do handover tomorrow?”
Pia nodded. “Let’s meet at three in the conference room.”
“Deal. And Pia?”
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I like Dev, always have, but it takes two to make a marriage work. If he’s struggling with everything, maybe he should seek professional help?”
If her bluntness surprised Pia, she didn’t show it. It may have sounded harsh, but Samira wished someone had given her honest advice about marriage when she’d felt alone in hers.
“We had fertility counseling before starting IVF, but the way he’s spiraling, I think he needs more.” Pia raised stricken eyes to hers. “I’ve mentioned it a few times, but he gets defensive or shuts down.”
“If you two are in this for the long haul, perhaps give him a gentle shove and make the appointment?”
Pia didn’t respond, but Samira almost saw the thoughts pinging around her head. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“I know Avi was a lying, cheating asshole, but did you blame yourself just a tad for your marriage breakdown when you couldn’t conceive?”
Remembering the guilt and sorrow at the time, Samira nodded. “It didn’t make sense, because he broke us, not me, but I always wondered if I’d been able to have a baby, would he not have strayed. Why do you ask?”