She shrugs her shoulders, the soft pink fabric slipping down and making her look that much thinner, that much more beautiful. “Was it any good?” she asks and lifts the glass to her lips. It’s dark red wine, the same color she wears on her lips. It’s one thing I like about Jules; she’s nothing if not consistent.
Rolling my eyes, I wipe my face with my hand. It’s always good with Evan. “It was a mistake,” I tell her instead. My dismal tone immediately changes the mood and frustration flows through me.
“People make mistakes,” Jules says low, so low I almost didn’t hear her. And then she looks at me and adds, “It happens.” She sounds so sad and I can’t help but to wonder what’s going on with her. For just a moment, a short glimpse, there’s something there other than the perfect façade she always carries. But the moment she registers that I can see it, the crack in her demeanor, she straightens her shoulders and takes in a heavy breath.
Silence passes and the only thing that can be heard is the rustling of paper as Maddie unwraps something. Staring down into the newly poured glass of wine I realize I’ve never felt so alone and unwelcomed. It’s not them, it’s me and my head, I know it is. “I just don’t know what to do,” I say, speaking to all of them or none of them, it doesn’t matter, I just needed to say it. “We slept together and I think it was a mistake … Because I kicked him out the next morning.” A groan leaves me, nearly comical, as I take a small sip but it’s not satisfying. Not nearly large enough either.
“You don’t need to decide right now,” Jules says easily. “There’s a lot to consider and talk about.” She nods her head as she talks, almost like she’s talking to herself.
“The thing is … I don’t know what I want, but I know he’ll convince me to stay with him.”
“Men have a way with words,” Sue chimes in, agreeing with me, and tips her glass in an air-cheers with me. “It’s called lying.”
I huff in agreement, opting for my water instead of more wine, as I watch Sue saunter over to the tray of cheese.
“I mean … not that he lied … he’s just …” Sue says softly and then clears her throat to add with a touch of sympathy, “I keep letting my shitty experience color my opinion. Sorry,” she says, looking me in the eyes. The sincerity there kills me.
“It’s fine. It’s called experience.”
“So you’re indecisive, and that makes sense. You’re married. You love him. But you’re hurt.” Maddie cuts through all the silence and unease like it’s so simple and easy to comprehend. But it’s not. There’s a raging war of emotions inside of me. I don’t know that I can trust my husband, and that alone is enough to end it and what pushed me to kick him out this morning.
Rather than confess about my lack of trust, I offer a partial truth. “I slept with him last night and then kicked him out this morning.” I shake my head realizing how awful that sounds, how crazy it seems.
“Sounds like a divorce to me,” Sue says and then fills her glass again. “I did it for years, Kat. Years of back and forth. Forgiving but not forgetting.” Her slender fingers play on the stem of the glass. “Wish I had those years back.”
The need to defend Evan overrides my common sense. “I don’t know what I did that pushed him away.” Even as I say the words, I know that’s not true. I let distance grow between us. I ignored him in favor of my career.
“Nothing, it’s not you. It’s not your fault.” Sue’s words are hard, with no negotiation allowed. So I don’t correct her.
Maddie adds in, ever comforting, “It’s not your fault in the least. Don’t let him make you feel that way.”
They don’t understand. They just don’t get it.
“What if—”
Sue cuts me off to say, “If you want to sleep with him, do it. Want to kick him out, do it. Want to hurl something at his head … maybe don’t because that’s assault.” Her joke forces a bark of a laugh from me and a snicker from Jules. Her glass setting down on the counter offers a clink and she adds, “Yes please, for the love of all things holy don’t make us come bail you out.”
“You would, though,” I say and cock a brow, knowing any of the three of these women would bail me out in a heartbeat.
“It’s whatever you want,” Maddie continues and Jules and Sue both nod. “You can be friends with benefits if that’s what you want, fuck buddies, you can use him for revenge sex. I don’t think any of us have any answers other than we’re here for you.” She side-eyes Sue and adds, “Although Sue is cockblocking our girls’ trip.”
“Oh my Lord, someone … get her,” Sue groans and Jules and I laugh while Maddie purses her lips and tosses a balled-up bit of paper at Sue’s back. It doesn’t reach, but the comic relief helps to calm all the nerves I’ve been feeling. Most of them, anyway. There’s still a little flutter in the pit of my stomach.
“We’ll plan a girls’ trip,” Jules states as if it’s a fact. “It just might be a bit, but we will make this happen and it’ll be great for you to get out.”
“I think it will be fun, and I’ll figure out how to make it work,” Sue says all the while staring at Maddie who finally smiles.
“Yes. Girls’ trip and fuck or dump whomever we want … Except Jules. Because she might be pregnant.”
I nearly choke on my wine at that thought.
Evan
I tried it. I swear I tried to give her space.
Kat says that’s what she needs, but I know it’s not. This plan of hers isn’t what she needs and it’s sure as hell not what I want.
She needs me. Period. She needs me to be there and that’s where I’ve failed. Not just in the last few weeks. For years, I chose a lifestyle that forced us apart.
I can fix this, but not by running to Pops and leaving her all alone with nothing but this city whispering in her ear.
My arm stiffens as I slide the key into the lock to our townhouse. My heart doesn’t beat until it turns, proving she didn’t change the locks. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was still holding and push it open. I’m prepared with what I need to say. Prepared to hold my ground and not take no for an answer.
But it only takes one step inside of our living room for all of it to slip away from me.
Kat looks so tired, so worn out propped up in the corner of the sofa with her laptop sitting to the left of her, but the screen’s black. She has a cup of coffee in her hands as well as bags under her eyes. She turns to me slowly, wiping the sleep from her eyes and adjusting herself slightly. With the gentle protest of the sofa, I shut the door behind me.
“What are you doing here?” she asks me, still seated with her legs tucked underneath her on the sofa. I’m stunned for a moment because she’s so fucking beautiful, even in this state. My body’s drawn to her. If it were another time, I’d go to the sofa, push the laptop off and lie down, making her take a break. I’d kiss her until her body writhed against mine.
And she’d let me. She’d let me make her relax. At least she would have a year ago.