I’ve had enough of pain.
The buzz from the townhouse speaker rouses me from my seat in the dining room. Buzz. Buzz. It’s an annoying high-pitched sound that I can’t stand.
My head’s already throbbing. It’s been like this for hours, ever since I got home and took the test. I can’t go back and look at it. It’s hard enough to wrap my head around everything that’s happening.
And the guilt …
As I walk to the front of the townhouse, hustling down the stairs so I don’t have to hear that damn noise again, I realize it’s nearly nine and I’m still in my pajamas. At least I have pants on, but the matching light gray cotton shirt has a large spot of coffee on the front and I’m sure my hair’s a mess.
“Who is it?” I ask in a voice that sounds more together than I feel as I push the button down and then release it. The only person I can think of is Henry, Evan’s father.
“Sorry to bother you, I was just hoping for a quick meeting,” a voice says on the other side and it takes me a moment to recognize it.
“Jacob?” I say into the intercom.
“I hope you don’t mind. I was in the area and wanted to stop by,” he replies and his voice breaks up over the speaker.
I know it’s rude to make him wait, it’s unkind not to answer him immediately, but this is so unexpected. I don’t know how to react or respond.
“I’m not quite dressed for company,” I tell him and then close my eyes from embarrassment. He still hasn’t signed with the agency and I haven’t spoken to him since running into him on the street.
“That’s all right with me,” he answers easily and I lean into the button, keeping it held down as my head throbs again and my eyes close with frustration.
“Is it all right if I come up?”
“Of course,” I answer out of instinct. “Come on up,” I tell him and then hit the buzzer to let him up. My heart races as I consider why he’s here. I know why, deep down. It’s my fault. I led him on.
A sarcastic laugh leaves me as I throw my head back and wipe my tired eyes with my hands. How self-centered and presumptuous I am to think he’s here for anything other than business. I ignore the guilt and the worry that riddle my body and glance in the large oval mirror in the foyer as I wait for Jacob to make his way up the stairs.
There are bags under my eyes and a smattering of eyeliner from yesterday still remaining. I wipe carefully under them and pull my hair back, but I still don’t look professional. My simple black leggings and a baggy shirt are made somewhat better by slipping on a crocheted sweater. It’s better than nothing, laid back at the very best. I find it hard to care that much about my appearance as I open the front door.
I’m caught off guard as he walks up the stairs and comes into view. Of course I look like hell when he looks charming in a relaxed kind of way. His hair is ruffled, but probably gelled to look like it’s slightly messy. It’s his stubble, though, that gets me. I have a type, and Jacob fits that type to a T. Maybe that’s how I know this is going to be trouble.
He gives me a wide smile and doesn’t seem to care about my appearance in the least.
“I was just going to call it an early night,” I lie, trying to stand with dignity in front of Jacob.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry, Kat.” It’s odd hearing him call me Kat. Most of my clients don’t use my nickname. It’s too casual. A type of casual I usually put an end to immediately, but I can’t bring myself to correct him.
“What are you doing here, Jacob?” I ask warily. We don’t have an appointment, and quite frankly I’m not in a state to be professional.
“It’s Jake, remember?” he answers playfully and God help me, but I blush. “I was wondering if I could maybe take you out for coffee? I was hoping for dinner. If not tonight, then …”
“I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s something,” I stammer over my words. “Jacob …” I clear my throat and continue, “Jake, I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression.” I suck in a breath and push the stray hairs out of my face.
“It’s nothing at all that you did, I just,” he pauses to take a deep breath and smiles before letting out a small laugh. “It was stupid of me. I’m sorry, Kat. I just thought maybe there was a little attraction on your side?” he asks although it’s a statement.
“Jake, I’m …” I want to say married, taken, in love with another man. The last line would be true. I’ll always love Evan, and nothing will ever change that.
“I thought maybe you would like some company,” he states, tilting his head as he leans against the wall. The muscles on his shoulders ripple as he does it. “I went through something a bit ago and I know I could use a distraction.”
A distraction would be nice. I can’t help that the thought makes me more relaxed each second that passes.
His half smile and gentle sigh are what do me in as he shrugs and slips his hands into his pockets. “I thought maybe you needed someone. Or that you’d like the company.” He’s even more handsome when he looks at me like that. It’s a look that makes me feel warmth running through me. Compassion and understanding.
I’ve never been so tempted in my life. I so desperately need someone. I need someone to pick me up and force me to think about something else, because I’m a hopeless wreck.
“It’s very sweet of you and I won’t lie,” I start to say and then hesitate to finish the thought, but settle on the basic truth. “I wouldn’t act on anything because I just can’t right now. I would never forgive myself and it wouldn’t be fair to you.” My words are rushed at the end, trying to defend my decision and assuage me of the guilt I’m feeling.
“Hey,” Jacob says with an easy tone that breaks through the anxiety washing over me. His reassuring voice forces me to look into his gentle gaze. It’s comforting and relaxing and makes me not trust myself. “How about this? How about you call me if you think you want to hang out or talk, or whatever it is that’s on your mind?” he asks in a soothing tone that’s almost melodic. It calms me, each word a consoling balm to the hurt that rages through my body.
I want that. More than anything, I want this pain that I feel to stop. I would give anything to make it go away. Jacob could do that, but it would be short-lived. I blink away the haze of lust, the cloud of want and desire leaving me slowly, very slowly. I clear my throat and look him in the eyes as I tell him, “I can’t.”
“’Cause we’re going to work together?” he asks, although the way he tilts his head and strains his words makes it more than obvious that he knows why I can’t. My lips form a thin straight line as I shake my head no.
“You love him?”
“I do, but that’s not why. I’m just—I’m not okay and I need to figure things out …” I can’t finish the thought, but thankfully I don’t have to.
“I understand,” Jacob says and runs his hand through his thick hair. My eyes are caught in his as I nod in thanks.
“Let’s pretend this didn’t happen then?”
“I’d rather you remember,” he says with a grin that makes me crave him more. “I’ll be here when you’re ready,” he says and then turns to leave. To walk away from me and leave me alone in my misery, just as I asked.