the need to survive
lit a fire in me
i want to be snapped
cracked
hammered into
i want to open where i am closed
find the secret door
let me out of me
i want something to
hold me by the neck
split me down the middle
and make me feel alive again
- i don’t want to be numb anymore
i am trusting the uncertainty
and believing i will
end up somewhere
right and good
there is nothing wrong with you
this is growth
this is transformation
protecting yourself
getting lost in the noise
figuring it out
feeling used
uncared for
losing hope
burning out
this is fear
this is processing
this is surviving
this is being alive
- journey
you lose everything
when you don’t love yourself
- and gain everything when you do
i am not my worst days
i am not what happened to me
- reminder
there are whole blackouts
in some of the years i have lived
my therapist says our minds erase trauma
to help us move on
but every experience i’ve had
is memorized in my flesh
even if my mind forgets
my body remembers
my body is the map of my life
my body wears what it’s been through
my body signals the alarms when
it thinks danger is coming
and suddenly
the hungry little demons from my past
come raging out of my flesh
screaming
don’t you forget us
don’t you ever try to
leave us behind again
i’m either romanticizing the past
or i’m busy worrying about the future
it’s no wonder
i don’t feel alive
i’m not living
in the only moment that’s real
- present
anxiety feels like i’m hanging
off the side of a building
and my hand is going to
slip any second
how can i be so
cruel to myself
when i’m doing the best i can
- be gentle
list of things to heal your mood:
1) cry it. walk it. write it. scream it. dance it
out of your body.
2) if after all that
you are still
spiraling out of control
ask yourself if sinking into the mud is worth it
3) the answer is no
4) the answer is breathe
5) sip tea and feel your nervous system settle
6) you are the hero of your life
7) this feeling doesn’t have power over you
8) the universe has prepared you to handle this
9) no matter how dark it gets
the light is always on its way
10) you are the light
11) walk yourself back to where the love lives
i am not broken
because of the depression
i am not a lesser version of myself
because of the anxiety
i am a whole
complete
and complicated person
- full
i am loving myself out of the dark
i’m breathing aren’t i
that’s gotta be a sign that
the universe is on my side
if i’ve made it this far
i can make it all the way
imagine what we could accomplish if
we didn’t have to spend our energy
protecting ourselves from
society’s rapist problem
most of my life has been spent
with the two of us touching
skin to skin
our nights together
and sometimes our days
you carried me when my limbs refused to
when i was so sick i could not move
not once did you tire of my weight
not once did you complain
you’ve witnessed all my dreams
my sex
my writing
my weeping
every vulnerable act of my life
has been with you
the two of us knee-deep in laughter
and when i’ve been a fool to trust a fool
made love on top of you
left for days only to
return empty-handed
you always took me back
when sleep abandoned me
we lay awake together
you are the embrace of my life
my confessional
my altar
i went from girl to woman on top of you
and in the end
it will be you—old friend
delivering me to death well rested
- there is no place more intimate than a bed
you didn’t lose it
happiness has always been here