why do i hurt the ones
who want to lift me up and
worship the ones who crush me
- what made me like this
i don’t know what to do with a man
who wants to hold on to me
for the rest of our lives
i’m afraid i won’t find the one who sees me
and rushes to breathe me in
i have a fear of seeming too desperate
i’m scared i will be cheated on
with a woman more brilliant
more striking
more of me in every way
terrified this will confirm what i know already
that i am not enough for someone to stay
where is the burning match that will set me on fire
what if i’ve already walked by the one
on a street corner
what if i’ve already been with them
and ruined it
who will love me enough to
spend their energy getting close
to someone so inconsistent
what if the one i want
is someone who touches me and leaves
and the one who doesn’t leave
is someone i can’t stand touching me
will it always be bad timing
will i ever be sure
will i settle
will i be on my own forever
your partner is supposed to
enrich your life
not drain it
staying when it hurts is not love
i’m too in love with my life
to be spilling all over the floor
for the next man
who gives me butterflies
when i could look in the mirror
and take my own breath away
the love of family
friends and community
is just as potent
as the love
of a romantic relationship
nothing can replace
how the women in my life
make me feel
it’s impossible
for one person to
fill you up
in all the ways
you need to be filled
your partner
can’t be your everything
i can live without romantic love
but i can’t survive without
the women i call friends
they know exactly what i need
before i even know i need it
the way we hold space
for each other is just different
a man can’t give me anything
i can’t give myself
- things i wish i could tell the younger me
masturbation
is meditation
in a world that doesn’t consider
my body to be mine
self-pleasure is an act
of self-preservation
when i’m feeling disconnected
i connect with my center
touch by touch
i drop back into myself
at the orgasm
i’m not going to pretend
to be less intelligent than i am
so a man can feel
more comfortable around me
the one i deserve
will see my greatness and
want to lift it higher
i want you to wipe away
everything you know about love
and start with one word
kindness
give it to them
let them give it to you
be two pillars
equal in your love
and you’ll carry empires on your backs
i wrap my holy legs
around his heavy head
and let his tongue swim
toward salvation
- baptize
i want someone who is
inspired by my brilliance
not threatened by it
look me in the eyes
when you’re down there
eating for your life
- i want you to see what you do to me
i’m careful about
who i spend my energy on
- i know my worth
my body is so hot from wanting you
i’m spilling by the time we take our clothes off
i want the kind of love that
transcends me
into another realm
i want you so deep
we enter the spirit world
go from being gentle to rough
i want eye contact
spread my legs to
opposite ends of the room
and look with your fingers
i want my soul to be touched
by the tip of yours
i want to come
out of this room
different people
- can you do that
there are years in me
that have not slept
i measure my self-worth
by how productive i’ve been
but no matter
how hard i work
i still feel inadequate
- productivity guilt
i fear that
my best years are behind me
and nothing beyond this point will add up