It hurt to hear, even though I understood he wasn’t really speaking from his heart.
At least I hoped he wasn’t…
I stood so that I could be at his level. This wasn’t how things were going to end. I refused to believe that. I didn’t even answer his question, and although it felt a little too late for me to say “yes,” I could at least reassure him that it wasn’t a “no.” It would never be a “no,” not for Benji.
“The only mistake is me not reaching out to you these last six years. That’s the shit I regret.” I reached for him again, wanting the comfort of having his hands in mind.
He put his hands in his pockets instead.
“Just give me some time,” I said, trying not to throw in the white flag. “I just need a little bit of time.”
“As if six years wasn’t ‘a little bit’?” Benji was angry. I saw it sparking in the whites of his eyes. He turned away from me, lifting his hand to wipe something from his cheek. He let out a defeated sigh and started to walk away, leaves crunching under his footsteps.
“Forget it, Rex. Forget it all.”
I considered following him, chasing him even. I wanted to run after him. I wanted to say “forget everything I just said, yes let's be boyfriends, let’s just fucking be boyfriends, please.” The pain of seeing him walk away, head dropped in hurt, made me feel like I was splitting apart, made worse knowing that I had caused it. This threw me right back to our flight landing in the Atlanta airport, when Benji had blown up on me after that damn fucking text.
Something else in my life that I need to figure out before I can move on.
Who sent that text? And why? It ruined something that could have been incredible, and I was still dealing with the fallout. Watching the fallout storm off, resentment and anger roiling in his wake.
My hands squeezed into fists. This was not how I pictured tonight going. Not that I had any solid vision for it, but I definitely didn’t think this would be how it ended. I thought we’d spend another night in the guesthouse, hopefully a night that Benji decided to spend in my arms. I pictured us rolling around in the sheets until the sun came up. I had gotten a small taste of Benji, and now I wanted it all.
Yet I couldn’t even say yes.
“Fuck.” I balled my hands into fists. Tammy stirred from her spot under the tree, lifting her head, those huge honey-brown eyes blinking in my direction. Like any other domesticated animal, she seemed to have a sense when her humans were upset. She got up and hopped over to my side, where she sat on her hind legs and bumped her head into my calf, just like the cats my mom used to have.
I crouched down, scratching her head and wondering if I had made a huge fucking mistake.
“Oh, Tammy, what am I going to do.”
She chirped her answer.
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
My heart felt heavy. I looked toward the house, wondering if there was a boombox I could borrow real quick. This was a “rock on your window and a boombox on my shoulder” kind of moment. I hoped I didn’t fuck shit up too bad, although that seemed to be my MO lately…
I started to pace around in a loose circle, looking down at the leaf-covered ground. There was so much to think about, I could hardly even focus on one problem. They all blurred together, my blood pressure shooting up and my lungs tightening.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I walked to the edge of the lake. The sky, dark now, made the water seem like a black curtain had been drawn across it. Beyond the lake, I could see the thin shadow of the tall barbed-wire fence Mia and Ashley had installed after the attack on Tammy. It was a shitty reminder that someone out there wanted to hurt the Gold family.
Meanwhile, I’m doing damage just by being here.
Maybe I should have left. Should have gone to Florida. Should have never lost myself in New York. I should, I should, I should…
This was getting to be too much. This night felt like it was quickly spiraling out of control. I pulled out my phone and did the only thing I could think of doing: I dialed my best friend.
It rang and it rang. Please, pick up, Mav. More ringing.
Right as I was saying “fuck it” and about to close the call, I heard Mav’s voice come on the line. “Rex! My dude, what’s up, man?”
“Things are fucked, Mav. That’s what’s up.” I leaned against a tree and rubbed a hand over my face. “Fucked.”
“Is everything okay there? There hasn’t been another attack, has there?”
“No, no, that’s all good. And Tammy’s doing great, too. Your moms upped the security, there’s two twenty-four-seven guards now, plus a new fence. I don’t think anyone’s sneaking in here again.”
“Okay, good.” I could hear music in the background. Another party. Mav worked hard, but he definitely enjoyed partying harder.
“You know what, I’ll just call tomorrow,” I said. I already felt like I'd burdened one Gold brother; I didn’t need to bother the other.
“It’s fine, I’m just over at Kiki’s for a pregame. What’s going on? You sound really beat up.”
“I’m just not doing too hot right now.”
“Rex, you’ve got this. You’re going to come out of all this bullshit that much stronger. I’ve already got that detective working on the case, and he sounds like he’s making some progress. He should have some news for us tomorrow.”
“Is this the detective you’ve been seeing?”
“What? No, absolutely not.” I could hear Mav’s cocky grin in his tone. “I can’t see him when he’s plowing me from the back.”
I huffed a nonsurprised laugh. “Well, don’t distract him too much. I need him working this case.”
“He’s going to find whoever has that tape, Rex, and he’s going to nuke it from whatever hard drive that fucker is storing it on.”
I let my head fall back on the tree, the hard bark scratching me. “I really fucking hope so. I can’t pick up my life and start things up again when I feel like it can all end from one stupid fucking video.”
“Don’t think like that. Even if the tape gets out, it won’t end anything. People might talk for a few days, but that’s it. And whatever happens with your dad’s Senate run happens. You shouldn’t obsess over shit you can’t control, Rex.”
“I know, I know.”
“How’s everything else? Has Benji been all right? He didn’t sound like himself the last few times I’ve called.”
Benji, oh Benji.
I wasn’t about to update Maverick on everything that had just gone down. It didn’t feel like the right time to say I was catching a major case of second-chance feelings for his little brother.
“He’s doing okay,” I said, looking toward the house. Benji’s room had the curtains drawn without any light coming through the window.
“Keep an eye on him. I think that once Dusty’s life started falling into place, Benji felt left behind. He’s been so down on himself. Mia and Ash are talking about having a family meeting if things don’t start getting better soon.”
This was making me feel a thousand times worse about how everything went down. Benji was clearly going through it, and I just made things worse by making him think I didn’t want him, when the truth was the complete opposite. “We’ve been getting close. I’ll have a heart-to-heart with him tomorrow. See if I can help somehow.”